Suddenly I See

"One last signature here and everything will be finalized," his lawyer pointed at the dotted line with his pen.

Sidney paused, holding his pen-clad hand over the line, wanting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. It wasn't until he felt his father's hand squeeze his shoulder that he realized time wasn't standing still like he wanted. His parents flew out earlier that day, per his request while he collected tangible and intangible things from the house. He looked at his dad, the man who provided him with a tough-love guidance his entire life, begging him for direction on this unfamiliar territory. He knew his father couldn't help him. His parents had been married for years, and while there were hiccups along the way, they always seemed to work them out. If only he and Sara could've been so lucky. He quickly signed the last signature space, pushing it away toward his lawyer. He surmised that if he didn't have to look at it, it didn't exist. Out of sight, out of mind.

"It'll be ok, son," he heard his father say, patting his back supportively.

"Will it?" He looked to his father for a second time, asking for some kind of answer to a question nobody knew the answer to, only to receive a sympathetic expression. Sidney took his whiskey and coke, drinking the entirety of the glass in two gulps before forcefully putting it back on the table, swirling the glass around the condensation-soaked tablecloth. He figured he would stop at a liquor store on the way home to buy more whiskey. His mind needed to be as numb as possible. He would self-medicate tonight.

Inside of using her father to drive him to his apartment, he decided to walk for the sake of being alone. He stared vacantly at the wreaths, Christmas lights, and cheerful holiday decorations as he walked by, devoid of the usual merriment it symbolized to him. It would be his first Christmas without Sara or her family. He forgot that he bought Phoebe a deluxe Barbie car for Christmas. What would he do with the gifts from his parents to her? Should he still send her parent’s gifts? If only there was a book on divorce etiquette, maybe he'd be better equipped to navigate himself through this.

Stepping into the liquor store, he walked briskly to the whiskey aisle, grabbing three bottles of his favorite brand, wondering how quickly he'd go through the bottles. He looked around, knowing he'd probably be recognized, and while he'd usually never present himself like this in public, conscious of how it could compromise his appearance, he decided he didn't care, not tonight, anyway. There was only one other couple in the store, holding hands, displaying more affection than Sidney ever felt was necessary. He bet they'd only been together for a short while, maybe three to five months. It was a game he and Sara played when they went out. They never knew the real amount of time, but it was fun to guess based off of physicality alone.

He walked to the counter, clinking the bottles as he set them down. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, never looking at the attendant.

"I'm a huge fan," the girl grinned as she ran his credit card, shooting him flirtatious looks. Sidney put on his interview smile as he thanked her.

"I hope you have a merry Christmas," she said as he walked toward the door. It would be an absolute shit Christmas, and while he knew his attitude was grim, he didn't want to be a Scrooge.

"You, too," he said as he exited the store.

If it wasn't for the fact that drinking in public was illegal, he would've opened a bottle and chugged. His apartment building was within sight, so he quickened his pace to seclude himself in the solitude of his apartment where he could cry, yell, punch the wall, or drink himself silly.

As he was approaching the complex, a car pulled up to the curve, hardly parked when a woman abruptly got out, walking quickly to the door. He watched, feeling nothing but empathy for the poor guy who's date was steadfast on getting away from him.

"Goodnight," the girl yelled without looking back at the driver, as she walked quickly to the door.

Just get to the elevator.

That was the only thought going through Parker’s head as she made a mad dash from the car toward the door of her apartment building. Her heart beat so loudly that she barely heard her colleague ask if they could have dinner again.She yelled goodbye without looking back, and welcomed the rush of warm arm coming from the lobby as the doorman opened the door as he did for her everyday.The lobby was her safe haven.

“Do you need any assistance, Ms. Fisher?”

“No thank you, Robert,” she shouted as she quickly passed him, waving her hand in his direction.

Keep walking. It’s a straight shot with no obstacles.You’ve done this with Jersey dozens of times, she tried to coach herself as she shuffled toward the elevators. She had to keep reminding herself that this small feat could be accomplished through sense memory and repetition.She began to calm down when she heard the dinging of the elevator get closer, but the noise coming out of the elevator made her stomach drop.Children, lots of them, running out of the elevator.Sneakers screeching on the tiled floor as a young boy shouted, “I’m gonna get you!” followed by an even younger girl screaming, shoes squeaking as she sprinted in an attempt to get away.

