Suddenly I See

"Are you always quiet?" Parker inquired as she, Jersey, and Sidney stopped on a grassy knoll for Jersey to do her business. During their thirty-minute loop around the park, Sidney hadn't said much of anything except the occasional yes, no, chuckle, or question. She thought for sure she must've been boring him, but every time one topic came to a conclusion, he asked another question to spark another discussion with Parker as the speaker. She usually didn't mind being the sole speaker; she taught high school English for a living.Parker wanted him to talk.She wanted to get to know him.

Sidney hadn't realized he wasn't contributing to the conversation. He was listening to her explain the hardships of trying to find a Shakespeare anthology in Braille, wondering how expensive it would be to have any type of historical literature converted.He found it rather enjoyable to hear Parker's stories about her students and teaching. He found it very commendable that she persevered through her illness and continued to do what she loved regardless of her limitations. He found her positive energy contagious, something he was striped of over the past couple of months. And truth be told, he found their conversations to be relaxing, something he didn’t need to overthink or rehearse in his head.

"I actually talk a lot. I, umm... I answer questions on a daily basis, so simply listening to someone other than myself is a nice change of pace," he explained, trying not to give too much of himself away. With Parker, he wasn't a superstar hockey player. He was just an average guy, a concept that he never experienced growing up. He appreciated the normalcy that came with Parker's friendship. It was a clean slate from a world who knew everything about him, and he was sure his recent failure in the marital bed would eventually become public knowledge like everything else.

"Answer questions like getting interviewed?" Parker asked, instantly initiating the reversal in the conversation dynamic, trying to get to know her new friend better.

"Uh. More like answering questions about sales, budgeting, and design options for my product," he answered vaguely, hoping Parker wouldn't ask more questions.

"What do you make?" She asked eagerly.

"Ice skates," he blurted out in a moment of panic, saying the first thing that came to mind. He was in the process of trying a new blade rotation during his games.He'd tried a couple dozen types in his childhood and career, and knew more about skates than he should have. Plus, it wasn't exactly a lie. His line with Reebok made ice skates, and he had some persuasion in creation and marketing, even if it was just the occasional Sport Chek ad or commercial.

"That's fun! I ice skated a lot when I was a little girl," she said nostalgically, remembering her Christmas Eve skating ritual with her extended family.

"Can't do it anymore, unless, of course, your brand makes ice skates for dogs," she commented sarcastically.

"I'll look into it," he smiled, thinking about how entertaining and strange ice skating would be for a dog.Occasionally, when Sam was in Pittsburgh, she would find her way onto a patch of ice, and Sidney would always have to rescue her.

"Actually, we could always strap you to a mini Zamboni and dress it like a guide dog," he quipped.

"I like where your head is on this. You could create and market robotic ice skating guide dogs," Parker laughed through her suggestion, finding their topic of discussion very comical.

"I get half of the profit," she quickly added, turning to him.

"I'm sure we could negotiate that in somewhere."

"God, I miss ice skating now that you mention it.I'm bet you probably make a killing during hockey season. Do you sell to any professionals?"

"Demographically, I think my brand appeals more to kids and adolescents. Professionals usually find a favorite brand early on and stick to it. They're pretty superstitious and stick to what they know," he said, speaking mostly about himself.

"You seem pretty knowledgeable.Did you play?"

"I did when I was younger. I sustained a knee injury in juniors that was pretty devastating," he fabricated, trying to direct the conversation in a different direction.

"That’s too bad.Still, you made a career out of a big part of your childhood, and you bring that fun and enjoyment to others. That's great," she smiled, making Sidney smile in return.

"And yes, I could see how answering those types of questions could be mind numbing," she nodded, silently commanding Jersey to stop so she could get a rock out of her shoe. It that very moment, Sidney saw a group of children biking toward them, racing as they looked at each other and not toward the path. Sidney quickly picked Parker up from her squatted position and moved her out of the way, surprising her in the process. While it wasn't his intention, he realized he was basically hugging her, her body flush against his. Both of his arms were wrapped around her midsection, hands snug against her back while her hands were gripping his upper arms for support, the two of them pressed against one another.

"I, uh, there were kids coming," he stuttered as he pulled away, unable to look away from her flushed face. He watched as she smoothed her hair, wondering if she let people touch her often, or if someone needed permission prior to touching her.

"Thank you for preventing another apartment lobby fiasco," she smiled at him earnestly, taking hold of Jersey before starting to walk again.

"So what about this coffee date I heard about earlier?" Parker smirked.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be up for it," he said honestly, thinking she'd be thoroughly disappointed with him.He was astonished she invited him on the second walk considering he held her up on the first.

"You must not know me well because I never turn down coffee," she said enthusiastically.

Sidney thought that Parker was the kind of person who could make anyone feel comfortable within moments of speaking to them, like she had been friends with them for years. She was incredibly easy to get along with, very amiable. Everything seemed to be positive and lighthearted and lighthearted with her. She was right that he didn't know her well, but the more time he spent with her, the more he wanted to.

