Suddenly I See

He tapped his foot anxiously on the ground, checking his watch every couple of minutes, unsure of how the next couple of hours were going to unfold as he sat on his bench. He told Maggie to meet him at the park so he could see Phoebe without the threat of seeing Sara. Every time he heard feet approaching, he looked in that direction, hopeful that he’d see the beautiful little girl he’d imagined was his and Sara’s for so long.

“Go get him.”

At first he thought he imagined Maggie’s voice, having looked in the direction he thought they’d come from, but when he heard little feet running toward him with labored breath, he looked in the other direction, feeling choked up when he saw how happy Phoebe was as she ran toward him, arm stretched wide to hug him.

“Phoebs!” he caught her, pulling her into the air, spinning in circles as he clutched her little body. She giggled gleefully as he pulled her onto his shoulders, walking backward toward Maggie who was watching from afar.

“Wook mommy!” Phoebe called out, reaching her arm up toward the sky.

“Look at how tall you are,” Maggie said cheerfully to Phoebe as she hugged Sidney, giving him a sympathetic smile, rubbing his back as she pulled away.

“Should I ask how you’ve been doing?” Maggie asked as she pulled her scarf tighter around her neck to hide her skin from the cold.

“I’m doing ok,” Sidney told her unconvincingly, avoiding eye contact. He and Maggie had developed a special relationship when he started dating Sara as Maggie considered him the brother she never had.They had become so close throughout the years that Maggie could read him like a book, noticing subtle changes in him when he and Sara first started struggling to have children.She was the one who approached him to see if everything was all right before they announced their problems to anyone.He kept his focus on Phoebe, holding her tiny frame as she did air summersaults off of his shoulders like they always did, chuckling quietly as she tried desperately to climb up his body to do more.

“Phoebe, what did we say about climbing on people?” Maggie corrected her daughter, taking the focus off of Sidney for a couple of moments.

“Sowwy,” she looked at her uncle, fear in her eyes as she thought she may get in trouble.

“Why don’t we play on the jungle gym?” Sidney suggested, taking her small hand in his as the three walked to the vacant playground.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to call recently. The team just got back from a long road trip.How are things with you guys?” Sidney asked, watching Phoebe as she climbed onto the jungle gym castle, going straight for the slide.

“We’re good. Phoebs started going to daycare.She’s pretty popular and she has a little boyfriend,” Maggie rolled her eyes at the thought of her three-year-old daughter with a real boyfriend one day.

“Boyfriend, huh? You better get used to it.She’s going to be a beautiful girl,” he waved at Phoebe as she called him to play with her on the jungle gym.

“I don’t think I’ll fit,” he looked to Maggie, who was covering her mouth, laughing as she shrugged, imagining his stocky frame trying to maneuver on the children’s playground. He climbed onto the platform, barely fitting through the opening.He stood up cautiously, making sure that the infrastructure didn’t collapse under his weight.

“I wanna swide,” Pheobe told him eagerly as she walked him to the slide, pulling him to sit down at the top.

“Phoebs, I’m a bit big for this slide,” he told her as he tried to fit his butt and legs into the edges as she climbed onto his lap. He decided to put his legs over the edges, holding her between his legs and he pushed them down.

“Again!” Phoebe laughed at the bottom, running back around the structure to repeat.

“Just let me know when you need a break,” Maggie pulled him aside, not wanting him to feel like he had to continue to play with her.

“Never,” he smiled at Maggie, jogging back around to climb onto the jungle gym again.

Maggie watched in awe, pulling out her phone to take pictures. She wanted to have one of Sidney and Phoebe framed for Phoebe’s bedroom. Her little girl loved Sid, and Maggie felt horrible that she didn’t have any pictures of the two of them together.As she flipped through the pictures, there was one in particular that stood out.Sidney and Phoebe were at the top of the slide, and the two of them were looking off into the distance.Sidney was leaning into her ear, telling her to look at where his finger was pointing, and Phoebe was smiling as she pointed as well.It was adorable.He was adorable with children.She put the picture into a text message that read, “You’re an idiot,” and addressed it to Sara.

Thirty minutes later, the three had moved from the jungle gym to the swings. Sidney was pushing Phoebe in the toddler swing as she yelled for him to push higher, making him laugh at how much of a daredevil she was at three.

