There are dead stars that still shine because their light is trapped in time. Where do I stand in this light, which does not strictly exist? - Don DeLillo


The end of March came and Zoe, Kyle, Sherrie, Toby and I went out to celebrate Kyle's birthday at a restaurant in downtown Dallas. It had been a really good night, and we went back to their house for some drinks and to hang around a bit more.

We were at their house, each of us with a bottle of beer in hand as we sat around the living room talking and laughing and swapping stories. It had been a good night for me, having not thought about him and them. I was happy to just be in the company of all of my friends and celebrating.

"Alright guys," Kyle said standing up, and going in front of all of us, in front of the TV, "I just wanna say something quickly."

We all focused on him as he smiled at us, "So, I just wanna thank y'all for coming and celebrating my birthday! I couldn’t think of spending the day with anyone else but you weirdo’s," he said making us laugh, "And this day...well, it's been great, don't get me wrong! But...it hasn't exactly been everything I've been hoping for."

I titled my head and looked up at him, he was insulting us a little bit I thought with a chuckle. I couldn’t put my finger on what he was doing exactly.

"Now, if you're wondering what would have made it perfect, I'll tell you," he said with a smile, he stepped in front of Zoe and got down on one knee quickly making all of us gasp, "Zoe, I love you more than words could ever describe, and it would make my birthday perfect if you would say yes to marrying me," he said as he pulled out a ring box from his jeans pocket and opened it, revealing a beautiful single diamond on a white gold band.

I covered my mouth and looked at Zoe, getting teary eyed as I watched her with tears falling down her face. She was smiling as she told him yes, and they were hugging and kissing and Sherrie and Toby for clapping and cheering for them.

And I was sitting there, with my mouth covered and tears falling down my face. Feeling empty. He should have been sitting next to me, and we should have been cheering for them too, rather than me being alone and crying at the thought of my best friends getting married.

Zoe turned to us and smiled and I uncovered my mouth and plastered a big smile to my face, hoping that I had recovered from whatever look had probably been on my face just seconds before.

Zoe came over to me and I stood up to hug her tightly, "Congratulations, Zo!" I told her.

She squeezed me, "Thank-you, darlin," she said as she pulled away and looked at me, "Are you okay?" she whispered.

I smiled and nodded, "Of course, I'm so happy for you!"

"But are you okay?" she asked me, worriedly.

I bit my lip and shrugged lightly, "Don't worry about that right now, okay? This is for you!"

She still looked at me concerned, but I shook my head, she smiled at me once and then went to hug Toby and Sherrie.

I watched as she showed off her ring to them, and then Kyle came to me and hugged me tightly as I congratulated him too, but I was only half paying attention to it.

I was happy...ecstatic for them in all honesty. But it was in that moment that I really realized that I was alone. In a room with four of my best friends I was the lone wolf. I reminded myself that way back when in that karaoke bar I was the lone wolf with these two couples...but at that point I hadn't met him...I hadn't fallen for him harder than I had ever fallen for anyone.

I looked at the happy group next to me and spoke quickly, "I'll be right back," I said before leaving the room quickly and going to the washroom. I locked the door behind me and sat on the floor and just started sobbing. I missed him and I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to be there with me to see them get engaged; I wanted to be there when he got back from his games and spend his off days with him. But I couldn't. I couldn't be with him. He had ruined it a long time ago.

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, laying my head in my knees. My body couldn't stop shaking. I felt like I was going to vomit because of how hard it was all hitting me. I was trying to catch my breath but I just couldn't. I missed him. I missed him. I missed him. I missed him.

Soft knocks were suddenly at the door, and I knew I couldn't hide what was going on. I couldn’t stop myself long enough to try and get myself together to answer the door like a normal human.

"Yeah?" I asked through a sob.

"It's me," I heard Kyle say through the door.

I unlocked the door and scooted forward so he could come in the room. He opened the door just slightly and slipped in, locking it back up behind him. He sat on the floor next to me and put an arm around me.

"I'm sorry," he breathed.

I shook my head, "You don't need to be," I cried, wiping at my eyes, trying to get myself to stop.

