AUTUMN LEAVES

Please don't fall apart
I can't face your breaking heart
I'm trying to be brave
Stop asking me to stay

I can't love you in the dark
It feels like we're oceans apart
There is so much space between us
Maybe we're already defeated
Ah yeah everything changed me

~Four months later~

Autumn waited anxiously at her beachfront porch. She paced and then sat on the blue Adirondack only to start pacing again.

“Lizzie! Is she here yet?” Shona yelled from inside the house.

“Not yet, should be here soon though!” Autumn yelled back. “And would you stop calling me that,” she mumbled to herself. Autumn chuckled as she spotted the silhouette of a woman in a yellow flowy dress and a hat that could easily eclipse the sun. Her visitor clumsily juggled her luggage and handbag, all the while trying to secure that hat against the wind; Autumn couldn’t wait any longer. She skipped down the front steps and ran towards her sister.

When Tiffany spotted Autumn, she dropped everything to hold her baby sister for the first time in months. “Oh Auttie, I missed you too,” Tiffany whispered, hugging her tightly.

Autumn wiped her cheeks and smiled brightly at Tiffany. “That hat is hideous,” she said as the two walked towards the house. Tiffany smirked, took her hat off, and placed it on her sister’s head. “Well, that hippy hair is hideous too,” Tiffany laughed as she adjusted the hat over the few cornrows that Autumn had. “And somehow my hideous hat looks better on you.”

“My hideous hair makes the whole difference,” Autumn winked. Tiffany hugged her sister once again, only this time, it was her turn to cry. Autumn stopped at the front door and turned to face her sister.

“I’m sorry, Tiff. Please, forgive me. I couldn’t but I should have spoken to you earlier. I just…” Autumn said as she looked at her feet.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Auttie. It’s just that we’ve never been apart for this long and I missed you. And despite knowing that you weren’t alone, I was worried about you. I’m your big sister, I’m supposed to take care of you, and you’re supposed to let me,” Tiffany said.

“I won’t let this happen again, I promise. It has always been us against the world, and it’s gonna stay this way, always, no matter where life takes me,” Autumn said.

Nodding, Tiffany said, “okay sweetie. For now though, you’ve got a lot to make up for, starting with that 15-hour trip I had to go through!”

A proper Hawaiian welcome and a few Mai Tais later, Tiffany was well rested.

“The pineapple that Autumn wouldn’t shut up about did not disappoint. Dinner was delicious, too. Thank you, Shona,” Tiffany said politely.

“It’s my pleasure, sweetie. I will let you two young ladies catch up. An old gal like me needs her beauty sleep.”

Autumn rolled her eyes, “you’re not that old.”

Once Shona was inside the house, Tiffany turned towards Autumn with a drink in hand. “I don’t remember her having that many tattoos.”

Autumn shrugged as she took a sip of her drink. Tiffany’s eyes widened, “oh my god, you got a tattoo, didn’t you? Show me!”

Autumn exposed the tattoo that was partially covered by her t-shirt. Tiffany inspected the black and teal dreamcatcher at the nape of Autumn’s neck. “It’s beautiful, I have to admit. I never thought I would approve of you getting inked, but look at how intricate the details are, wow,” she said in awe. “A new life for real, huh? What about your practice?”

“I’ve been working at the local clinic for a month now. It’s not so bad, not too busy, you know. Unlike back home, people here would not go to the doctor unless there’s a real life-threatening problem,” Autumn said.

“Do you see yourself doing this for the rest of your career though?” Tiffany asked with a frown.

“Why not? It’s the least stressful job I’ve ever had. Besides, it’s a five-minute walk from home,” Autumn shrugged.

“Home,” Tiffany whispered and shook her head.

“Tiff, listen –”

“No Auttie, you listen to me. I get it, what happened back home was awful, traumatizing even. You went through a lot, I know that,” Tiffany said as she squeezed Autumn’s arm. “But Pittsburgh is your home. You can’t hide out here forever.”

Spacing out, Autumn did not reply. She placed her elbows on the table and ran her fingers through the few cornrows that her sister hated. “I have been following the news, but there isn’t much being said. People seemed to have forgotten all about the incident. Did you um… is there any news about….”