“Phoebe, tell Sidney what you’re going to start doing when you’re older,” Maggie said as she watched the two of them interact together. When Phoebe stayed quiet, Maggie realized she was being bashful all of a sudden.

“She wants to play hockey like her uncle,” Maggie told Sidney, proud that her daughter had aspirations to do something other than dancing at such a young age. She remembered the first game Phoebe went to, having to put her to bed three separate times that evening as she talked about Sidney’s goal that he scored for her.She still talked about it, and when Maggie asked if she wanted to play, she lit up with excitement and talked about it endlessly.

“She said that uncle Sinny could be her teacher,” Maggie mimicked her.

“Absolutely,” Sidney smiled as he pushed higher, earning an excited squeal out of the little girl.

“Sawa!” Phoebe shouted as she pointed toward an approaching woman.

“No,” Maggie said in disbelief, admonishing herself for sending the text while they were still at the park. She didn’t even consider that Sara would be familiar with the park they were visiting based solely on the text.

“Did you tell her where we were?” Sidney asked, panic dripping from his voice.

“No. I mean, not directly.I sent her a picture of you and Phoebe on the slide to show her that she was a fool.I didn’t think she’d recognize the park based on the picture.I’m really sorry, Sidney,” Maggie begged for forgiveness.“I’ll go tell her to leave,” Maggie said as she stood from the swing.

“Its ok,” Sidney sighed, putting his hands in his pockets like he always did in uncomfortable situations. The last time he and Sara were together, they were having goodbye sex in their old home. He could do this.He could talk to her.He just needed to breathe.

“Sinny, out,” Phoebe demanded as she lifted her hands for him to lift her out of the swing. She took Sidney’s hand and dragged him to Sara.As much as he subtly resisted her pulling, Phoebe pulled harder, giving him adorably puzzled looks, confused as to why he was so reluctant to walk toward Sara.

“How’s my big girl?” Sara cooed as she knelt down to hug Phoebe.

“Sawa! Sinny here!” she said excitedly, pointing toward him to make sure Sara saw.

“Yes. I can see that,” Sara patted Phoebe’s head as she finally acknowledged Sidney.Sara looked at him, the way he was standing like he did with his fans, friendly while being shut off, and it broke her heart.She missed the days when he looked at her with love and admiration, the way he would kiss her cold, red cheeks after he kissed her lips as a greeting during the winter, the way they couldn’t go without touching one another every second they were together.It was all gone.

“How are you?” Sidney asked after he cleared his throat.

“Good, good. And you?” Sara asked with a shaky, nervous voice.

“Hanging in there,” he said honestly, looking away from Sara to Phoebe, who was in the process of digging his hand out of his pocket, pulling him closer to Sara.

“Kiss,” she insisted, being used to their public display of affection whenever Sidney and Sara were around. Sidney and Sara looked at each other, unsure of what to do or say.Sidney looked away, wanting nothing more than to kiss her, be with her, have a family with her, but knew his wanting was futile.If he kissed her for Phoebe’s sake, all of the emotional damage control he’s done would be for nothing.

“Phoebe, I’m not feeling well. I’ll get Sidney sick if I give him a kiss, and then he wont be able to play hockey for you,” Sara reasoned as she knelt down again to reason with her.

“I kiss Sinny for you,” Phoebe whispered loudly, smiling at Sara as she picked Phoebe up.

“That’s very nice of you,” Sara looked at Sidney, wanting to kiss him as she passed Phoebe to him.

“Sinny, I kiss you for Sawa,” she told him as she puckered her lips. He presented his cheek to her, but she put her little hands on his cheeks, pulling his face to hers, kissing him square on the lips.Maggie laughed while Sara covered her mouth in surprise, stifling the humorous gasp as he let Phoebe kiss him.

“Thank you, Phoebs.” He walked her back to the jungle gym in his arms, lifting her onto the platform, following behind her.He needed to get away from Sara, the way she looked with her new haircut, the smell of her perfume, and the way she looked and smiled at him like she was still in love with him.It took his breath away, and he prayed distancing himself would give him some perspective.