Goddammit, Parker thought as she slowed her quick pace in an attempt to avoid them, but not before she tripped over what she presumed to be one of the children’s legs. And then there was silence throughout the lobby.As she hit the floor, she hoped her hearing went out, silently praying that the entire lobby wasn’t staring with horrified looks plastered on their faces.Then she heard to whispers all in unison.

“Look look look!” “Oh my God.”“Is she ok?”“Where are the parents?”

This is so fucking embarrassing. She was just about to push herself up and run into the elevator when she heard a male voice offer a kind, “May I help you?” followed by a gentle grab of her hand and arm without an answer.

Sidney watched in shock horror as everyone gazed at the fallen woman, wondering why someone hadn’t offered to help her up, especially the parents of the children that tripped her.

He jogged over the woman to help her, something that he mother instilled in him at a young age. She was already on her knees by that time, trying to get her balance to stand fully erect.

“May I help you?” he asked, knowing that some people do not take kindly to charity. He gently took her forearm in his hand and noticed something immediately.It was a watch he’d seen before on a person that he wondered why they’d be wearing it given their particular situation.It was Parker, red in the face, obviously embarrassed.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she took his arm in her hand as he slowly hoisted her to standing. She was in the process of smoothing her dress when she tipped her clutch upside down, emptying the contents onto the lobby floor, producing a loud thud.

“Jesus Christ, this keeps getting better,” she muttered to herself sarcastically, bending over slowly to touch the ground before she tried to collect her phone, wallet, hand sanitizer, lip balm, and to Sidney’s surprise, a condom, which he picked up instantly, not wanting the kids or the elderly to see it.

“I’ve got it,” is all she heard as she was gently ushered to standing again and waited for her clutch to be returned. Parker felt her face heat with mortification, not only because of the tripping and falling, but also because she usually kept a condom in there and hoped that it wasn’t exposed on the floor for the entire lobby to see, including the kind man that was helping her.

“Do you need help getting on the elevator?” the man asked as he handed Parker the clutch into her extended hand. Usually she would decline because she could do it herself, but after her miserable ride home, the unwanted touching in the car, and debacle in the lobby, she took the man on his offer.

“Please,” she smiled defeated, hoping that the night would be over soon. He gently put his hand on the middle of her back and guided her toward the opened elevator.It was only after the doors closed and she was out of the lobby that she finally exhaled.

Parker cleared her throat. “Thank you for helping,” she paused, looking toward him, wanting the name of the nice man that helped her.

“Sidney,” he told her. He smiled for the first time that day as her face lit up brightly with recognition.

“Sidney? Like, Sidney from the park, Sidney?” she asked with her head cocked to the side.

“You guessed it,” he said as he pushed his floor button.

“Would you mind pressing twenty-three?” she asked as she felt for the back wall of the elevator, leaning on it.

“So, Sidney from the park. What brings you to this apartment building?” she broke the silence.Her extension of his name made him chuckle under his breath.

“I live here. I just moved in about two months ago,” he explained as he followed her motions, leaning back on the wall.

“I guess that would explain why we frequent the same park,” she nodded, pushing hair behind her ear when it fell into her face.

“Except, I haven’t seen you recently. I figured you didn’t want to bring Jersey back.”

The elevator came to a sudden stop, beeping repetitively for ten seconds before it ceased. Parker could hear Sidney pressing the buttons frantically trying to get the elevator moving again. After a short conversation with someone named Holly, probably the new girl at the front desk of the apartment lobby, he hung up.

“I think we’re going to be stuck here for a bit,” he sighed before continuing. “Something about an electrical shortage…”All he wanted to do was get back to his apartment and drink himself into an oblivion.

“Well in that case, I’m making myself more comfortable,” she said as she removed her coat, laying it on the floor before sitting on it, kicking off her shoes.