"Well then let's go."

"I'll lead. I hope you don’t mind an adventure," she walked in front of him, gesturing for him to follow her.

Within a short walking distance, they arrived at a little coffee shop. Parker had been going to that coffee shop for years, even before she went blind. She loved the place because it was cozy with real worn leather chairs and couches, or it did along time ago. It also didn't have an overwhelming bitter coffee aroma like some of the bigger named shops. Jersey lead Parker to the counter, and Sidney watched as Parker subtly and gracefully felt her way around, lightly dragging her fingers over surfaces like they were whiskers on a cat's face.

"What would you like?” He asked as he looked at the menu.

"Coffee," Parker said as she took out her wallet.

"I’m buying. Do you want cream or sugar?" He asked as he gently pushed her hand and money back in her direction, trying not to startle her.

"Why thank you. I'll just take it black."

"Like you like your men, right?" He joked, instantly realizing that was a joke he shared with Sara. Every morning, she ask him to bring her a "strong, black man," referring to her coffee before heading to the deck to drink their coffee together while discussing their day ahead. It was one of their idioms that he could ask in his sleep based on the daily repetition. He scratched his head, trying to figure out a way to take the comment back, hoping Parker wouldn't take it offensively. It wasn't until he looked at her that he saw amusement dance across her face.

"Actually, it's how I like my women," Parker tried to deadpan, biting back a smile that couldn't be tamed.

She was so good-humored that Sidney couldn't tell if she was being serious or not without asking outright.

"I'm joking," she laughed.

Sidney chuckled under his breath, shaking his head as he walked toward the register to place the orders. As he waited at the bar, he watched Parker and Jersey interact with one another. Jersey pulled Parker toward a table, helped her sit, and waited patiently for a command to please while Parker rested her chin on her hand, petting Jersey's head absentmindedly. For someone who didn't know her, it would look like she was daydreaming, staring longingly out into the distance. When she smiled subtly, he wondered what she was thinking about, and if she thought and dreamt with vision. He caught himself imagining how Parker "saw" him from their brief but friendly encounters and if in the present, she was thinking about him.

As the barista placed the two twenty ounce cups on the bar, Sidney noticed her nametag read, "Sara." He walked the short distance to the table, wondering how it was that he constantly thought about Sara and her well being except when Parker was around. As he pulled a chair out across from her, handing her a cup, he pulled out his wallet to stow away his change, seeing a yellow piece of paper that he didn’t recognize.He pulled it out, unfolded it to read his own handwriting.It was his note to Parker.“I’m sorry I fucked up. You’re so nice and I’m a fucking asshole. When I said I found my upside, I meant it was you.”It reminded him why he was evening having coffee with her.

“Parker, I wanted to apologize for my absence last night.I had a lot on my mind,” he started with a sigh, not wanted to divulge too much, but enough to explain himself to her.

“I know, and it’s fine,” Parker interjected softly.“Please, don’t apologize,” she shook her head, smiling sympathetically.“Its actually why I invited you on our walk,” she explained.

“Was it that obvious?”He couldn’t remember much of the previous night, and it was probably because he chose to block the entire day.He wanted to forget the incredible sex with Sara, waking up alone with nothing but a note, the dinner with his lawyer, the walk home, the missed call from Sara, the unanswered calls to Sara, the excessive amounts of whiskey.The only thing he didn’t want to compartmentalize was Phoebe or the elevator ride.

“Well… I figured that with your admission about your very recent divorce and the clinking of the bottles, you needed some time alone, which is completely understandable,” she guessed aloud, having been in similar situations in the past.

“I’m sure you have plenty of people in your life that have said this, but if you ever need a third party to talk to, I’m a really good listener,” Parker offered herself to him, fully prepared that he wouldn’t ever seek her advice after their coffee date was over.She told herself that he was just a nice guy that she ran into a couple of times, and that their friendship, like most acquaintanceships, would probably expire, although she hoped it wouldn’t.

“I was actually changing out of my suit to meet you in the lobby,” he started, unable to stop the flow of words from falling out of his mouth, “but she called,” he exhaled, feeling relieved, like he dismantled a bomb that was seconds away from exploding.

“She, as in your ex-wife?” Parker asked hesitantly as she took a sip of coffee, happy that he was opening up, but worried that if she pushed too hard, he’d shut down again.

“Sara.Her name is Sara.She called as I was changing, and when I went to call her back, she ignored every single call,” he remembered, rubbing his face as all of the feelings resurfaces.At the same time, however, Sidney had a glimmer of hope that Parker would pull out some sort of perspective that he hadn’t considered like she did in the elevator.

“Part of me was hoping that she was calling to tell me she made a mistake, that she was having the divorce papers destroyed, that we could try again.”He took a large gulp of coffee, feeling it sear down his throat, but he was so emotionally numb that it didn’t hurt.

