White Orchids

“I can’t believe you.”

“Listen Ty, I’m sorry, she came to me for help. I had to,” Candace explained fretfully. She knew very well that she was in trouble.

“I get it, okay?! I get that whole sister bond the two of you have. What I don’t get is how you could let me go searching through the streets of Boston like a fucking lunatic looking for her. All I could think about was her lying in a ditch somewhere. Do you have any idea how that felt?!”

“What are you – “ she paused and sighed. “You didn’t see my text, did you?”

“What text?” Tyler asked angrily.

“Oh, Tyler. Shit. I texted you the second I picked her up.”

“No you didn’t,” he argued.

“Yes, I did. Check your messages.”

Tyler pressed the home button on his phone, and instantly noticed the red notification on his message icon. There was no way he could have possibly missed that. Just to be sure, he opened it.

Candace 07:23:19: Hey big bro. Idk how to tell u this. Nicki’s going to Lisa’s, needs some time to think. Call me. <3

He couldn’t believe it. If he had just been focused enough, he would have seen that when she sent it and wouldn’t have gotten everyone so worried. Suddenly, he felt to blame for the entire mess.

“I’m so sorry,” she said quietly, acknowledging that he was utterly speechless.

Whenever Tyler felt this badly about himself, there was only one person he could turn to that stood a chance at making him feel better. That person just so happened to be a three hour plane ride away, and apparently had no intentions of talking to him. At a loss for what to do, he curled up underneath the sheets and buried half of his face in Nicki’s old pillow. His need for physical comfort was agonizing; he’d never felt so strongly for it.

“Did she say why?” he whispered into the phone.

“No, I could barely get her to talk at all. She gave me a note, though. And asked me to give it to you.”

“What did it say?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t read it. It’s on the island in your kitchen, I stopped by on the way home from the airport,” she said hesitantly, as if she was afraid he was still mad at her.

So there had been somebody at the house. But he’d been in the kitchen, and didn’t see any note. Tyler wondered what else he could have possibly missed.

“I wish you would have called me,” he muttered.

“I know Ty, I’m sorry. I just… didn’t know if I could say it to you out loud. I don’t think I could bear hearing your reaction. It’s hard enough now as it is.”

All he could get out was an, “Okay.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“Well, I guess I’m going back to the house to read that note. There’s nothing else I can do. Lisa didn’t give me much of a choice.”

Candace was silent for a long time; long enough that Tyler almost started to drift off to sleep again. He’d only gotten three hours or so, and wasn’t in any shape to be doing much of anything. He dreaded the imminent disaster of his game later that day, already preparing himself for the tongue lashing of a lifetime from Claude.

“Do you want me to come over?” she finally asked.

Tyler thought over her offer. He just wanted to be alone, but knew deep down that it was probably the worst thing for him.

“If you want.”

** * * *

“Nicki, I read your letter. You are so, so wrong. Please just call me back. I love you so much.”

That was the first of a long string of gradually more desperate voicemails that Tyler left, beginning the moment the lined piece of paper fell from his hands to the floor. After hanging up a twelfth time, he placed his phone on the island and bent down to pick up the letter. As badly as he wished he could forget every word on the page, his eyes couldn’t be unglued from it.

Tyler,

I’m sure you’re thinking right now that you did something wrong, but you didn’t. I know you always think that everything is your fault, and that you can fix whatever goes wrong in our lives. And usually, you can. But this time is so different. I know we could have gotten over losing him. It would have taken a long, long time, but we could have done it. This though, finding out that I’ll never be able to give you what you want, it’s not fixable. There’s no way that I can ever be the person I need to be for you now. You deserve to have kids Ty, more than anyone I know. And not somebody else’s. Your own. You should be able to experience what it feels like to look down into your own eyes, or to leave a kiss on the perfect replica of that adorable nose. I love you, more than I’ll ever be able to love anyone or anything else. But I can’t knowingly stay and watch your life go by, empty and childless. I care about you too much to do that. So I’m staying at Lisa’s. I don’t know for how long. Eventually, I’ll talk to my dad and have him get my things. I wish everything could have been different, love. I wish there was something I could do to make things right.

Always,

Nicki

“Ty?”

Without saying a word, Tyler handed the letter to Candace. He watched her as she read, and knew the moment she figured out what all of this was about.

“She’s not mad at you,” she whispered, shaking her head. “She’s blaming herself for all of this.”

“Looks that way,” he said. “Candace. I don’t know what to do.”

She pondered over everything for a moment, made evident by the face she wore every time she thought deeply about something .

“I think you should call Lisa and read her this letter.”

“Why?”

