God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine - David Nicholas
I felt like I hadn't slept in days. I felt achy, I kept trying to eat but I was having a hard time keeping food down. I kept getting sick. But I knew why, and there was only one person I wanted to talk to. Hoping that he would be able to talk me out of my funk. To listen to me and tell me what to do next. But he was the person I couldn’t talk to. He was the last one I could talk to.

I had sent an e-mail to the school's principal telling her that I wouldn't be able to come for a little while. Personal matter. She was understanding.

I was just feeling very empty. I didn't know what to do anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to watch any hockey games in case they mentioned the Stars or him personally. I deleted my NHL App. Ripped up the few sets of tickets he had given me. I threw away the parking pass that was in my car. Tried to rid myself of everything that I could to erase him from me. I stored the earring he had gotten for me in the sock drawer in the guestroom. The book he had given me was stashed away as well.

I didn't want to look at any of it. It all reminded me of him. I didn't want to be reminded of him. I got rid of all of the photos from my phone of us or of me and the other guys. But...I stored them on Kyle's laptop. I couldn't bring myself to permanently delete them. I knew at some point I would need to see the photos. To make sure what we had was real, and that I hadn’t imagined meeting someone who was perfect for me. That I hadn't imagined falling in love with someone as hard as I did.

It was real and it had happened. But I was in some fog induced state of being. Not feeling like I was actually living right then. I had cried so much that I physically couldn’t make myself cry anymore. I just sat there looking straight in front of me. It was to the point I was giving robotic responses. I hardly looked people in the eye when I replied to them; it felt like I was looking through them instead of at them.

I was scared because I didn't know what was going on. But I also felt like I didn't care all at the same time. There were so man emotions I wanted to feel but I was just feeling empty. Like I had felt every emotion I could, and there wasn't anything left to feel. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn't know how to tell people, or to ask for help. I just wanted my life back. I wanted to feel the same way I felt two week prior at the Christmas party. Or a month prior when I decided I was falling in love with him. I couldn't go back to that, obviously. But God...I wanted to.

The guys had been relentless in trying to contact me via my friends. They sent me Facebook message, Twitter DMs, Snapchats, Instagram messages. Everything. I knew I had to block them but I literally couldn’t find the energy to do it. I was just tired. Zoe had finally just blocked all of their phone numbers after they kept calling and messaging her. She blocked them for me, too. I wanted to talk to them just to tell them that it was enough. But I knew if I talked to them, then that'd be it. I'd be right back where we were before. Either I forgive them the second I heard their voices, or I would start this circle again of pure misery.

So I sat...for days I sat at Zoe and Kyle's house. Being sad. And hurt. And angry. And anxious. After a week I finally went back to work. It was for those hours at the school when I felt semi-okay again. When I was with the kids, or with Zoe having lunch I was okay.

After a month and a half I finally managed to get back on a regular sleeping schedule. I managed to watch a hockey game. I managed to not break down in heavy sobs when his face passed through my head, which was still happening often if I was going to be honest.

Two months after New Year’s I moved into my new apartment. It was closer to work which was a nice bonus. I really liked it there. I was hoping I wouldn't have to leave it again for some reason. Me and my friends had gotten all of my stuff out of storage and moved it in there and they helped me set everything up.

Staying by me again was hard. I had gone from being with him and the team all of the time, then being with Zoe and Kyle...then to nothing. That had taken its toll on me. But, I started going back to my spin classes and the gym, I started eating healthy again, and getting myself into a new mind frame. That frame of mind just included not thinking about him or the others. It's hard not to when you can go out onto the balcony and almost see the place that they play in.

As okay as I was feeling on the outside...my heart was still shattered inside of me. I still felt like I couldn’t breathe someday. Some moments of the day I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I knew I was missing birthdays and shit like that, things I would have gotten in touch with some of them about...but there was no way I could do that.

And part of me felt like I was coward. I knew running was a dumb thing to do, after I had processed it. The common sense part of my mind was telling me that I didn't need to run away like that, that I could have gotten to the bottom of things, and maybe worked things out with him. But my emotional side...the side that was the biggest part of me was telling me that I was right.

I had two things telling me two different things and it was frustrating because I knew that I still wanted to talk to him, but I knew I couldn't. It had been months but I still couldn’t face them to talk to them. And that was cowardly. But when your head and your heart are telling you things that are both right you don't know which one to do, you don't know which path to follow. And it fucking sucks. And it hurts. And the only person you want to talk to...the only person who would help you understand is the only that made you feel like this! How do you survive? People go through a lot more terrible shit than this...but this was my personal hell to deal with. No one else’s.

But I kept living; there was never a doubt in my mind that that's what I was going to do. That was the only option for me. Because the sun was always going to shine, another day was always going to come. Every day wasn't going to be great, but for me, every day was a new beginning of being myself again. Every day was a new chance to see the world again.

And I knew...I knew it would take a while. Some days were a lot harder than others. But I had to keep living. Even if my heart was still hurting and broken. Even if my throat tingled every time I thought of him. Even if some nights my dreams were filled of that night on New Year's on repeat, with me waking up with cold sweat all over me, and laying alone shaking. I had to keep living.

I just had to.

Notes

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