Stockholm Syndrome

I find Sidney in the bedroom with a towel around his hips. I quickly rip my clothes off and pin him on the bed. I feel him get hard and I lower myself onto him, not worrying about foreplay.

“Jesus Phoenix,” he growls. I ride him and I savour this moment I had waited a week for. Five minutes later I come apart around him and I continue to ride until I feel him come inside of me. I get off of him and get dressed.

“Not bad Crosby,” I tell him.

“I’m kind of enjoying these pregnancy hormones,” he says smiling. He’s propped up on one elbow still naked and I can’t help but stare. I tear my eyes away and meet Natalia downstairs.

“What took you so long?” Natalia asks.

“I needed sex,” I reply honestly. I had promised to go shopping with Natalia if we could stop for food after.

“How are things with you and Carl?” I ask her with a mouthful of poutine.

“Really good. Like amazingly good. Like he actually listens to me and he let’s me pick where we eat and stuff. He never used to do that stuff,” she replies.

“Well that’s good. You both look really happy.”

“We are. But so do you, you’re already glowing.” Despite the morning sickness and the surge in my sex drive I didn’t feel all that different.

“I feel the same.”

“Just wait till you’re showing. You won’t be wearing tight skinny jeans and crop tops anymore,” she laughs.

“I get free hoodies and leggings from Under Armour so I’m all set.”
We finish our meal and head home.

“Do you want to find out?” I ask Sidney. I was at 20 weeks and we had to option of finding out the baby’s sex.

“I don’t know. Do you want to?” he asks.

“I already know what it is.”

“How?”

“I just know.”

“What do you think it is?”

“I know it’s a boy.”

“Then let’s go find out if you’re wrong,” he says determinedly. We’re in the car when I suddenly feel something move.

“Oh my god,” I say as a grab Sidney’s hand and put it on my stomach.

“Wow. That’s incredible,” he says while trying to keep his eyes on the road.

We went to the doctor and he put the cold gel on my rounded stomach.

“Are you guys excited to find out the sex?” he asks.

“She says it’s a boy. I hope it’s a boy but I’ll be excited either way,” Sidney responds. He finds the heartbeat and continues looking at the grey and black screen.

“Well Phoenix has a mother’s intuition. It’s a boy,” he says smiling. I was excited but I also knew the territory that would come with being Sidney Crosby’s son. The doctor cleans me up and we leave with another ultrasound picture.

We were lying in bed a few days later and he was reading about names on his laptop.

“What about Ben?” I ask.

“It’s okay I guess. What about Ryan?”

“Too common. I have this thing that when I see him, I’ll know.”

“He’s just baby Crosby for now,” Sidney says smiling.

“Do you want him to play hockey?” I ask.

“Only if he wants to. If he’s a brainiac like his mother or if he’s the next you in the halfpipe I’ll be super stoked.” I smile and rest my head on his chest.

“I can’t believe we’re going to be a family,” I say yawning.

“Crosby clan of 3,” he chuckles. He reads me the rest of his names list and I slowly fall asleep.

The next four months flew by and soon I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. I had had a relatively smooth pregnancy so far but I now felt uncomfortable in my own body. I had a large beach ball protruding from my stomach and I didn’t feel like I was glowing.

“Oh Phoenix you look fantastic!” Vero says at the game one evening.

“Thanks Vero, you’re too kind,” I say smiling.

“Just a couple more weeks right?” Carole-Lynne says smiling.

“Yeah. I’m almost there,” I laugh. I sit down and watch Sidney skate around. Natalia is in the middle of telling me a story when I wince.

“Are you okay?” she asks panicked.

“Yeah he’s just kicking. I’m pretty sure he’s going to be the next Cristiano Rinaldo,” I smile. The Penguins go to a shootout and eventually win it. I go home with Natalia and we pick up food on the way home.

“The thing is you’re still skinny, it just looks like you have a beach ball under your shirt.” She tells me.