“Because,” she started, grabbing him gently by the wrist. “If she knows what this is really about, I’m willing to bet she’s gonna tell you to come get her.”

Although Tyler didn’t agree with her, it was worth a shot. What was the worst that could happen? He picked his phone up off of the granite and scrolled through all of his recent calls to Nicki until Lisa’s name popped up.

“You’re sure about this?” he asked, waiting for Candace to nod before calling her.

It rang twice before Lisa picked up, and it took her an extra second to say anything.

“Tyler, I thought I made myself very clear – “

“You did,” he said, interrupting her. “But I’d bet my entire salary that Nicki still hasn’t told you why she’s there.”

She sighed and gave in. “You’re right. You sound like you know something that I don’t.”

“That’s because I do.”

Tyler paused before reading her the letter, making sure to go slowly so that there was no room for misunderstandings. When he finished, he was out of breath, but full of hope. Maybe Candace was right.

“That explains so much,” Lisa muttered, so quietly that Tyler could barely hear her. “Alright. You aren’t going to like what I’m about to say, but I need you to give me a few days with her.”

Before she could clarify, Tyler cut her off with a fretful, “Why?!”

“Because, I think she’s depressed. And I know you’d like to think that you can just be her savoir and swoop in and make everything better, and usually you can. But I haven’t seen her like this since after Mark’s accident, and once she makes up her mind she’s as stubborn as a mule. Ty, I’m so sorry about this. I know how much you love her, and believe it or not, she loves you even more.”

“So then why did she leave me?” he whispered, afraid he was going to lose it in front of Candace.

“You read the letter, hon. She thinks she wronged you; she thinks that you’re better off without her. Just, I’m begging you, give me some time to get through to her. If I can’t, then you can come and try to convince her to see someone. It worked last time, right?”

Tyler rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingers, trying to physically soothe his emotional distress.

“Yeah, I got her to go. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” he asked. “Stay here and live life like everything is okay? I’m completely lost without her, Lisa. How can she not see that?”

“I wish I could tell you,” she answered sadly, as if she was just as upset by it as he was.

In the background, Tyler could hear some kind of noise. He assumed that it was Bella’s screeching, and was about to start talking again when he realized that he recognized the commotion well. It was the same wailing cry that Nicki had been sporting since she found out about the baby. His stomach dropped and he began to feel nauseous, yet again.

“Is that…?”

“Ty, I have to go. You’ll get through this,” she promised, before adding, “Love you.”

He hung up the phone without answering her.

“You look like you just saw a ghost,” Candace said softly, running her hand down the length of his arm.

There was nothing that he could come up with to say. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to explain what he’d just heard. Tyler ached to be with her, to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

“I think you should lie down,” she suggested.

Candace didn’t let him object. She placed her hand on the small of his back and pushed him gently through the kitchen, the dining room, and into the small den that was nestled into the corner of the house. It was one of the cozier attributes to the large house, and Nicki had made it feel perfectly homey and comfortable.

Tyler took a seat on the couch and turned on the TV, hoping to find any kind of distraction from the absolute catastrophe that his life had become. Candace disappeared and returned a moment later with a blanket.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked.

He nodded, and she sat next to him, offering him some of the blanket which he accepted gratefully. It wasn’t a cool night, and the house was temperate, but the lonely chill of Nicki’s absence beckoned the use of simple comforts, like the fluffy blanket they always shared. They stayed that way for only a short amount of time before Candace grabbed him underneath his arms and pulled him closer to her.

“Come on, get comfortable. You need to sleep.”

On any other night, Tyler would have refused and made his way upstairs to the bedroom. But the thought of being completely alone frightened and depressed him. Not only that, but Candace had grown up to be an outstandingly loyal friend, who always made sure to be there when he needed something. She had become nearly as nurturing as his mother and Nicki, and at this point, he was going to take anything he could get.

Tyler timidly allowed his head to rest on her shoulder, feeling slightly uncomfortable. They hadn’t been so physically close since they were children, sharing a bed when the thunderstorms kept them up at night. As the time passed, however, he loosened up. Candace noticed and wrapped her arms around his chest in a strangely comforting notion.

“Thank you,” he murmured, already feeling the fatigue creeping up on him.

“Don’t mention it,” she said. “I hate seeing my big brother upset. After all of those boys you chased away for me when we were kids, this is the least I can do.”

The memories of their childhood evoked the tiniest chuckle from Tyler, but he was too drowsy to say anything back.

“Everything is gonna be okay Ty, you know that, right?”

He wished more than anything that he could believe her. That he could agree and patiently wait Nicki’s return home. But something in his gut told him otherwise. There was no shaking the feeling that this was just the beginning.

