Captive

“You’ve waited too long for the perfect person. I’m not him, Mia.”

The Ice Bucket Challenge had nothing on how I felt in the moment these words left Crosby’s lips.

“Why not? I want you to be,” I said, my words trembling.

“That’s the problem,” he said with a detached voice.

“What’s the problem? I don’t understand.”

“Mia, I... I don’t know what you think this is,” he said. He turned to face me, his features were pained. “I don’t know what I’m doing. This, us, is just, I don’t know – it was circumstantial.”

“Circumstantial? What the fuck are you... what?”

My heart dropped. I fell against the headboard. My whole body went numb and my throat closed up. He must have misunderstood. He couldn’t be talking about us like that, like a consequence of bad circumstances, like an unwanted child of a one-night stand.

“When we were in prison, we were both scared and needed each other,” he continued with his lame explanation, much to my outrage.

Counting to five, breathing in and out – all failed to calm me. I was on my feet facing him.

“We’re no longer in prison, Sidney! So why the fuck did you come here?”

“I guess I… missed you,” he said weakly.

“You missed me? You missed me.” I laughed until tears stung my eyes.

“I had gotten used to seeing you every minute of every day. It’s …”

“So, let me get this straight,” I said, wiping at my eyes. “You’re here because you want to sleep with me?” I started pacing frantically, not waiting for him to answer. My whole body vibrated with anger.

“Was it just sex for you?! I want you in my bed every night? Is that what you meant?”

“I... Mia, I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t know what... Jesus, I can’t... I’m lost… I -”

“So now you can’t find words? Tell me one thing, would you have done the same thing if you were stuck with someone else?”

“I don’t know! That’s the thing. I’m dealing with so much. I don’t know what I’m doing, Mia! I just know that I can’t deal with a relationship right now, or whatever you thought this was going to be,” he said and swallowed hard.

The first truly honest words coming out of his mouth took my anger and moulded it into sadness, utter sadness. Was that what heartbreak felt like?

“I’m lost and confused,” he pathetically added.

“About your feelings?” my voice was no longer angry. I could barely breathe words out.

“Yeah, I... I guess. I don’t want us to jump into something and –”

“Then why the fuck did you come?” I seethed. Anger was back.

He stared back at me, his Adam’s apple bobbing but no words came out.

I huffed, “You don’t even have the balls to admit that all you ever wanted from me was a nurse and warm body at night.”

“Mia, no! I care about you, you know that.”

“Do you really?”

“I... it’s just... I think... I’m addicted to you and it scares the shit out of me!”

“Addicted! Oh my God. I cannot believe you!”

My anger was reaching a whole new level. I didn’t care if my parents heard at this point, or the whole neighbourhood for that matter.

“Addicted. Addicted? Really? Is that all?”

I started pacing in front of his motionless form; it was more like running in small circles. I was breathing heavily. “What are you doing in my house, cozying up to my family? Explain it to me!”

“I wanted to see you. I don’t’ know how I feel or what I want,” he said then winced at his own words.

“Yeah, you’re lost and confused. I got that!”

“Mia,” he reached for my shoulder and I flinched. “Mia, we’re like back from the dead. You must feel the same way.”

And there it was. He was talking about feelings.

“That’s the difference between us then,” I said, hating how choked up I sounded. “Unlike you, I know exactly how I feel and what I want. But I’m glad we cleared that up.“

He sat on the bed and covered his face. “I’m sure that deep down, you know that I’m right. Mia, look, you can’t be seriously thinking about an ‘us’ with everything going on right now.”

I wanted to shake him and yell that he was all I was thinking about, that despite all the mess that was my life, he was the only thing on my mind. But it was a pathetic confession that I would never share with him.

“What do want me to say, huh? You don’t feel the same way about me, that’s all there is to it really. Because if you did, you would know it, you wouldn’t be ‘confused’ about it.”

I paused to gather myself. “Listen, it’s fine really, no hard feelings, at least you’re being honest,” I said monotonously, my military persona making an appearance. I put my pants on and buttoned my shirt while he remained hunched over, his arms on his knees and his face in his palms.

“I’m sorry, Mia,” he said with a low voice. “Hurting you is the last thing I want,” he added as he slowly removed his hands and revealed his tear-stained face.

In the midst of it all, I failed to notice that he’s been crying. His pain had always cast a spell on me, turning an emotional switch deep within me, at an almost instinctive level. That fact aggravated me. It wasn’t like my face was dry – and it was because of him.

“You can leave now,” I said, my voice raw. I turned my back to him, desperate for my body and brain to ignore his sadness. I hugged myself and looked outside my window, refusing for him to see how broken I felt.

I heard him shuffle around the room. His sniffles masked the clinking of his belt and stabbed at my heart. The curtain was open wide enough for me to see his reflection on the glass as he stood at my door, a hand on the knob and eyes on me.

“Next time you have a problem with this said addiction, don’t come knocking at my door.”

He remained planted in the same spot for a few agonizing seconds. When I heard the lock, I closed my eyes, triggering the flood of unshed tears. I couldn’t take the sight of him leaving. I felt so weak and hated myself for it.

I always envisioned that a relationship with Sidney Crosby would be almost impossible. I was prepared for him saying something like “we come from two very different worlds,” or “a long distance relationship would not work.”

What he said instead was worse, much worse. I never prepared my heart for the blow of Crosby not loving me the way I loved him. I was almost sure he did, and like a fool, it gave me hope that our love would overcome all barriers.

But at the end of the day, I was nothing more than a bad habit that he dropped at the first sign of long-term damage. At least addicts hesitated before giving up cigarettes.

One second he was promising me the Gardens of Eden and the next he was cutting through my heart and watching as I bled. I was ready to give him everything. I was ready to jump over the cliff of my fears and insecurities to be with him.

What started as a strange Hello, ended with a familiar Goodbye.

Girl loves boy.

Boy thinks with his dick.

Notes