Tiffany’s heart broke for her sister. She knew what Autumn was having a hard time asking. She’s been waiting to see how long it would take her to ask about him.

“Last I heard, he was home in Canada with his family, still recovering I guess. Although, if you ask me, it’s been long enough for him to fully heal, especially with someone in his shape,” Tiffany said. The mood shifted dramatically, but Tiffany knew that they had to have this conversation eventually.

“Have you seen him?” Autumn asked with a small voice while looking at her hands.

“No. The last time I saw him was when he was still unconscious at the hospital.”

“Did he …” Autumn stopped talking, her gaze glued to the ocean tides.

“Call me? Ask me about you? No, he did none of those things.”

“He must be mad at me. I just hope that one day he will see that he’s better off without me in his life. He’s probably over it already, who knows,” Autumn said as she wiped her eyes.

“Do you want him to be over you? Is that what you really want?”

“What I want doesn’t really matter. There was no way that we could have worked,” Autumn said sadly.

“Do you really believe that?” Tiffany asked with a tilt of her head. “Because what I’m looking at now, Auttie, is a woman full of regrets.”

*****

Legs dangling over the dock, Sidney tapped the half-frozen lake with his long fishing rod. A few days separated the Pens from the first round of the playoffs, and instead of being back in Pittsburgh, their captain sat outside in the cold for yet another day, pretending to fish from a lifeless lake.

The wind burned his face, but Sidney preferred the unforgiving cold to having another argument with his family. Arguments ranged from topics of his “inactive state” as his father phrased it, to why he’s not skating despite being cleared, to “throwing his life away because of her.”

Sidney could feel the wood creaking beneath him. He glanced in the direction of the offending sound and prayed it would not be his mother begging him, once again, to go back inside. The blood drained from his face at the figure standing mere feet away from him. It was the person he least expected.

“Your mother said you’d be here.”

Sidney gulped and blinked a few times as his visitor sat beside him.

“Seems you were expecting someone else. My guess would be a tall blonde?” Mario said as he clasped his hands and took in his surroundings.

Words eluded Sidney. He stared straight ahead while rubbing his legs nervously. After a moment of heavy silence, Sidney turned towards Mario when he heard his loud sigh.

“You’ve been cleared to skate, so why haven’t you?” Mario asked, his tone was serious, but calm.

Sidney looked at his hands. “I’m not ready yet,” he answered quietly.

“When do you think you’ll be?” Mario asked monotonously.

“I…I don’t know,” Sidney mumbled, still avoiding Mario’s gaze.

Mario sighed again. “I’m not here to talk about hockey,” he said, and Sidney did not miss the distant look on his mentor’s face. “Your mother called me. She’s that worried about you.”

Displeased with his mother, Sidney clenched his jaw and mumbled under his breath.

“Initially, I thought Trina was meddling to rectify the… well.. you know. But then she mentioned that in the four weeks you’ve been cleared, you haven’t laced up your skates, not even once. It made me realize how bad the situation has gotten for you,” Mario said with a frown.

“Why are you here?” Sidney asked, and this time, it was his turn to speak dryly.

Ignoring Sidney’s question, Mario spoke, “I had no idea how much you loved her.” Sidney’s eyes widened at Mario’s admission. He was bracing himself for Mario’s wrath – not this.

Rubbing his hands together, Mario continued. “I spent the last few months thinking, trying to understand how you were able to do what you did to me. And every single time, my thoughts will lead me to the same conclusion. You were willing to die for her because you loved her that much. When you’re willing to die for someone, when you do such an irrational thing and go against your survival instinct to protect her, it shouldn’t really shock me that you were ready to do other irrational things like betraying me and losing your integrity to be with her.”

Sidney’s eyes stayed on Mario as he spoke, surprised by all the emotions in his voice. He did not expect their first conversation in months to go in that directions. So, he sat there and listened intently.

“To be honest, you were the last person I would expect to do such thing, Sidney. That’s what shocked me most. But I guess love makes the most honest man do crazy, irrational things, like marrying a women who’s 15 years younger and expect her to love him.”

“I’m sorry,” Sidney whispered and turned away to hide his unshed tears.

“I thought I knew you well. But you know what? I couldn’t have been more wrong,” Mario said something that finally started to make sense to Sidney. What did not make sense was the small smile he gave him right before speaking again.