** * * * *

“Nicki what is it?!” Lisa asked as she darted into the living room, following the sounds of Nicki’s sobs.

She was on the couch, with newborn Noah still asleep in her arms. Lisa took him from her, probably in fear that she might wake him up and make him cry too. Nicki watched as she took him up the stairs, and was left all alone once again. She was growing more and more accustomed to being her only company.

“Sorry, doll. I hope you understand,” said Lisa as she returned.

Lisa sat down next to her and hugged her. Nicki just nodded, knowingly accepting the fact that no one expected her to talk anymore. When she first arrived, that was all everyone wanted her to do. Talk. Spill out her feelings. Explain why she did what she did. Between not wanting to bother other people with her mistakes and not knowing how to answer, the words never made it out. She seriously doubted that she had even formed five full sentences since she left Boston. And that was more than fine with her.

“Maybe you should keep your distance from Noah,” she suggested, rubbing Nicki’s back now. “You’re only hurting yourself more.”

Nicki stayed silent, and Lisa didn’t prod. She wanted more than anything to ignore the screaming infant in the room down the hallway from her. But a part of her was gaining a twisted pleasure from all of the pain. It was the part that dragged her down that hallway in the middle of the night to stare down into his crib, the part that glued her eyes to him and made her admire what a beautiful baby he was. It was absolute torture. She should be a few short months away from having one of her own, to hold and soothe and feed, and to share with the person she loved most on the entire planet.

“I heard you on the phone,” Nicki murmured, taken aback by the rasp in her voice. She hadn’t heard it in hours.

“Girl, I’m sorry you had to hear that. But I am so worried about you. He read me the letter, you know.”

She winced at the memory of writing that letter. Never in her short existence had she felt so much pain; never had she let someone down so terribly.

“He’s dying without you, hon. You should have heard him. How could you think he would be better off without you?”

Nicki shook her head as she tried to hold back the tears. She noticed more than once that Lisa was avoiding saying his name. It most likely had something to do with the breakdown that pummeled her every time she heard it. Just picturing him in her head was enough to make the warm tears flow down her cheeks.

“Because he is,” she whimpered, no longer caring how pathetic she looked or sounded. “We all know what an incredible father he would be, and how badly he wants it. I can never give that to him, Lis. I’ve already done enough damage. His life was perfect before I showed up.”

Lisa scoffed. “Yeah, and if you hadn’t, he’d have three ex-wives and ten kids who he never sees by now. I think it’s safe to assume he’s happy with the life he has, children or no children.”

Nicki shook her head again, and Lisa caught it with her hands, staring forcefully into her eyes.

“Don’t try to tell me I’m wrong,” she said. She was becoming frustrated, but Nicki couldn’t do anything to calm her. “If you could only hear the things he’s said about you over the years. No, wait. You have heard it. And somehow, some way, you still pretend you think you’re just some girl to him. Cut the shit, Nick. Seriously. You are being the worst kind of martyr right now. I tried to be soft with you, I tried to be nice and comforting. But apparently I have to step up my game, because you couldn’t even tell me why you left him. I’ll give you three days. After that, you’re out of here. I’m not going to help you self destruct.”

If Nicki even had anything to say, she wasn’t about to speak. Deep down, she knew that Lisa was right. But she didn’t have the courage to admit it, nor the strength to fix it. So she sat on the couch in tears as her best friend left her completely alone in the dark, to deal with her thoughts, her regrets, and her pain.

** * * *

“Auntie, how come you look so sad?”

Nicki looked down at Bella and tried to fake a smile. “I’m not sad, Bells. I’m just a little tired.”

“Oh. Okay! But you’re gonna stay up to watch Uncle, right?! We gotta watch Uncle!” she shrieked, jumping up and down in the middle of the kitchen floor.

“Yeah, of course,” she responded flatly, attempting to push the thoughts and images of him out of her mind.

“Bella, honey, stop jumping. You’re gonna hurt yourself again. Looks like you managed to inherit Auntie’s clumsiness,” Lisa teased, placing a hand on her daughter’s head and brushing her hair out of her face.

Lisa didn’t realize it soon enough. It was like a punch in the gut. Nicki felt her jaw begin to tremble and tried to hold in the agonizing scream that was just begging to be let out.

“Can you do Mommy a favor and go find Daddy?” Lisa asked quickly.

She waited for Bella to run out of the room before wrapping Nicki up in her arms.

“Sweetie, I am so sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” she said.

All Nicki could do was sob. As if seeing Bella wasn’t hard enough on its own. Hearing Lisa talk about inheriting genes from her and watching as she repeated the action that Tyler had made his own was outright unbearable.

