Never Let Go.

‘Kieran’s POV’

No simple apology is going to fix the hot mess that is my engagement. No amount of “I’m sorry’s” can piece back together the aftermath of our little run in with Ryan. When we got home from the club last night Jamie and I spent 2 hours going back and forth screams echoing through our walls. With the alcohol running through our veins words spewed out without much thinking. I tried explaining myself and the mistakes I had thought I left in the past while Jamie tried and failed to understand why I never told him. In all honesty, I don’t know why I didn’t tell him, then again I never thought I would see Ryan again. But unfortunately California isn't that far away.

Jamie called me a liar, I called him an ass and a hypocrite. I knew stories of his puck bunny past and didn’t judge him but this was apparently different. He said he didn’t know who I really was, I told him maybe that’s a good thing. He wouldn’t like who I used to be, that Kieran was scary but maybe she was back. I locked myself in the bedroom, while he slept on the couch or in the guest room at this point I could care less where he was sleeping.

I’ve only left the bedroom for coffee and to let the dog out, both times Jamie hasn’t even bothered to look in my direction. Neither of us know what to do. My phone buzzes constantly with calls and texts from Lauren and Tyler, but I’m not ready to face humanity yet. For now I just want to sleep, and push away the thoughts that maybe my relationship is over. The diamond ring from my left hand sits on the bedside table, it’s staring me down but I don’t really feel like wearing it.
-- I just slept for over 12 hours and I still feel like shit and I’m sure I look like it too. The door to the bedroom is open but I’m the only one in bed, Jamie must have used the key to get in. I check the bedside clock, 7:23 time to face the world it’s Monday and I have to go back to being Dr. O’Reilly. The light is on in Jamie’s closet and I realize that today is also travel day, the Stars are off on their longest roadtrip of the season. A 12 day stretch of games from California, through Canada, over to Boston and New York before coming back to Texas.

I peel back the covers and head into the bathroom, a quick shower should wake me up enough to handle today. That and a large amount of coffee. Wrapped in a towel I exit the bathroom, finding Jamie stuffing last minute things into his suit case. Our eye contact is short as I grab underwear and head into my closet for a set of scrubs.

When I’m dressed in grey scrubs with a Stars long sleeve underneath I blow dry my hair and throw it up in a bun, sliding my glasses onto the bridge of my nose. My eyes are far too sore from crying to attempt contacts today. Before leaving our room I stop at my bedside table, my engagement ring staring at me. If I didn’t wear it chances are someone would go running to the Dallas Tribune and we’d be on the front page, “Stars Captain Engagement Ended” words I hoped to never read or say. But for now that seemed plausible.

In the kitchen I find Jamie sitting at the bar on his phone, Knox is sitting at his feet whining for the bagel on his plate. I don’t say a word but go about my business starting the Keurig and grabbing a granola bar from the cabinet. When my coffee is done I turn in his direction, we both stare for a minute pondering what to say. 24 hours hasn’t made this any easier, and 12 full days certainly isn’t going to help either. Checking my watch I know I need to go but I don’t know how to say goodbye, and Jamie’s caught on.

“You’re going to be late...” he looks at the giant clock on the kitchen wall before standing from his chair. “Ye-yeah, I’ll uh see you in 12 days?” the words come out stuttered and my eyes sting with the familiar feeling of tears. “Yeah, I’ll call... If you want me to, I-“I just nod, before giving him a hug goodbye. It’s not our normal goodbye hug, its light like we don’t know each other but I can feel Jamie’s lips on the top of my head and squeeze my eyes tight fighting back the water works. “Be careful, and good luck.” I whisper “I love you” as I’m pulling away from his body, “Always.” He mumbles back and I can feel him watch me leave out the door.

I cried my whole drive to work when I realize he didn’t say it back. Like a fool I sat in the parking lot of the clinic for a few minutes trying to pull myself together, trying to come up with some bull shit excuse for why my eyes would be red but I had nothing. I was clearly crying and I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it all day at work, or for the next 12 days for that matter. I was a mess.

Notes

Maybe Kieran should go shoot something? That seemed to help last time... What's it going to take to get over this huge bump in the road to forever? Maybe we'll find out ;) xoxo -Ally

just leave