Never Let Go.

‘Kieran’s POV’

What better way to kick off the New Year than by fighting and sleeping in separate bedrooms right? It’s totally how I envisioned ending the first official day of 2017, a screaming match with my fiancé resulting in two slammed doors and me cuddling with the dog. What sparked the first fight of our wedding year? Cheaper by the Dozen. Yeah, a freaking movie and one stupid question turned our peaceful house into a war-zone.

As I lay here recounting the events in my head I might as well explain it from the beginning.

“Earlier on January 1, 2017”

The night before being New Year’s Eve meant the Stars had a game followed by the annual team party downtown. Last night was amazing, a win was celebrated as we rang in the New Year, the year in which Jamie and I are to be married and become godparents. This is supposed to be a very happy year, but right now it’s starting out pretty shitty. Recovering from our hangovers Jamie and I decided to spend New Year’s Day laying on the couch relaxing and watching movies, both of us dozing in and out of sleep. After dinner we settled in for one last movie before bed which happened to be Cheaper by the Dozen. You know that movie right? Where Steve Martin has 12 kids and a crazy life?

Okay so we were just lying on the couch enjoying the movie when I set off the bomb. “Could you imagine having that many kids?” I asked Jamie as he was focused on the screen, I anticipated a laugh and a no but I was so wrong. “I think it would be cool to have that many, well maybe not 12 but 5 or 6.” Excuse me? I thought sitting up to look at the insane man in front of me, 6 kids? I would go mad. “You want 6 kids? What happened to 2 or 3?” He shrugged, “You know I want a big family.”

Yeah, I knew he wanted a big family but big to me is 5 including parents! Not 5 kids, I grew up in a 4 person household and that was enough crazy! “But 6 kids is way too many Jamie, I cant handle 6 kids!” I rubbed my face trying to get a grip on the situation and try not tot freak out. His voice raised a bit, “it's not like you’ll be doing it alone Kieran, we’ll be married..” Did he forget he travels all the freaking time? “Jamie you’re gone constantly, how am I supposed to take care of 6 little people by myself?! And go to work!?” Work. That was it and we were back to square one as he opened his mouth I knew exactly where he was going.

“You could always,-“ I stood clenching my teeth and looking him in the eyes my arms flying in protest, “Don’t you even say it, you know I will not quit my job just to raise a family Jamie.” He crossed his tattooed arms and huffed, “I-we have enough money Kieran you don’t have to work. And I want kids.” Deep breath, Kieran I told myself as I closed my eyes to the man in front of me. “I want kids too Jamie, but a reasonable amount that I can take care of and have a career. I have no desire to sit at home all day and wait for you. That is not me.”

“So you get all the power in this decision? How many kids we have is up to you now, because of your job?” Jamie growled as he stood from the couch following me into the kitchen. “Wow, your job is always going to be more important right Jamie?” He shrugged, as if to say "I make a lot more money". I shook my head as I slammed my glass of water on the counter as tears threatened to spill over, “I’m done with this conversation.”

Pushing my way past Jamie I took the stairs two at a time with Knox right beside me, leaving Jamie at the bottom of the stairs in disbelief. I grabbed my pillow from our bed and my phone charger, colliding with Jamie as I was headed for the guest room down the hall. “Where are you going?” he asked and I couldn’t help but laugh at the ignorant man, “Well, I’m not sleeping with you.” His face was full of shock, “Kieran, come on” he pleaded following me to the doorway of the guest room. I tossed the pillow on the bed, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I spoke sternly and quietly as I slammed the door in Jamie’s face. Seconds later I heard the familiar slamming sound and knew Jamie was in our bed, alone.

And now here we are laying in separate beds, it's 2 AM I can’t sleep and my mind is racing. Was it always going to be like this? Each time we fought it always came back to my job. My work would always come second to Jamie’s even if I was saving lives and he was just playing hockey. Snores escaped Knox’s mouth as he was curled up on the pillow next to me, I loved that dog but he was no replacement for his dad. As I lay here in the darkness praying for sleep to succumb my thoughts I hear the doorknob turn slowly as if the person behind the door was trying to be sneaky.

Playing dumb I closed my eyes waiting to see what Jamie was doing, I heard footsteps enter the room and stop at the foot of the bed, I could feel him staring at me through the darkness. Moving slowly to continue my sleeping charade I roll onto my back eyes still closed, the footsteps come closer to my side of the bed. The mattress dips and I feel a hand on my cheek, “I’m sorry babe, I am so sorry.” I fight the smile pulling at my lips but allow my eyes to flutter open, taking in the shadow of the man I love sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I know, me too. I love you J,” Lips connect with my forehead and I move over giving him room to lie down next to me, Jamie’s arms are quickly wrapped around my body pulling me into him. “You have nothing to be sorry for, I did it again and I’m stupid for saying anything about your job. I know that’s not what you want to do with your life and I just want you to be happy Kier, really anything you want we’ll do that. If you're happy I'm happy.” He’s spilling his heart out at 2 am and it’s hard to keep up but I can sense he means it, he’s probably been thinking about it since we stopped yelling.

“I don’t want to make you give up your family dreams Jamie, but I don’t think we can both have demanding careers and a slew of kids. It’s just not going to work.” A deep, drawn out breath comes from his mouth and I can feel his chest rise and fall beneath me. “I’m not giving anything up Kieran, I have you and if we only have one kid I’ll be happy or if we have 4, as long as I am with you I’ll be happy. I just want to be with you.”

The waterworks are back as my heart swells with his words, staying mad at Jamie is so hard and I’m unsure of what to say next. “Okay,” I start, trailing my fingertips across his skin as I ponder where I’m going with my response. “J, we’ll always have each other, how about we just see what comes our way, I’m always happy with you Jamie no matter what, I’m going to love you.” Raising my head from his chest I search the darkness for his face pulling it to mine, “Deal. And I love you too, let’s go to bed yeah?” He kisses me once more and climbs under the covers, sleep finds me easily this time wrapped in his arms.

Notes

dun, dun, dun... dramaaaaaaaaa :P How many Benny babies will there be? I guess we will find out someday.. Maybe soon, maybe later ;) xoxo -Ally

Fight Night