“Listen, I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this, but I think you should check your voicemails.”

She looked up at Lisa, flabbergasted. How could she ever suggest something like that? She was trying to forget him, not listen to his voice over and over again as she slowly lost her mind.

“If you don’t, I’m going to do it for you, and I’m going to make you listen. You need to understand what you’re doing to him.”

Since their conversation the night before, Lisa had been exceedingly harsh with her. Nicki knew that she deserved all of it, but couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for herself. She so badly missed Tyler’s soft, reassuring gestures and calming encouragements.

While Nicki was lost in thought, she failed to see Lisa grab her phone and turn it on. Before she could object, his voice pierced her eardrums and barraged her brain.

“Nicki, I read your letter. You are so, so wrong. Please just call me back. I love you so much.”

She leaned forward and dropped her head onto the cold, granite island, covering her face with her arms. Lisa showed no mercy, and played the next message right after.

“Babe, please pick up the phone. Let me explain.”

“Come on, I know you’re getting these calls. I’m not stopping until you answer.”

“Why are you doing this to me? The least you can do is tell me why. You owe me that much.”

“Your dad is worried about you. Can you just call him and talk to him?”

“I really can’t believe you. How could you run off like that? I have so many questions, it’s killing me. Please, just answer the phone.”

“Nicki,” he paused, and she tried not to imagine what he might have been doing. “Please come home. I have no idea what to do without you.”

“Babe, why is it so hard for you to see how much I love you? I would – “

She never heard the end of the message, due to the fact that she picked up her phone and hummed it across the room, watching it shatter as it hit the wall above the stove.

“What the fuck?!” Lisa screamed, running across the room to gather the scattered pieces of her phone. “There was absolutely no need for that!”

“Mommy what’s going on?” Bella asked as she peeked around the doorway.

Lisa glared at Nicki before turning her attention to Bella. “Auntie just dropped her phone, that’s all.” After Bella’s inquiry was over, she turned back to Nicki. “I don’t know what’s going through your mind right now, and maybe I don’t even want to. But you’re acting like a child. Did you even process what he said? And I know that the both of us heard it. How can you listen to your man cry over you and not even flinch? He is so upset. And you are so upset. So what the hell is stopping you from giving the both of you what you need?”

“I don’t deserve him, Lis. I never did.”

** * * *

Tyler rolled his eyes at Brad, who was yawning behind Claude’s back. The man was a genius of a coach, and a hell of a guy, but he gave the worst pregame speeches in the entire NHL. Maybe even the entire hockey playing world. Normally, he would try to listen and pick up on a few of the things he was saying, purely out of respect. But tonight, there was no chance of him catching a single word.

All day he had been constantly checking his phone, praying that he would have a missed call or a text message. Anything at all. But every time he looked, he was disappointed. As the time went on, Tyler’s judgment became clouded. He honestly began to believe that she no longer loved him. How else could she leave him that way, and deny him even the chance to speak with her?

“Segs, hey. Segs?”

He blinked quickly a few times, pushing away the thoughts that swarmed in his head. Milan had taken Patrice’s place next to him, and was waving a hand in front of his face. At some point, Claude’s speech had ended, and half of the team had filed out onto the ice for the game.

“What’s up?” he asked, trying to be nonchalant about the fact that he had no idea what was going on around him.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Milan raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “You just seem like you’re on your own planet today, man. Is Nicki giving you a hard time or something? I know what they can get like, especially later on.”

Tyler drew in a sharp breath, doing everything he possibly could to keep from throwing a fit in the middle of the locker room.

“Uh, yeah,” was all he managed to say.

“Well, come on,” Milan said as he stood up and held out his hand. “We have some Penguin ass to kick.”

He let out the breath he’d inhaled and accepted Milan’s offer, still a bit wobbly on his skates from the lack of sleep he’d gotten over the past seventy-two hours. To Tyler’s relief, Milan didn’t seem to notice his inability to walk straight.

As he stepped out onto the ice, he truly considered bolting back to the locker room, taking off his skates, and going home. He was in absolutely no shape to be playing a hockey game, never mind against the Penguins. It went without saying that Murphy’s Law would be in full effect that night. Not only did he have a history with Crosby, which had only grown more aggressive since the hit he took from him, Evgeni Malkin had taken a personal liking to Nicki, and to saying the worst things he could conjure about her during the games to taunt him.