“I really hope you’re not offended by this, but I’ve been standing in these heels for almost five hours,” she rubbed her feet, working out the redness and knots. Sidney followed suit, sitting down, making himself comfortable for the duration of the elevator problem.

“Those shoes look incredibly painful.” Sidney never understood why women wore heels.They looked nice, yes, but they had to be uncomfortable.His dress shoes were uncomfortable and they were flat.

“They’re not as bad as some of the others I have. They’re my favorite pair, so I tolerate them,” Parker explained, pulling hand sanitizer out of her clutch to clean her hands.

“Jersey and I go to the park every afternoon for a run,” she told him, changing the subject back to what it was before the elevator shut down.

“I like to go there and think,” Sidney admitted, wanting to add to the conversation. He didn’t know much information he would divulge, but Parker seemed like a nice person without ulterior motives to talk to him.Given that she was blind, he found it very admirable that she always seemed so chipper, even in the face of hardship.Being blind meant he would’ve never played hockey professionally.

“Maybe that’s why you don’t see us,” she said, interrupting his thoughts. He looked at her, surprised that she was looking at him.She wasn’t making eye contact, per say, but if she moved her eyes upward slightly, she’d be looking at him.

“You’re blinded by your thoughts,” she said earnestly, before realizing her choice of words.

“No pun intended,” she chuckled, making him laugh a little. Sidney liked that Parker was so light hearted about her problem.She didn’t take herself too seriously.He could take a page from her book.

“So have you been blind your whole life?” Sidney asked, hoping the question wasn’t too forward.

“I’ve actually only been blind for about five years. I had an aggressive bacteria settle on the optic nerves in both eyes,” she told him without hesitation, not bothered by his probing into her life.He wondered how she could be so positive about losing her sight, the strongest sense of any sighted person.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you for the sympathy, but you don’t need to be sorry. It’s really not all that bad.I live in a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing job that I love, the best friends in the world that would jump at the chance to help, the greatest and most supportive parents, and wonderful people like you who aren’t afraid of me for being different,” she smiled genuinely at him, wanting him to know she appreciated his kindness and generosity.

“There is an upside to everything. We just need to remember it.”

Sidney nodded his head. Parker seemed to have the most profound insights, like she knew him and spoke specifically about his situation. Was it just a coincidence, or did she actually sense his depression?

"That remains to be seen," he sighed out loud, but more to himself. Parker could hear the change of tone and mood in his voice. He sounded melancholy, all if a sudden, helpless, even. She must've struck a nerve, but she couldn't be sure.She opened her mouth several times to talk, not sure what to say, before she shut her eyes and went for it.

"I know I may be overstepping my bounds, so forgive me, but, if something going on in your life, it will get better. Some times the upside doesn't present itself immediately, but it's there. I'm speaking from experience..."

When she first lost her sight, she went through an awful depression. She felt handicapped, unable to function. She had completely lost her independence. She didn’t think she’d be able to complete her Master’s Degree.She couldn’t read braille.She’d have to learn a completely new alphabet, one based on feeling.How would she complete her Master’s Thesis without being able to read or do proper research?She considered quitting, but her advisor helped her through the major life change.If Parker could provide that kind of insight for Sidney, she’d give it to him with the intention of helping.He could see it faintly in her eyes as she looked down at her hands, the darkness that she kept compartmentalized somewhere in her psyche, but not forgotten.She has experienced some sort of depression as well.He wanted to know what it was, but for now, he wanted to talk to the cheerful woman he met in the park.

“What was the upside of running away from your date earlier?” Sidney smiled as he asked, lightening the solemn mood they’d created. He wanted to take his question back when he noticed how flushed she become.She blushed so hard it ran down her neck and chest.

“Paul is one of my co-workers. We both teach Language Arts at a local high school.At the benefit tonight, he laid it on pretty hard, which I’m used to from him, but when he tried to kiss me, and started making out with my chin, I had to get away from him.”She grimaced, rubbing her chin as she told the story.It was one thing for him to miss and kiss her chin by accident.In her experience, she’d leaned in and kissed chins or noses by mistake.Paul wasn’t blind, so the fact that he was full on making out with her chin meant she had to get into the apartment complex as fast as possible so Paul didn’t follow her.It was a horrible kiss.