He rubbed my shoulder, "If I would have even had a thought you would have reacted like this...I wouldn't have made you sit through it, you know that right?" he asked me.

I nodded, "Yeah," I told him through a small sob, having him in there with me was slowly starting to calm me down, "I know, Kyle, really."

He sighed, "You haven’t talked to him at all?"

I shook my head, "No. None of them," I said wiping my eyes and getting my breathing in check, "I can't, Kyle. But I don't know what to do," I said as my emotions began to bubble up again.

"You can't let it define you," he told me soothingly, "I know it was hard for you, we all saw firsthand what it did to you, Josie. But you're such an amazing person, Jos. And we all love you so much. We will help you with anything you need, you know that. But you're going to be okay, I can promise you that. And if you ever need to talk to someone you can come to any of us, me included obviously.

"You know I thought he was a great guy, up until that all came out. I mean...I can't judge too much...you know," he said, looking down awkwardly.

I breathed in and nodded. When Kyle and Zoe first got together, Kyle was in a relationship with this other girl name April. He and Zoe hooked up while he was still with April and he ended up dumping her and getting together with Zoe.

"I just didn't want to be lied to...we weren't together so it's not that he cheated either...but we had something....right?" I asked, looking up at Kyle.

He nodded and looked down at me, "Yeah, you guys really did, Jos. Something real special. You still do, or else you wouldn't react so...emotionally to little things. You still love him, and that's okay, Josie! You can't just turn it on and off like a light! But you gotta remember that we're here for you! No matter what! I'm gonna support you at the end of the day no matter what you decide to do! You need to be happy, Josie! That's what we care about!"

"I don't know what I want," I told him honestly, "I want to talk to him and be with him...but I know if I saw him I'd want to kill him or something. I know me, and I know the second I see him I'd just need to get the rest of my anger out."

"That's okay," he told me instantly, "We don't expect you to do anything you don't wanna do."

"But I don't know what I wanna do," I told him weakly, "I don't know what I should do. I want to talk to him. But I can't. I can't bring myself to do that. And it's fucking shitty because I know he's the one that would be able to tell me what to do!"

"Can I give you my opinion?" Kyle asked me.

I nodded, "Please."

"I think that you need sometime for yourself. I don't think, personally, it's a good idea to talk to him just yet. Because I know you, Josie, and I know if you talked to him now or in the near future or probably just if you ever do talk to him again, you'll yell at him, no matter what. Because there's still so much unsaid from you now that you've had time to process.

"I think you need to focus on yourself for a while, treat yourself to something. Make yourself happy for a second, you know?"

"Yeah," I agreed quietly, "We should get back out there, though," I told him sniffling and dabbing under my eyes, "I don't want Zoe thinking I'm mad at her or something," I said as I started standing up.

"Zoe would understand this," Kyle said, standing up too.

I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped at my under eyes trying not to make it look as horrendous, and I felt very thankful that I wore waterproof mascara so it wasn't running under my eyes currently.

"I know," I sighed, unlocking the door, "I just...I don't know, I hate that there's a 'this' they have to understand," I said sadly before leaving the room.

I followed Kyle back to the living room and I saw the rest of them looking at me with sympathetic faces and small smiles. I refused to linger on it. I wasn't going to make this isn't a pity party for me when this was a happy time for everyone. Especially Zoe and Kyle. I smiled and walked to the coffee table and picked up my beer bottle and lifted it up, seeing the others doing the same as their smiles became bigger.

"To Zoe and Kyle," I started looking at the two of them, "I'm so happy for you two. You guys are the definition of soul mates and happiness. And I'm honoured to be able to see a love like yours. Congratulations!"

There was a cheer amongst the group and we all took a drink from our bottles. And I watched Sherrie taking a photo of Zoe and Kyle with her hand outstretched showing off her ring for the photo. And I saw their love and it made me so happy for them in that moment. But I couldn't get over the emptiness. I couldn't get over the feeling of not having that anymore, of having someone look at me like that.

I was so alone.

Notes

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