They’d met at the all star game the year after they got engaged. Tyler had been summoned to press conference after press conference one night, leaving Nicki to fend for herself. She ended up getting so bored that she went alone to one of the parties, hoping to meet some of the player’s wives and girlfriends that she could bond with. Evgeni found her before she could find them, and he stayed attached to her hip the entire night. Nicki had absolutely no idea who he was, and apparently hadn’t realized he was hitting on her until it was too late.

Tyler received three frantic voicemails and countless texts once the media was done with him, but he couldn’t get to her in time. Both bystanders and Nicki told him that Evgeni saw the ring on her finger and blew up, claiming that she had been flirting with him and leading him on. He asked her who she was there with, and when she told him he instantly threatened to tell Tyler that she had cheated on him. The bartender tried to settle the dispute and was answered with Evgeni’s fist in his face. Nicki cried for the rest of the night, and through part of the next day. She apologized upwards of one hundred times, feeling at fault for everything that happened. Since then, every single game against the Penguins, Tyler had to deal with constant remarks about her from him. It was a wonder he hadn’t beaten him to a pulp.

Needless to say, their lines were matched up the entire night. Tyler barely made it through the first period physically, and the constant chirping from Evgeni was slowly but surely sending him to the brink. For the sake of himself and his team, he needed to hold it together.

“I’m feeling a Seggy goal this period,” Brad said as they gathered with Patrice for the first puck drop of the second period.

“Let’s hope,” Tyler muttered, taking his place next to none other than his favorite Penguin.

As he readied himself for the face off, he heard a taunting voice in his ear.

“So I hear that wife of yours is pregnant.”

Tyler remained silent. He knew that is was coming, and there was no stopping it.

“Might want to run a paternity test on that little fucker.”

He prayed for the puck to drop. Anything to get him away from the douchebag next to him. Of course, Crosby was tossed out of the face off, giving Evgeni another moment to spew out insults.

“Better hope it’s not yours. God knows we don’t need another pussy like you running around.”

Finally, the puck hit the ice, and Patrice swatted it his way. Fueled by nothing short of blind rage, Tyler drove towards the net, passing all of the forwards, and faced with only the goalie and defensemen. He wound up as quickly as he could and with every ounce of strength he had, slapped the puck to the goal. Disbelief filled him as he saw it glide right through the five hole and hit the back of the net.

“I’m fuckin’ good!” Brad screamed, nearly lifting him off of his skates. “Told you Seggy!”

When they finished their brief celebration, Tyler felt a shove on his back.

“I think the only person with a bigger five hole than Fleury is your wife.”

Tyler turned and stared Evgeni down.

“Do you want to get the shit kicked outta you?”

Evgeni laughed and got right in his face. “The fucking day! I’d love to see you try.”

“You’re not even worth the penalty,” Tyler snapped, noticing his teammates surrounding him.

“Yeah, probably not. Hell, I’ll leave ya alone now. Just make sure you find me after the game so I can give you my number. You know, she told me she loves a good thrashing, but her husband just doesn’t have the stuff to give it to her. I’d be doing you a favor, Seguin.”

At last, the moment came. Everything that had been keeping Tyler in one piece dissipated. His brain was foggy with rage, and his blood was pumping. Using the finesse he prided himself in during the game, he turned away from Evgeni, making him think that he was going to walk away. In seconds, he had swung around, ripped off his helmet, and slammed a fist into his cheekbone. Tyler heard he thought something crack, and wondered if he broke his hand. If he had, he was in shock. He didn’t feel any pain; he didn’t feel anything but the adrenaline flowing through his veins.

Tyler could hear the shouts from his team, some egging him on, some telling him to stop. Before Evgeni could even gather what was going on, Tyler grabbed his jersey and pulled it over his head, throwing another bone jarring punch. He easily could have tackled him there, gotten him on the ice, and taken the win. But he wasn’t concerned with whether he went down the tunnel being cheered or jeered. All he cared about was beating the ever living shit out of the man in front of him.

Evgeni got in one good punch, convincing Tyler to quit while he was ahead. All it took was a pull on his part, and he was standing triumphantly over his rival on the ice. He received a few proud pats on the shoulder, and some nods of approval. The only person who looked displeased with him was Claude. As he was escorted to the tunnel, his coach grabbed his wrist.

“We need to have a talk, Segs.”

** * * * *

“Look at Uncle go!” Bella squealed, throwing her arms up in the air.

Out of the corner of her eye, Nicki saw Lisa trying to shush her. Of course, it didn’t matter much to her. There was no physical possibility of her bawling any harder than she already was. She always figured she would be proud of Tyler’s first NHL fight. Worried, but proud.

As she watched him beat the man who had constantly harassed her every chance she got, she felt a rush of emotions. Pride was not one of them.

