Suddenly I See

It was almost two in the morning. The rain was pouring buckets onto her car and her windshield wipers were hardly keeping up.The rain was so deafening that she could hardly heard the music on the radio.She wasn’t listening anyway.All she wanted to do was get to her sister’s house in one piece, both physically and mentally.Letting out a long sigh of relief, she crept into the driveway, thankful to see the front door open.It was all too much, the infertility, failed marriage, seeing his face all over Pittsburgh.She willed herself not to cry, placing her head against the cold window as she closed her eyes.She wouldn’t let herself cry because she was the one who ended it, and she knew deep down that her reasoning was awfully selfish.She quickly batted a rouge tear that streamed down her cheek, berating her body for betraying her.

“Stop crying,” she demanded to herself in her visor mirror.

Out of her peripheral vision, she saw her sister stand on the other side of the storm door, holding her hands up in question. She put on her rain hat and exited the car, carrying her weekend bag as she ran toward the door, straight inside the house as Maggie held the door open.The sisters didn’t exchange words as Maggie peeled Sara’s coat off, hanging it up on the coat stand before moving into the living room.

“You didn’t need to get the tequila out,” Sara snorted as she stretched her sore neck and back from the seven hour road trip. As she moved to sit on the couch, she saw Phoebe sleeping peacefully in the loveseat adjacent to the couch.

“I told her you were coming. She thought she could stay up until you arrived.”Maggie poured them both a shot, handing one to Sara before she slammed hers back.

“What can we say? She loves her aunty Sara,” Sara said before taking her shot, carefully setting the glass on the coffee table.

“Actually, she was more excited to see Sid. She didn’t believe me when I told her he wasn’t coming,” Maggie told Sara honestly, pouring them both another shot, knowing the sting of the truth would need soothing.

Sara took her shot without hesitation, hoping it would help somehow shrink the tennis ball of a lump in her throat. How would she explain to Phoebe that uncle Sidney wasn’t going to be around anymore?She wouldn’t possibly understand what had happened.

“You know, he calls to talk to her almost everyday,” Maggie motioned toward Phoebe who was unconsciously rubbing her eyes.

“Please stop talking about him!” Sara snapped, looking to Phoebe to make sure she didn’t wake her. She wanted sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, but instead she walked into Maggie, the logical, rational, tough-love sister who was giving her none of it.She knew deep down that she made a mistake, not giving Sidney a chance and shooting down every alternative he’d suggested.She didn’t need to hear it from her sister.

“He’s why you’re here, isn’t he?” Maggie questioned curtly, lifting her body up to sit cross-legged, facing Sara.

“I need someone to talk to, and I thought you’d be a little more inviting than this,” Sara started. “I don’t know what to do.I don’t know what I’m doing.I come home everyday to an empty house, and I feel like he’s still there, moments away from turning the corner with my morning cup of coffee or blueberry muffins that he’s worked so hard to perfect.His closet still smells like him, and I find myself sitting in it from time to time, just breathing in the remnants of him.”She dropped her head in her hands.“I go to work and see students wearing his number, his face on magazine covers, his face on billboards, and worst of all, I find myself driving past Consol regularly just to feel closer to him.”She leaned back onto the couch, letting her head fall back onto the cushion.

“Sister to sister, right here, right now, I want to know something. What’s the real reason you divorced him.It can’t just be about infertility, because any girl who talks about their ex like that wouldn’t leave him because of infertility.”

The question caught Sara off guard. She shifted uncomfortably in her spot, trying to get out of the inquisitive gaze of her sister.

“Were you screwing someone else?”

“Maggie, seriously? Why would I cheat on him?He’s perfect in every other way,” Sara told her as if it was obvious.Sara knew that any girl with knowledge of Sidney Crosby wanted him, and she was lucky to have taken up a large residency in his heart and life, until now, and the thought made her sick.Was he moving on already?Was he sleeping around like a heartbroken teenager?

“If that’s really the case, then why didn’t you adopt or use a surrogate? It’s not like money is an issue.”