“Phoebe, we need to get going. We need to take a nap,” Maggie called, interrupting the playtime.When she walked over to the jungle gym to get her daughter, Phoebe instantly burst into tears.

“I no weave Sinny,” she cried, arms wrapped around his neck as she cried into his shoulder.

“Phoebe,” he gently pulled her back, wiping the tears off of her cheeks, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Mommy is going to drop you off at my apartment and we’re going to spend the entire day together,” he told her enthusiastically.

“I miss you, Sinny,” Phoebe told him as she rubbed her eyes, fighting the fatigue that came with playing too long.

“I miss you, too,” he told her with another hug and kiss before walking her to Maggie. The four walked back toward the parking lot, listening to Phoebe talk about all the fun she had.Maggie hugged Sidney goodbye, asking him a final time for the specifics about the following day.He looked on as Phoebe twisted her little body in her car seat, desperate to wave at Sidney as Maggie pulled off, and as he turned to walk toward the apartment complex, he ran into Sara who was standing behind him.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” he grabbed her, steadying her before he backed away.

“Its ok,” she shifted anxiously. “Its great to see you.”

“You, too,” Sidney nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets again.

“Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee or something?” Sara suggested with a shrug.

“Sara, I’m not sure…”

“I just want to talk like we used to,” Sara interrupted.

He looked at her, eyes glistening, and he wasn’t sure if it was the stinging wind that was causing it, or something else.

“Please?” Sara asked, biting her lip to keep herself from crying in front of him.

Sidney instinctively reached out for her as he saw the tear peak over her eyelid, but stopped himself, zipping his coat up to his chin. He couldn’t wrap his mind around why she was practically begging to spend time with him when she was the one who ended it.He wouldn’t let himself get overthink it.Coffee didn’t necessarily mean a rekindling of their relationship.Nothing had changed; he was still unable to have children naturally.If nothing else, maybe their coffee date would give him some closure.

“I can’t stay out for long. I have a game tonight.”

“I know,” Sara smiled as they started walking toward the coffee shop.

Sidney’s door wasn’t even closed before he and Sara started grabbing at one another’s clothes. He knew it was a horrendous idea to invite her up to his place, but the hour at the coffee shop was like a walk down memory lane.The conversation flowed naturally, they laughed about happy memories.Their misfortune never came up.He missed her, and if there time together was only for a couple of moments, he’d take what he could get, making sure she knew she was the one who decided to end them.

He quickly unzipped her jacket, eagerly pushing it over her shoulders as he walked her backward into his living area, getting harder and harder as she moaned into his mouth. He ripped her tee shirt and sports bra over her head, not giving her a chance to start to undress him.Pulling her hair to expose her neck, he aggressively kissed and bit his way down her chest, taking one of her nipples in between his teeth, pulling gently.Sara gasped at the pleasure, finding it hard to stand as all of the blood quickly rushed to her erogenous zones.

“You miss that, don’t you?” Sidney growled at her as he unbuttoned her jeans, shoving his hand into her underwear, slowly circling her clit with his pointer and middle finger.

“God yes,” her voice broke as she gripped his broad shoulders for support.

“What else do you miss?” he asked, maneuvering his other hand in her pants, squeezing her ass as he continued his stimulation. He knew exactly what she wanted and liked, how rough or gentle she liked it, and he intended to make her come multiple times as a reminder of what she gave up.

“What about this?” he whispered into her ear as he slowly pushed his fingers into her, dragging them against her g-spot. He didn’t need to feel for it; he knew exactly where it was from years of experiences.

“And this?” he pushed her pants down around her knees before he jiggled his fingers inside of her, making her moan loudly.

“More?” he pushed her onto the arm of the couch, pulling her pants off the rest of the way as he continued fingering her.

“Yessss,” she cried, clenching the cushions, coming harder than she had in a long time. Sidney watched triumphantly as she bucked her hips in the air, riding out the wave as he held his fingers inside of her without movement, pushing her lower half onto the armrest.

He flipped her over, unbuttoning and pushing his jeans simultaneously. He pushed himself all the way in without a problem, holding himself as far in as he could get.It made him dizzy, having only masturbated for the past couple of months, but he would push himself to the limit like he pushed himself in games.He pulled out antagonizingly slow, slamming back into her, smacking her ass as he pulled her hair.