Guilt, hatred, regret, sadness, and pain filled her. When Tyler took that lone punch, she could almost feel the tiny remainder of her heart shrivel up. The Garden was going wild, chanting his name and booing Evgeni. None of those seventeen thousand people knew the story behind what just happened, nor would they ever.

She knew as soon as Tyler went after him that he’d said something about her. No matter how many times she asked, he would never tell her what was said between them during games. He told her that she didn’t have the right to hear what went on out there, on the ice. Unfortunately, the best way to piss off a man was to talk down about his wife, and most players had mastered it.

“Auntie what’s wrong?!”

Nicki sniffled and tried to look at Bella, but the shame she felt kept her eyes stuck on the floor in front of her.

“I just don’t like seeing your Uncle get hurt, that’s all.”

“But he won!”

She knew that it wasn’t fair to Bella. She didn’t have the slightest clue as to what was going on between her and Tyler. She just thought her aunt was there on a visit to see her and her family, and that Tyler was home because he had to play hockey.

Nicki couldn’t speak. She could barely think straight. Instead of answering Bella like she should have, she got off of the couch and walked silently up the stairs, down the hallway, and into the guest room, where she collapsed on the bed and wished that everything would just be over.

** * * * *

“Segs, you are in deep fucking shit man.”

Tyler glanced up at Shawn, who was currently towering over him. He looked him over before focusing on his skates again, lacing them to the best of his ability. Things had become much more difficult since his hands developed a permanent, irreversible shake.

“You can’t just leave in the middle of a game. You’re supposed to be setting an example for the team. That fight? The way you just stormed off? I wouldn’t be surprised if you get scratched for a week.”

“So what?” he asked, standing up to face him. “So what if I do? The team would probably be better off without me anyways. We lost that game last night because of me.”

“Don’t go saying shit like that, man. We win as a team, and we lose as a team. You should know that by now.”

“That’s a load of bullshit,” Tyler snapped, pushing past Shawn as he readied to step onto the rink for practice.

“Where do you think you’re going? Before Claude rips you a new one, I want to rip you a new one. You’re acting like you’re nineteen again. At least back then, you didn’t know you were an asshole.”

“I can’t deal with this right now,” he muttered, trying again to step by Shawn.

He was stopped by two huge, strong hands.

“What could possibly have your panties in this much of a bunch? Is it something at home? Segs, you know we’re your family off the ice, too. If something is going on, you can tell us.”

“It’s nothing,” he said, trying to release Shawn’s grip on him. “Can we just go practice?”

“Fine. But if there is seriously nothing wrong, you’ve got to get your shit in line. You’re a leader on this team, and you sure as hell aren’t acting like one.”

Tyler nodded and brushed by him, onto the ice. Adam, Dougie, and Tuukka were the only other guys out there, and Tyler skated to the opposite end of the rink. He stayed quiet for most of the practice, even through Claude’s rant about how he wasn’t playing the role that he was supposed to. He was miserable, and every minute that passed seemed longer than the last.

Claude had them line up for four on fours, which was normally one of Tyler’s favorite drills. Today, he dreaded it. His legs felt as though they were filled with lead, and his mind was numb from all of the thinking he’d done the night before. He was paired up with Brad, Patrice, and Dougie, who were all still in awe of his fight. They knew him better than anyone on the team, and had all bet money that he would never drop his gloves.

As they passed the puck back and forth, trying to score on Anton, Tyler was growing increasingly wary. Patrice slapped it to him and in one motion he wound up and let go, watching as the puck went off of the post.

“Fuck!” he shouted, smashing his stick into pieces on the ice.

Claude’s whistle blew and he summoned to team into a huddle.

“Seguin, what the fuck is wrong with you? Honestly. We aren’t leaving this huddle until you come up with some kind of excuse for the way you’ve been acting. This is fucking ridiculous.”

Tyler ripped off his helmet and threw it half the length of the rink.

“Fine. I don’t even know where the fuck to start.”

“How about at the beginning?” Dougie proposed, not meaning to piss him off further. But he had.

He looked down at his skates, unable to face his teammates.

“She lost the baby,” he said quietly, dreading their reactions.

“Oh, God Segs. Why the hell didn’t you tell us? Did it happen yesterday?” Claude asked, suddenly no longer enraged.

Tyler shook his head. “Four days ago.”

“So that’s why you look like you haven’t slept in a week,” Adam said.

Milan appeared next to him and put a hand on his shoulder pad.

“Man, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe we’ve all been treating you like shit this whole time. Is Nicki a wreck?”