“Because I didn’t want that!” Sara agitatedly raised her voice again, trying to drill into Maggie’s mind that it wasn’t an option for her. “Our family doesn’t have the best odds in the fertility field, and knowing that its not me with the problem made it seem like Sidney and I weren’t right for each other,” Sara tried to explain, knowing it probably sounded like ludicrous.“Maybe I married the wrong person.Maybe the right guy is right around the corner, the guy who can give me a family,” she said softly, more so to convince herself than Maggie.Maybe she had the right guy all along.Maybe she made a major error in judgment.

“That’s the thing, Sar. Sidney could’ve given you a family.”

“Where Sinny?”

The small groggy voice startled both of them, looking over to find Phoebe searching around the room, eager to find Sid. Maggie looked to Sara expectantly, visually telling her to explain to Phoebe why Sidney wasn’t there with her.When Sara couldn’t immediately find words, Maggie spoke up in her place.

“Honey, I told you uncle Sid couldn’t make it this time,” Maggie reminded Phoebe, brushing her hair against her head as Phoebe leaned into her mom, clearly upset as her chin quivered. It made Sara feel even worse.

“What did he tell us?” Maggie pulled Phoebe onto the couch, sitting in her lap as she kissed her cheek. “He told us he’d see us when we visit aunty Sara in a couple of weeks, remember?”

Sara looked on, eyes wide and desperate, begging for an explanation. She knew Maggie, Ryan, and Phoebe were going to visit, but she had no idea Sidney would make it into the equation.Would he be coming to their house to see them?She had too many questions and knew Maggie wouldn’t give her the answers.

“Lets put you to bed. You can sleep with your new stuffed penguin that he sent you.”Maggie collected Phoebe into her arms and walked her down the hall toward her room.Sara followed, leaning against the doorframe as Maggie sat on her bed with the new toy penguin tucked in next to Phoebe as they read a bedtime story.

Sara pushed herself off the doorframe, walking slowly back into the living room. She took another shot, telling herself that a good buzz may slow her mind down enough to sleep.She questioned every decision she’d made that past year, wondering how things became so warped in her own mind.Of course Maggie was right; Sidney could’ve given her a large family that he’d be ecstatic to be a part of, but the children couldn’t be theirs by blood, and that seemed foreign to her.How could she let her idea of a perfect family cloud her judgment?She swallowed hard, knowing that it wasn’t exactly the idea that clouded her thoughts, but something else, and she would never mention it to anyone, ever.

Sidney pushed his pasta around, not having an appetite to eat it after the team’s seventh consecutive loss. He vaguely listened to Marc and Vero talk about their problems with potty training Estelle.At least they had a toddler to potty train.He had a ten percent chance of ever impregnating a woman, a statistic that his urologist told him months ago, the statistic that ruined everything.

He looked around the restaurant, dodging the eyes of flirtatious girls who he knew wanted nothing more than sex with him. Before Sara, he spent every sexual encounter with a nagging voice telling him to pull out even though he was wearing a condom.He didn’t want to have children until he found the right girl.He rolled his eyes at the thought.

“What ever happened with Parker?” Marc asked almost incoherently with a mouth full of food.

“I took her out for coffee,” he shrugged nonchalantly, taking a sip of his strong drink.

“And?” Vero pushed for Sidney to continue, smiling eagerly in anticipation. Sidney rolled his eyes at her enthusiasm for him to get back out there.She was like the big cheerleader sister he never had.

“And nothing,” Sidney finished as he took a bite of pasta. He didn’t forget her morning coffee invitation, but every time he walked to her door, he stopped himself for reasons he didn’t know or understand at that point.It almost felt taboo to see her because he wanted to patch things up with Sara, but at the same time, he couldn’t ignore the pilot light of interest he had for Parker. The last time he saw her, he told her that he ex boyfriend was a chum for leaving her, because if Parker was his, which he insinuated, he’d never call it off over something as small and insignificant as sight.She was like a ray of sunshine that always seemed to break through the black cloud that took up residence over his head.He felt numb, but she always gave him some sort of vibrancy without effort.