“Perhaps the two of you are just on a hiatus,” Parker offered.It was obvious by the tone of his voice that Sidney was very much still in love with Sara, and for his sake, she hoped Sidney and Sara could work out their problems, whatever they may be.

“No.Its over,” he rested his chin in his palm, staring at the different grains in the wood table.“Its hard to admit it, but its over,” he said in almost a whisper, not wanting the passerby’s that recognized him to hear the topic of their conversation.

“Well then it wasn’t meant to be,” Parker said matter-of-factly, taking Sidney by surprise.He wasn’t expecting her to say something so blunt and straightforward.He could see the wheels spinning in her eyes, that she was going to say something, but wasn’t sure how to say it.

“I’m sorry.That was rude of me.Let me explain,” Parker prepared as she put her disposable coffee cup on the table.

“I met Kevin in high school.He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything.We went to college together, started grad school together, rented a place together, and started to talk about planning our future family.When I got sick, the doctors didn’t think I was going to survive because the bacteria that ate my optic nerves were originally colonizing on my brain.When I pulled through without my sight, everything was ok.But the longer he had to take care of me, helping me patch up knees and elbows when I fell, guiding me through the house, streets, stores, the more he realized that he didn’t want to care for a disabled girlfriend any longer, despite our seven years together,” she told him.

“I was devastated.Heart broken, even, but when I let the feelings subside, I realized it was a blessing in disguise.I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me if they weren’t happy.And I understand the feeling of rejection, but imagine if your peculiar situation with Sara was reversed.Whatever she felt went wrong in your relationship, imagine if it was you that felt that way.Honestly, would you proceed?” Parker asked sincerely.

“Adoption or surrogacy,” Sidney responded quickly, having offered those solutions to Sara on many occasions, but she wouldn’t budge.

Parker paused, digesting exactly what he’d just told her without telling her.If he was offering adoption or surrogacy if their problem was reversed, then he must’ve been the one with the fertility issues.

“She didn’t want to adopt or use a surrogate?” Parker asked supportively.

“Fertility issues run in her family so it was a big deal for her.She had a cousin who was adopted and the kid was screwed up.The surrogacy wasn’t appealing to her because she wanted to experience the pregnancy herself.She read horror stories about surrogate babies never connecting to the parents.I don’t know,” he huffed, feeling like he was discussing his shortcoming with Sara all over again.

“Its not got everyone, I guess,” Parker thought without judgment.

“You’re right,” Sidney blurted after a few moments of silence.“I wouldn’t want her begrudgingly stay with me if I couldn’t give her what she wanted, if I couldn’t make her happy.”

“Who knows?Maybe in time she’ll see the error of her way with or without a baby,” she offered with a hopeful smile.He appreciated her optimism in regard to his failed relationship.Most girls would’ve tried to swoop in where Sara left off, but Parker seemed to want to help to help him, never once giving him the impression that she had any ulterior motives.

“I’m a firm believer in love.I know this sounds terribly cliché, but sometimes distance does the heart a world of good.Maybe a couple of months from now, she’d realize she threw away something amazing,” Parker mused.“Either way, in time, you’ll both find what you’re looking for, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find something even better, something unexpected, something wonderful.”

“You’re a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?” Sidney asked as he finished his coffee.

“Guilty as charged,” Parker laughed, holding her hands up.

“Are we ready to go home, Jersey?” Parker said, commanding Jersey as she stood and pushed her chair in.

“Thanks for bringing me here.The coffee was great,” Sidney followed suit, opening the door for Parker and Jersey as they started their walk home.

“Its not bad.I make better coffee,” she pulled her scarf tighter around her neck as a gush of wind blew by.

“You should come by and try it one morning,” she turned to him, expecting some sort of response.

“I’m going to hold you to it,” he told her.“Maybe we can discuss your mini Zamboni guide dog idea some more,” he chuckled, wanting to bring the jovial air back to their conversation.

“Oh, absolutely,” she beamed with excitement.

Sidney walked Parker and Jersey back to her apartment, standing in the doorway as she disrobed and helped Jersey out of her harness.

“Thank you for the coffee.It was a pleasant surprise,” she smiled, holding the door as she started her goodbye.

“You’re very welcome,” Sidney said as he petted Jersey was collapsed on her back, exposing her belly for a rub.

“Thank you for listening,” he said softly, standing face to face with Parker.“I didn’t expect some of the things you said..”

“Of God, I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean them to come off..” Parker slapped her forehead, worried that she made a mistake.

“No.I’m glad you said what you did.Don’t apologize.Just like I wont apologize when I say this.”

With every second of pause that followed his words, Parker got nauseously nervous, not knowing what to expect.

“Blind or not, you can see things better than most people I know, and Kevin was an absolute fucking moron for letting you go.”

Parker couldn’t hear anything because her blood was rushing quickly through her veins, heading for her face.She vaguely heard him say goodbye and shuffle down the carpeted hallway.She couldn’t stop the stupid smile from forming on her face as she slowly shut her front door.

Notes