He sighed. If he hadn’t been so tired, he probably would have started to cry again. He was so entirely overwhelmed, he didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore.

“I assume that she is, yeah.”

“What does that mean?” Claude asked, now closer to him than he had been a moment ago.

“She left. So much happened, it would take me the entire practice to tell you everything. To be honest, I really don’t want to talk about most of it,” Tyler answered. “She won’t even talk to me.”

“Well where the hell is she?” asked Shawn.

“At her friend’s. Lisa, remember her? She lives in Michigan now.”

Brad was the next person to place a reassuring hand on him. “So why aren’t you there?”

“She told me not to come,” he said flatly.

“You’re gonna let that stop you?”

Tyler finally looked up, meeting his coach’s empathetic stare. “What am I supposed to do? She told me if I came, she wouldn’t even let me in.”

Shawn shook his head and stood directly in front of Tyler, capturing his undivided attention.

“So you go there, and you stand outside with a fucking boom box over your head if you need to. I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s your wife, and you just lost a kid. That is literally the worst thing anyone can experience. She needs you, Segs. Whether she wants to admit it or not.”

When Shawn said that, it was as if the veil that had kept Tyler from seeing clearly had been lifted. He was absolutely right. She needed him just as much, if not more, than he needed her. Lisa couldn’t tell him what to do with his family.

“I have to go,” Tyler murmured, looking around at his teammates; at his brothers.

“Don’t you come back without her,” Claude said, pulling him into an awkward hug.

** * * * *

Nicki grew more anxious every time she heard his voice.

“Hey, you’ve reached Tyler. Leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

“Ty. God, Ty. I am so sorry. Please just answer your phone. I know I screwed up. Please, love,” she begged, leaving her third voicemail in a matter of minutes.

“So you finally decided to be an adult, huh?” Lisa asked, standing with her arms crossed in the doorway.

Nicki made her way slowly across the room and wrapped her arms around Lisa’s waist.

“Lis, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You were right, there’s something wrong with me. If you want me to, I’ll see someone again. I just really need – “

She couldn’t finish her sentence. The lump that had formed in her throat cut off her vocal cords, and she sobbed silently into Lisa’s shoulder.

“Well, the reason he’s not answering his phone right now is because he’s on a flight out here.”

“He… he is?” she choked out.

“Yes, he is. Actually, he should be here soon. I came up here to tell you that Zach and I are taking the kids to a movie. I’ll try to keep them out of the house as long as possible, but no promises I can get you more than three hours.”

“He must hate me,” Nicki whispered, backing away from Lisa.

“I highly doubt that,” Lisa said. “Good luck, Nick. I really hope you realize that what you have with him is way too good to throw away.”

Nicki nodded, and accepted a kiss on her cheek before watching Lisa exit her room. She curled up on the bed, trying to establish some kind of plan, any kind of script for what she might say to him. When she started to become impatient and anxious, she ventured downstairs and into the kitchen, where she decided to wait for him.

The next half hour passed slower than the last twenty-five years of her life. She heard a knock, and rocketed off of her stool towards the front door. She swung it open, and was greeted with a bouquet of sweet flowers in her face. Nicki looked past the soft, white petals, and felt the breath leaving her lungs as she caught her first glimpse of Tyler after his fight. His left cheek was bruised and swollen, and a small gash marked the spot where he’d been hit with a stick in the last minutes of the first period.

“Can I come in?” he asked, shifting uncomfortably on the doorstep.

“Of course you can,” she said as she stepped out of the way.

She watched as he walked by her, overcome with the feelings that she’d been trying to suppress for the last day and a half. Nicki would have loved to jump into his arms and kiss him until the sun went down, but his presence was awkward, and she could feel the tension like electricity in the air.

Instead of saying anything, Tyler handed her the flowers that he held in his hand. She took them hesitantly, unsure why such a romantic gesture felt so uneasy. Nicki walked a few steps into the kitchen and set the vase down on the island, right as she noticed the white envelope sticking up in the middle of the arrangement.

Nicki’s eyes wandered to his face and got caught in the unrelenting hold of his gaze. When he shifted his focus to the envelope in her hands, she slipped a finger underneath the seam and ripped it open, removing the folded up piece of paper that was neatly placed inside. She picked it apart, fold by fold, until she was faced with an entire page of Tyler’s messy scribble.