“She invited me to her place for coffee, but I can’t bring myself to go.” He pushed his food away, placing his chin on his intertwined hands.

“Why not? Let me guess.She’s not pretty enough for you?” Vero took a sip of her martini, raising an eyebrow at him.

“That’s not the case at all.” He rubbed his face before admitting the truth.“I’m still hung up on Sara.I’d be doing Parker a disservice by getting involved with her.I’d probably hurt her somehow,” he sighed, acknowledging that he still wasn’t forthcoming with any real information about himself other than his divorce and fertility issues.

“Sid, you’re a good guy and I doubt you’d hurt anyone intentionally. Just take it slow, get to know her, and work up to a goodnight kiss if you fancy her,” Vero reasoned.

“Would you have to ask permission first? It would probably scare her,” Marc said unexpectedly, meeting eyes with Sid who was giving him a stupid look.

“Ask permission for what?” Vero looked between the two of them, confused and feeling left out. “Am I missing something?”

“Parker’s blind,” Marc told Vero, who looked at Sidney with a gaze of maternal disappointment.

“So that’s why you wont date her.” She shook her head.

“I never said that.” Sid threw his hands up defensively. “Her blindness doesn’t bother me.I’ve just never really considered it as an option” he said truthfully.

“Then what was the look for?”

“Because she wouldn’t see it coming and those lips would probably smother her,” Marc joked, earning an eye roll from Sidney.

“You guys are hopeless.” Vero put down her drink, demanding attention in the process.“She doesn’t have to see it coming, so to speak, but she can feel it coming.Intimacy has a lot of physical, sensual cues, not just visual.He just needs to set the mood.I’m sure she’ll know it’s coming if he sets it up properly.”

“Thank you for the sexual education, Mrs. Fleury,” Marc joked, shielding himself from her playful slap on the arm.

“I’m sure I won’t be kissing anyone anytime soon.” Sidney sat back against the booth, uncomfortably scratching his face at the topic of conversation.He never thought about physically kissing Parker.She was just a friend.All he knew and understood is that he liked the way he felt when he spent time with her.

“Nobody said you had to make out with her or anyone right away. Just, don’t cut yourself off.You deserve to be happy.Have another coffee with her,” Vero said with a sympathetic smile.

He sat in the parking lot for what seemed like hours, thinking about what Vero said. It wasn’t something that would happen right away, but dating in the hopes of finding happiness wouldn’t hurt anything.He was nauseated by the thought, but he knew Sara was probably already well on her way to finding someone new, someone better, someone with an adequate sperm count.He had to move on eventually, but he knew his self-wallowing attitude and uncared for appearance wasn’t very becoming on him. He fished his phone out of his coat pocket to call the one person he knew could brighten his spirits.As he scrolled through the P’s, he realized he never saved her number when he found Jersey in the park.He scanned through his recent calls, even though the first call was a little over two months before, and to his disappointment, he couldn’t remember which number belonged to her.He put the key into the ignition and headed for the apartment, deciding he’d visit her at her place.

“Fuck,” Parker hissed as she grabbed her foot, slowly lowering herself to the floor. The shard of glass was stuck in the ball of her foot, and judging from the amount of blood she felt on her fingers as she examined it, she wasn’t sure if she would need stitches or not.She was used to bumping into everything.Her knees, shins, and toes had been bruised or broken at least once from running into things, but the puncture was her worst fear, and not knowing where all the glass shattered was even more frightening.She was crawling to the bathroom to get to her first aid kit when she heard a knock at the door followed by Jersey running past her.

“Coming,” she shouted as she pulled herself up with the help of the wall, gimping toward the door as she walked with all the weight on her heel. She could hear Jersey whimpering and scratching at the door, notifying Parker that she knew who it was.

“Who is it?” Parker asked as she commanded Jersey to move away from the door.

“It’s Sidney.”

She opened the door, smiling through the pain as she greeted him.