“Maybe I do. Maybe this is all a hoax,” I laugh. We get home and I decide to have a bath. I run the water and strip off my clothes. I climb in the tub and trace the large bump that’s sticking out of the water. In a couple weeks everything would change and I would be brining another person in the world. A tiny person who would be dependent on me for everything. I thought by the end of this pregnancy I would feel more prepared but I didn’t. I was still so scared and I didn’t think anything was going to prepare me for motherhood. I see Sidney come in wearing his suit and he sits on the floor beside the tub, resting his chin on his arm, which was resting on his knee.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks me. I watch as the droplets run down my large stomach.

“How everything’s going to change. It’s never just going to be me and you anymore,” I say sadly.

“Yeah but we’re going have a person that’s half you half me and you’re going to love him so much. Probably more than me,” he says smiling.

“I didn’t have a good mom. I don’t know what a good mom is supposed to be like. What if our kid ends up resenting me like I resent my mom?”

“You know exactly what not to do. I know this all seems scary now but it won’t feel like this forever.” I stay quiet and rub my stomach. I feel baby Crosby kick as if he’s consoling me.

“I’m happy you’re my partner through this. There’s no one else I’d want by my side,” I tell him honestly.

“I feel the same about you. I love you.” He kisses me and then heads to the bedroom leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I was a week past my due date and I was miserable.

“Are you hungry?” Natalia asks at the table.

“Is that even a question? I’m always hungry.” I growl.

“Are you coming to the game tonight?” Carl asks cautiously.

“Yeah. Why? Should I not? Is there a reason you don’t want me there?”

“What, no. I was just…” he trails off.

“Ugh. You need to leave. Your time is up buddy!” I yell at my bump. Carl and Natalia stare at me like
I’m crazy so I stand up and start pacing. Sidney comes downstairs and looks at Natalia and Carl’s scared faces.

“Babe are you okay?” Sidney asks.

“What’s with all the stupid questions today?” I say irritably.

“Man I cannot wait till you have that thing,” Carl says getting up.

“Oh I’m sorry Carl. Am I being unpleasant because you can blame Crosby for knocking me up and making me this way. You guys are going to be late. Oh and please win. I don’t want to have haul my huge ass all the way to the arena for nothing.” I start pacing hoping the light exercise will induce labour.

“Oh my god, get out!” I yell to my stomach but Sidney and Carl get up quickly and leave the house. Eventually I change into a Pittsburgh Penguins hoodie and leggings and Natalia drives us to the arena.

“Still pregnant huh?” Vero says frowning.

“Still pregnant,” I say evenly. The women all tell me different ways to induce labour but I’ve already tried all the spicy foods and sex I could get.
Pittsburgh was tied 3-3 in the third when it happened. I felt the sudden gush of liquid between my legs.

“Finally,” I mutter to myself. There was one minute left in the third and the Penguins were still tied with the Blues.

“Oh my god Phoenix, your water,” Natalia gasps.

“Yeah I know,” I say casually.

“You’re in labour!” she exclaims. Everyone turns to look at me and I roll my eyes.

“I’m fine, really,” I say turning my attention back to the game. Carl scores within the final seconds and I start cheering. Everyone starts asking if I’m okay and I assure everyone I’m fine and head to the locker room. Ralph lets me in and everyone is sitting in their stalls while the coach is giving the post-game talk. Everyone stops to look at me and Mike Johnston stops talking.

“Hey guy’s good game,” I say casually. I feel my first contraction hit and I bend over and groan. “Okay that didn’t feel good.”

“Phoenix?” Sidney asks from his stall.

“So I might be in labour so if you could get dressed that’d be great.” He goes slack-jawed and everyone looks back and forth between us and I don’t know what to do. Geno pats Sidney’s back bringing him out of his trance. He changes quickly and everyone starts applauding. Geno comes and hugs me then Sidney and I leave.