Since you decided that it would be okay to tell me everything in a letter, I figured the same was okay for me. You know I’m not always great at saying what I mean, so maybe this is a good thing. I wish I knew the right place to start. I am so furious with you, Nicki. I’ve never been so pissed off at anything in my entire life. I can’t believe you would do this to me. After everything we had to go through, after all of the promises we made to each other, this is where we end up. It wasn’t fair for me to leave you that day, but it doesn’t justify you leaving me. There aren’t even words to tell you how miserable I was these past two days. And I won’t try to tell you, because I don’t want to make you feel bad. I’m supposed to be the one that makes you feel better, the one that makes sure everything is okay and that you’re happy. Yeah, we just got the worst news that I could even think of. But you really need to know this. I would rather spend the rest of my life with you, completely childless, than spend it with anyone else and have ten children of my own. You are the most important thing in my life, and you always will be. If having kids means losing you, I don’t want them at all. But we can have both, and if you’re willing to listen to me, we have options. It’s not perfect, but I really think we can make it work. Before we do any of that, though, we need to fix us. This back and forth fucking up isn’t working. Lisa tried to convince me to sign us up for couple’s therapy. At first I thought it was ridiculous, but now I’m not so sure. I would do anythingto keep you in my life. Nicki, nothing is right without you. So, please. Just come home.

Forever, remember?

Ty

After taking a long, deep breath, Nicki barreled into Tyler, instantly feeling his arms clamp around her.

“Tyler, I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry,” she said as she cried into his chest.

“I am too,” he said softly, leaving dozens of gentle kisses on the top of her head.

“I know what I did was wrong. And it’s just an excuse, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. There’s something really wrong with me, Ty. You and Lisa were right; I haven’t felt this way since before I met you. I’m willing to get help. I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’m so sorry I put you through that.”

“Just, forget about it, okay? If you promise me that you’ll never do it again, I can forgive you.”

“I promise,” she whispered, letting herself become engulfed in all of the sensations that accompanied being with him.

Tyler backed away from her slightly, only to hold her face delicately in his hands. She saw the bruised, bloody knuckles on his right hand and nearly fell to the ground. His lips on hers kept her standing, however, and she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him back fervently. All of the passion in the world was simply not enough to express the way she felt towards him just then.

His shaky hands snaked underneath her shirt and tugged at it gently. Nicki pulled her lips away from his, just enough to speak.

“I can’t, Ty. My stitches,” she reminded him.

Tyler leaned forward so that their lips touched again, and his breath on her face was the best thing she’d felt in days.

“Just let me do this,” he pleaded softly, sliding the fingers from one hand into her hair.

After everything they had been through, there was no way that she would be denying him. Nicki nodded her head slightly and let him undress her in the middle of the kitchen. She tensed up when her shirt fell to the floor, self conscious of both the weight she’d put on when she was pregnant and the grotesque wound from her surgery. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and hadn’t showered in days. Somehow, Tyler still managed to make her feel beautiful.

Once she was bare, Nicki began to strip him, not stopping until every piece of their clothing had been strewn across the floor. Tyler’s loving kiss distracted her from thinking of the possible consequences of their actions, and she complied as he picked her up and placed her on the island. The frigidness of the granite against her skin gave her goose bumps, which Tyler soothed with his warm palms.

She leaned back and, minding her stitches, laid flat on the countertop. As she stared up at the ceiling above her, she felt Tyler’s hands separate her thighs. A groan escaped her as he pushed into her, and chills ran down her spine as he rocked his hips, unhurriedly. It was obvious that this was nothing but a pure act of love, one that couldn’t possibly be mistaken for anything less. It was two people connecting in a way that words wouldn’t allow.

In no other situation could Nicki feel every one of Tyler’s emotions. The way his body moved, the way he looked at her, even the way he breathed, conveyed to her what could never be understood any other way.

When he bent forward to kiss her, she felt the pain and the loneliness that he had experienced in her absence. When he picked up his pace slightly, she felt all of the pent up passion spilling out, surrounding her. When his hands held her still swollen, tender breasts in place while the rest of her body shook, she knew that, for the rest of his life, he would do everything he could to take care of her.

As his movements ceased and Nicki’s breathing returned to normal, Tyler slipped his arms around her.

“Never do that to me again,” he whispered into her ear.

The agony in his voice would have shattered her if she hadn’t already accepted the renewed hope he offered her. They stayed that way as long as it was safe to do so, but eventually had to disinfect the island and dress themselves to await the impending return of Lisa and her family.

Once everything was taken care of, Tyler took a seat on the couch, and Nicki fell into his lap. His arms wound lightly around her stomach, and she knew that he wasn’t being so careful just because of her stitches. Her stomach had been the source of their greatest joy and their greatest pain, and it was going to take a long time, a lot of patience, and an inconceivable amount of work to learn to cope with it. But, just like the other difficult times in Nicki’s life, she was ready to face all of it as long as Tyler was by her side.