“You’re the most determined and persistent person I know, Sidney. Or so I had thought,” Mario said and Sidney frowned in confusion.

“After everything you’ve done behind my back, things I know you do regret, and all the pain you’ve gone through for her, you just simply let her go and did nothing about it. I never took you for a someone who would give up that easily. I did not expect that from you.”

Sidney raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth and closed a few times as he stared back at Mario.

“What…what are you saying? I shouldn’t have let Autumn go? You’re supposed to be mad at me. What I’ve done wasn’t right,” Sidney finally verbalized the turmoil inside his head.

“No, it wasn’t right and it should have never happened because she was my wife,” Mario said with sadness. “I was mad at you, livid with how you betrayed me when I trusted you more than anyone else around me. But now what? Is punishing yourself the solution here? This pity party you’ve been having for months now has to end. Because let me break it to you, not playing hockey and not pursuing a woman you think will make you happy, will never change the fact that you betrayed me. And I’m not saying this to be resentful, believe me. On the contrary, I think it’s time that you let go of your regrets.”

“Let go? And do what? Go back to your team like nothing has happened?” Sidney asked outraged by how chill Mario was about the whole thing.

“I wasn’t talking about our team, Sid,” Mario said as he stood up and dusted his pants. “Things between you and me may never be the same again, no matter how hard we both try. But you need to know that I don’t care if you want to be with her. It’s not my call, not anymore. Here,” Mario stretched his hand to help Sidney up like he’s done so many times in the past. Sidney straightened up but kept his eyes on the lake as he stood in front of his mentor of 12 years.

“Last week, her lawyer sent me the final divorce papers signed and finalized,” Mario said as produced a small piece of paper from his coat. Sidney’s eyes snapped towards the white paper that Mario held up for him. “Here, that’s her address in Hawaii. She’s living there now apparently.”

Mario tilted his head when Sidney made no effort to grab Autumn’s address. Instead, Sidney’s eyes were fixated on it, his fingers were tingling to reach for it, but didn’t.

“Do you remember right after Nathalie and I got divorced, I told you that people like you and me – people who dedicated their life to the game – can never have it all? I have to admit that I was wrong. Life is too short to put everything that is not hockey on pause. In a blink of an eye, you could lose everything. You should know that by now,” Mario said. He placed Autumn’s address in Sidney’s chest pocket, patted his shoulder once and walked away.

It took Sidney a few moments to digest what Mario had just done. He turned around and watched his second father walk through his backyard towards the house. Before opening the door, Mario turned, “and Andy is waiting impatiently to start on your conditioning. The team needs their captain, now more than ever.” And with a small smile and a wave, Mario disappeared, leaving Sidney standing on his dock feeling so incredibly small.

His mentor, who he betrayed so selfishly, practically forgave him, gave him his blessing to pursue Autumn, provided her address even, and asked him to rejoin the team. Sidney has regretted hurting Mario, he’s been regretting it every single day since Autumn left. But it wasn’t until that moment when he held her address between his fingers, that he was overwhelmed by regret, by the “only if I could take it all back, I would” feeling.

It was then that Sidney understood Autumn’s biggest fear. She was scared that he’d regret it all, that he won’t be able to do that to Mario. She was right. How can he pursue her after all this? He was undeserving of Mario and of his forgiveness. He should have chosen Mario, not Autumn, not hockey, but the man who was always there for him, the man who still cared about his happiness when he should have hated him, the true father who was always ready to forgive his son’s mistakes and give him another chance. Autumn was right. He would have regretted choosing her. No matter how much he loved her, they could have never happened,

Even if Autumn had stayed, that moment, that realization on his dock would have still happened. He would have ended their relationship if she hadn’t. They could have never happened.

So, Sidney flipped the small paper between his fingers over and over again. He held it above the lake then brought it back close to his eyes. Lahaina, it said. She must be happy, it was her happy place after all. As his tears trickled down his cold cheeks, Sidney did exactly what Mario did not expect him to do. He watched the last thread of Autumn’s existence land on a floating piece of ice. He let go.

We're not the only ones
I don't regret a thing
Every word I've said
You know I'll always mean
It is the world to me
That you are in my life
But I want to live
And not just survive

Notes