of course I feel too much, I'm a universe of exploding stars - s. anja


My heart was absolutely racing. The Stars had brought game 7 back to Home Ice against the St. Louis Blues. But...I was sitting as far back in my couch as I possibly could, cringing as I watched them play. I had no idea what was going on out on that ice, but they weren't playing as well as they could have, unfortunately. Eaves had gotten the lone goal so far but the Blue had just picked up another one making the score 6-1 in the third. There was no coming back from it. As the final seconds dwindled away, you could see the defeat on the boys as they continued to fight their hardest. But once that final buzzer went off I felt my heart break for them. For him, especially, knowing what he was probably going through.

This had been the first game of theirs I had watched since everything had happened. But God knows I had been keeping up on what was happening.

I wanted to talk to him more than ever at that moment. I wanted to call him and tell him I was sorry, to tell him that I was still cheering in his corner even though I hated him right then. I wanted to tell him to keep his head up no matter what. But I didn't. Because I was coward. I was too afraid to talk to him...to any of them. For Christ sakes...I didn't even have the balls to talk to Tyler when he was injured in April.

They showed the celebration in the locker room for the Blues before going to the Dallas locker room for some interviews. They talked to Coach, then to Kari, then Antti, Eaves...and then him finally.

I felt like I was holding my breath as I watched him, not even really hearing what he was saying. He looked remarkably sad and defeated as he spoke, hardly looking up at the camera. Once he was done and it went back to the reporters, I turned the TV off.

My phone rang and I saw Eric's name flash across the screen, I breathed in deeply as I answered it.

"Hey," I said casually.

"Did you watch it?" he asked me.

I snorted, "I guess I'm pretty predicable," I said with a small laugh.

He chuckled, "It wouldn't be you if you weren't."

I sighed lightly, "Yeah, I watched. I feel bad for them."

"Are you gonna call them?" he asked me.

I shook my head, "No," I said with a hint of finality to me answer.

"Josie," he drawled.

"No, Eric, I'm not calling any of them. That's the whole point. I can't talk to any of them because I'm still so hurt not just by him, but by all of them."

"I know," he said hurriedly, "But...you loved the guy, Josie. And I think you leaving broke his heart too."

My heart ached as he said that, "Whatever," I said lowly, "That's nothing compared to how I felt. I was the one that was blindsided, Eric, not him."

"I'm not saying that you weren't," he defended, "I'm not saying that you're wrong in how you're feeling. I'm saying that...I'm saying that he loved you too, I think. And you leaving and full on moving from your apartment broke his heart too, probably. And then this loss...hell yeah that probably broke his heart too. So he's had it done twice now."

"So what?" I asked, "Does that make it worse for him than it is for me? Because he's out of the Cup running and because I don't talk to him makes all of what happened worse for him?

"Eric, he lied to me for months. Spent time with me. Made me open up to him about everything...about Mom's birthday...made me fall in love with him. While he was talking to some girl on the side? Which, again, I don't care about how long people didn't talk to each other. It's the principle of the thing. The fact that he went months and didn't say anything to me makes me not trust him. Makes me not trust the other guys."

"I didn't say that!" Eric said, getting louder.

"But you implied that, Eric! You're my brother! Why are you taking his side?"

"I'm not!" he yelled, frustrated, "But I think that Jamie was really good for you, Josie! I hadn't seen you that happy in a long, long time. Even before David! Any time we talked you seemed happier than I had ever heard you!"

"Don't say his name!" I said as tears began pooling in my eyes, "Please. Please don't say it."

One step forward. A thousand steps back.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I-I'm...Jesus, I'm so sorry Josie," he told me.

"It's okay," I said taking a deep breath, "I'm sorry Eric," I said wiping the tears under my eyes.

"No, I'm the sorry one, Josie...I shouldn't have pushed it. It just...makes me sad hearing you sad and I know that you'd be happy with him," he explained.

"I appreciate that," I told him, "I just can't right now."

"I know," he said softly.

I took a deep breath, "I've been getting better, though, I think."

"Oh yeah?" he asked with a smile in his voice.

I smiled a little, "I like to think so. I miss them...him...a lot. I just...can't. I'm doing okay right now, and I don't know what it would do to me to go and hang out with them and shit like that."

"I get it," he whispered, "I'm sorry for bringing it up...I just feel bad because you feel terrible, and I can't be there to help you. I know you love him, Josie. And I hate hearing how sad you sound. I want you to be happy, but I don't know what to do to make you feel better."

"I'll be okay," I told him, staring at the blank TV screen, "everything will be okay."

"I know," he said with a soft laugh, which made tears well up in my eyes again, "you're tough, JoJo. Tougher than me, for sure. You'll pull through this."

I squeezed my eyes shut, "Thank-you," I said in barely a whisper.

"I love you, Josie," he told me.

My eyes were still shut and the tears were rolling down my face, "I love you too, Eric."

And then we hung with each other and I curled up on my couch with the TV off and no other sounds except for the heavy sobs coming from me. This heavy pain had to let up sometime. Right?

Notes

Sorry for the wait! Please let me know what you think!!