“Stop speeding,” I tell him. He was definitely panicking and I knew I would have to stay calm for the both of us. We get to the hospital in record time and Sidney signs us in. I change into a hospital gown and Sidney starts pacing.

“You’re making me anxious,” I say swatting him.

“Sorry. I’m supposed to be the calm one. You’re supposed to be the neurotic one.”

“How about we both chill?” I say smiling. The doctor examines my cervix and tells me I’m about 5 centimetres dilated.
I’m bouncing on an exercise ball when Natalia and Carl come in.

“Hey!” I say smiling.

“Someone’s in a better mood,” Carl notices. Another contraction hits and I grab Sidney’s hand for support and breathe through the pain.

“How’s the pain?” Natalia asks.

“Manageable,” I tell her.

“You basically break bones for a living. Birth should be a piece of cake.” Carl says smiling.

“Are you getting an epidural?” Natalia asks.

“Nope,” I say proudly.

“Good luck,” she replies. We hung out for a few more hours until the contractions started taking over. They were harder, faster and way more intense. I felt too antsy to sit so I paced and gripped the hospital bed rail for support.

“Owwwwww,” I complain loudly.

“Can I do anything?” Sidney asks while rubbing my back.

“No, you’re good.” I was in active labour right and I feared what came next.

Five hours later I hit the transition stage. My contractions were peaking and I was yelling out in pain.

“Okay Phoenix, you’re almost there. You’re at 8 cm,” Dr. Cooper informs me. I was starting to regret my decision about not having an epidural. The contractions were coming every three minutes and lasting for about two and I started shivering uncontrollably. The transition stage lasted two hours and finally I hit the pushing stage.

“You’re doing so great baby,” Sidney tells me while pushing my hair out of my face.

“Okay Phoenix, you’re at ten centimetres.” Dr. Cooper says smiling. I get moved to the delivery room and Dr. Cooper tells me to start pushing.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I say panicked.

“Come on Phoenix you can do this. Listen to your body,” the doctor tells me. I feel the need to push so I start pushing. I feel my body straining and I feel like I want to give up.

“He’s coming Phoenix, I can see the head!” Sidney says excitedly. I continue to push until Dr. Cooper catches him. “You did it baby, you did so good. You were amazing,” Sidney says kissing me. Sidney cuts the umbilical cord and I suddenly hear crying. The nurse hands baby Crosby to me and I start sobbing.

“You’re finally here,” I say, my voice shaky. He stops crying and looks up at me and he looks just like Sidney. My heart aches just looking at him and I’ve never seen anything more perfect. The nurse hands him to Sidney and my heart breaks. I deliver the placenta and Sidney hands the baby back to me.

“So what are we going to name him?” I look down and I know exactly his name is.

“Carter. Carter Patrick Crosby.” I say softly.

“It’s perfect,” he says smiling. Carter Patrick Crosby was 7 pounds 2 ounces and born at 5:57 a.m. on November 17, 2015. Carter closes his eyes and the rest of the world fades out. All that matters is my little family. I’m back in my room when I hear a knock on the door. I look up and see Natalia and Carl come in with balloons and a teddy bear.

“Oh my gosh! Look at him,” Natalia says welling up. I reluctantly hand my little bundle of joy to her but I smile when I see them together.

“What’s his name?” Carl asks hugging me.

“Carter,” I reply smiling.

“Carter Crosby. Nice,” he says smiling. Carl holds his nephew and I suddenly feel exhausted.

“We should probably go and let Phoenix get some rest,” Natalia says, noticing my heavy eyelids. Carl hands Carter to me and then they leave. Carter is sleeping but I don’t want to let him go.

“Nix you really should rest. You’re supposed sleep when he does,” Sidney tells me. I hand Carter to Sidney and close my eyes.

“Okay but only for a little while,” I say giving in.

Notes

It was a condensed pregnancy I know but I was excited for Carter to enter the world.