“What happened?” Sidney asked with concern as he saw the blood on her hands and bloody fingerprints on her cheek. She must’ve touched her face without realizing.

“I broke a wine glass,” she sighed as she closed the door behind him.

He ushered her into the bathroom, sitting her on the toilet as he looked in her medicine cabinet for tweezers and bandage material.

"Where do you keep your first aid stuff?"

"It's below the sink in a purple container."

He sat on the edge of the tub, covered his knee with a hand towel to rest her foot on. He turned her body toward his as he placed on foot on his thigh, maneuvering carefully because she was in a dress. When he took ahold of the arch of her foot, she flinched back. He thought he hurt her, but when he looked up to find her covering her mouth, giggling quietly into her hand, he realized it tickled.

"I'm sorry. My feet are horrendously ticklish. I'll try not to pull back," she stifled laughter as he tried again, only to feign a look of seriousness, making Sidney laugh quietly.

"Ok. Don't move. I'm gonna pull the glass out," he warned her. When he looked up, he saw that she was clenching her entire body, hands covering her face in her own preparation for the pain. He pulled the shard out quickly, throwing it in the trash as he covered the wound with a gauze pad, vaguely hearing her smack her hand on the vanity to brace herself.

"It's out," he told her as he cleaned the area with peroxide, careful not to wipe the cut.

"Thank God," she exhaled, trying not to flinch as he wiped her foot.

"Where did the glass break?"

"In the kitchen. I thought I replaced all my glass wear with plastic wear. I'm a classy one," Parker rambled aloud as he bandaged her foot. Without warning, she felt him take a dampened washcloth to her face, gently stroking her cheek.

"You had smeared blood on your face," he told her noticing her surprised expression.

"It's my war paint," she said lamely, trying to distract herself from how delicate he was being and how intimate the situation probably looked. She could feel her face flush from the thoughts that flashed through her mind.

"So," she cleared her throat, "to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well you bragged shamelessly about your coffee, so I thought I'd give it a go," he teased her. As he cleaned the bathroom, he realized that his reasoning was two fold; he wanted to give the coffee a go and deep down, he figured he’d see what would happen with Parker.

"Stay here. I'm going to clean the broken glass."

After he walked away, Parker limped into her bedroom to find some flip-flops. She felt her way into the closet, found the shoe organizer, and turned it while feeling for the plastic thong.

"Parker?"

"In here," she shouted as she found them, holding onto the door at she slipped them on one at a time.

"It's getting late. Are you sure you want coffee?" Parker asked as she walked into the kitchen. Sidney looked at his watch. It was going on ten o'clock.

"I didn't even realize how late it was. Do you want to do a rain check?"

"No. I'll drink coffee. I just didn't know if you needed to be up early tomorrow. If you want, we can have a glass of wine instead?"

“Sure.”He followed as she walked to her cabinets, counting them as she went. He wondered what kind of system she had to know where everything was.If he didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t know she was blind the way she walked around her apartment.

"Do you like red or white?" She asked as she reached for the plastic glasses.

"Red sounds good," he told her as he pulled the glasses down for her.

"You look nice." He noticed immediately as she opened the door, but forewent telling her because of the broken glass. She was wearing a short-sleeved red sheath dress with geometric flowers. He pondered how she did her make up or if she has someone do it for her.

"Thank you. I was on a date." She poured the wine and handed him a glass, needing to busy her mouth so she would stop smiling from the compliment. At the same time, Sidney felt a tinge of jealousy.

"How'd it go?"

"It was good until he became predictable," she said dryly.

"Predictable how so?"

"Predictable in that he was preoccupied the entire time. He also flirted with the waitress. I think people forget that just because I can't see doesn't mean I can't pick up on things."

She walked toward the couch and sat down, patting the seat next to her.

"So I'm curious," she started with a smile as he sat down, "have you come up with any plans to make my guide dog Zamboni?"

Her excitement was contagious, and he found himself beaming like her. He made a decision as she talked about ice skating to take her soon, only he'd be her eyes on the ice.

Notes