When she heard Sidney laugh, her breath hitched. She’d never heard a real laugh like that.It was high-pitched, feminine, and she couldn’t help but laugh as well, not at him, but with him.It was contagious.It was a genuine laugh.

“Did you do anything fun this evening?” Parker asked, catching her breath from laughing excessively. She enjoyed talking to Sidney from the park.She secretly wished the elevator wouldn’t start up anytime soon.When he let out a downhearted sigh, however, She noticed the mood shifting again to one that was dejected.

“I finalized my divorce,” he said softly, but it resonated throughout the elevator, like he was saying it onto a microphone at Consol Energy Center. He didn’t expect himself to admit it so easily, but their was something about Parker and the anonymity he had with her that made it flow out of him like water.He knew somewhere in his soul that she wouldn’t judge him like the rest of the public would.How could she?She didn’t know who he was.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry,” she expressed, covering her mouth out of surprise.She would never have asked had she known, and felt terrible for asking without knowing him better.She was having so much fun with him that she forgot she didn’t have any real idea who he was, other than the fact that his name was Sidney, he loved hockey, and he was very recently divorced.She wanted to reach out and touch him, showing some sort of comfort, but decided against it.

“I’m just waiting for this upside that I’ve heard so much about.” It may have been a long shot, but Sidney wondered if Parker was the upside to his divorce.She’d shown up the day after the divorce was discussed, and managed to make another appearance in his life the day his divorce was finalized.On both occurrences, she’d managed to distract him from his miserable life, if only for a moment, and he appreciated it, wanted it, even.Maybe she was the guidance he was looking for from his father.Maybe her light would guide him through the dark time in his life.While he’d aided her twice, maybe fate brought them together to guide him.

“You’ll find it,” she assured him.

“I think I may already have,” he spurted without a filter, referring to Parker.

The elevator sprang to life, continuing up to the higher floors as if nothing had every happened, causing Parker to jump slightly at the sudden movement. They both stood, collecting their items, Parker putting on her shoes and coat while Sidney picked up his bag of whiskey.When the door opened on the Twenty-third floor, they both walked out together.Sidney could walk to the next floor by taking the stairs.He wanted to make sure Parker made it into her apartment without a problem.

“Do you live on this floor?” Parker asked, putting her key into the door.

“I’m the next floor up. I wanted to make sure you got in ok,” he admitted, watching as she smiled, blushing a little.She opened the door letting Jersey out.The dog ran to Sidney, whining and yelping excitedly.

“Jersey, harness,” Parker commanded, and without a second thought from the dog, she sat in front of Parker, putting her right paw up to slide into the harness followed by the left. Sidney watched in amazement as Parker and Jersey worked as a team.

“Well, I’m going to head upstairs. Have a good evening,” he said, walking backward, waiting for a response from Parker.

“Sidney?” she said suddenly, making him walk back toward her door. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, but felt like it was the right thing to do, like she’d miss out on an opportunity if she didn’t put herself out on a limb.

“Would you like to go walking with us?” she asked, looking down as Jersey, hoping not to get rejected.

“I’d like that,” he responded without a moment’s hesitation, surprising himself at how fast he responded and how much it felt right.

“I just need to go upstairs and change. How about we meet in the lobby in five minutes?” he offered, untying his tie as he walked backwards toward the stairwell, waiting for her response.He didn’t understand why, but her coy smile made him feel needed, something that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Ok,” she nodded, waving as she shut the door and changed into a pair of jeans and sweatshirt, throwing on a pair of toms as she reopened the door to walk Jersey outside.

Sidney was in the process of leaving, pulling his door open as he heard his phone ring. He would’ve ignored it, but it was Sara’s ringtone.His heart was in his throat.Why was she calling him?By the time he got to his phone, she’d left him a text message that read, “I need you.Call me.”He didn’t want to make Parker wait in the lobby, but the glimmering hope that Sara wanted him back made him sit on the couch, reading the message over and over before his pressed redial, crossing his fingers that everything would change.

Notes