“Fuck me harder,” she demanded through heavy breaths, pushing her hand between her body and armrest to stimulate herself.

“I’ll give you harder,” he grumbled, pounding into her harder than he ever had, moving the couch little by little with every thrust.

“Is that hard enough for you?” he grunted between thrusts, roughly caressing her breasts as she slowly and involuntarily got into position to come, leaning into it, putting her head down, curling her ankles and toes.

“I’m clo…,” she moaned, digging her nails into the leather cushions as she urged him to continue, not anticipating that he would seal the deal by smacking her ass hard again, pushing her over the edge. She was mid-orgasm when he came, emptying months of frustration and desolation into her, not anticipating the vacant, numb feeling he’d get afterward.He pulled out, finding himself at a loss for words as she crawled all the way onto the couch, looking expectantly at him to join her.

“I’ll be right back,” he muttered, scooping his pants up in passing as he walking into his bathroom, locking the door behind him. He leaned against the door, exhaling as he let his head fall back against it.After he found the strength to move, he cleaned himself up, throwing his boxers back on before he reentered the living room.He knew the idea of a pregame nap wasn’t a possibility, but he’d relax on his couch just the same.

It was déjà vu.Sara was gone, but this time, it didn’t surprise him.

“I need to buy a new couch,” he said to himself as he collapsed onto it, taking a large swig of water as he turned on ESPN.

“Dude, where the fuck were you tonight?” Marc hissed at Sidney after the post game interviews. They had lost 5-0 to the Panthers, and the entire team noticed their captain’s head wasn’t in the game.

“I really fucked up,” Sidney admitted quietly, aware that he wasn’t reading plays, connecting, shooting. He missed so many scoring opportunities, and he knew he’d hear about it from the coaching staff the next day.But his mistakes weren’t exclusive to the game.The more he thought about what happened with Sara, the more he realized he felt guilty about it, but he couldn’t place where the guilt was coming from.

“What’s going on with you?”

“I didn’t nap this afternoon. I saw Maggie, Phoebe, and Sara at the park,” he started to explain to Marc, wiping his face with his towel as he continued.“Sara wanted to grab a coffee, so we did, and the next thing I knew, I had her bent over my couch, railing her out from behind.I felt nothing by it.But something is bothering me, obviously,” Sidney finished dryly.

“I feel guilty,” Sidney told him, hoping his friend had some words of wisdom.

“Well figure it out, man. We need you,” Marc slapped Sid on the back, standing up to shower.Before he was out of sight, he turned around.“Oh, and Sid, Vero wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow.”

Sidney showered, dressed, and drove home, ignoring everyone who tried to call him after his miserable attempt at playing hockey. He knew his dad was going to rip into him, and Sidney decided to cross the bridge the following morning when he usually called his parents.His mind was so fogged that he didn’t pay attention to anyone on his way out of Consol or into his apartment building.Taking the stairs, he wracked his brain to figure out why he felt guilty, as if his afternoon with Sara was going to cause someone pain.As he opened the stairwell door, he noticed a small package outside of his door.It was a box wrapped in a plumb purple foil paper with a gold envelope on top.Picking up the box, he opened his door and walked into the kitchen.He opened the box first, finding a dozen frumpy, misshapen chocolate chip cookies inside.Confused, he opened the envelope that was labeled “S” to reveal a handwritten note.

Sidney,

I haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope all is well.Enjoy the cookies.They’re homemade J

-Parker

Without slipping a beat, he picked up the box and carried it to the door, taking the couple flights down to Parker’s floor. He took a deep breath as he knocked on the door.For all he knew, she could’ve been sleeping.He heard Jersey’s collar jingling on the other side of the door, indicating she was home.

“Who is it?”

“Its Sid,” he responded, noticing he was wearing a small smile on his face for the first time since that morning with Phoebe.

“Sidney, hi,” Parker answered the door, flushing crimson as she closed the door behind her. “This is a surprise,” she scratched her forehead anxiously.

“I figured we could share the cookies you made together.” He thought his idea was great until he saw how uncomfortable she got, stuttering as she looked at the ground.It hit him all at once.She had company and she was too nice to come out and tell him, and by the color of her face, it was a man.

Notes