Day fourteen came and went like any other day. I spent it laying around the house with Serena reading about her kumquat sized fetus and painting my toenails. It was another optional skate day and I'd chosen the not get dressed option. While things were settling into a sort of routine at the rink, I was trying to make my self scarce in anyway I could, if Larry or any of my co-workers had noticed they hadn't said anything. I knew I was eventually going to need to return to my previous level of involvement, but at two weeks post breakup I wasn't ready to pretend everything was fine. As Max continued to remind me in our regular text messages, things would feel normal again, eventually. In the week following our coital adventure, I'd come to rely on Max's cheerful and encouraging daily messages like a former addict relies on methadone. I needed his guiding words and relentless compassion to keep me going. We quickly established that there was nothing romantic between us. Our hotel romp had been just that, a romp. A lively, playful one night stand that would be remembered with affection and never repeated. I didn't regret it and refused to let myself feel guilty about it all, in fact the more time that passed without word from Sidney, the better I felt about it.

"Would you be hurt if he slept with another girl right now?" Serena asked doing a second coat of red on her big toe.
"Maybe a little," I admitted, dipping my brush back in the bottle of purple. "But I don't think I have the right to be upset, I broke up with him. Why, is there something Geno isn't telling me?" I looked at her with raised eyebrows, holding my breath.
"No," she laughed and I let the air slowly seep out of my mouth. "We'd tell you if anything like that happened."
"I don't really want to think about him with anyone else, mostly because I'm selfish. I mean I don't want him to be miserable or unhappy, quite the opposite, but I want his body for myself," I carefully covered my naked toenail in purple pigment.
"I get that, it is a nice body," she winked.
"Ugh, I know," I groaned. "I can't even ignore it because he walks around the rink shirtless. I swear he's purposely trying to punish me."
"What an ass, taking his shirt off in a changing room, how dare he." Serena teased, finishing with the nail polish and tossing the bottle into the container beside her.
"It makes it hard to concentrate, okay?" I glared at her.
"Do you think you'll get back together?" she flipped through the pages of a Fit Pregnancy magazine.
"Doubtful. I told you, I broke up with him because he needs someone better in his life, I can't be that person for him. Getting back together would defeat the purpose."
"Would you shut up with that self loathing bullshit? There is no one better for him Bea. We both know he's not innocent in this, don't be a martyr. You broke up with him because he's kind of a dick and you deserve someone who is going to be there for you when you need him, not create stupid restrictions and fight over petty things." She rolled her eyes and threw the magazine at me. "And don't think I'm taking your side alone here. You turn everything into a test, you've been doing it as long as I've known you. Shit, you still do it to me. You test to see how much we actually care and if we're going to run. You can't stand rejection so you reject everyone first, you beat them to the punch so you can keep yourself safe. You're both terrified little children, he's afraid of losing control and you're afraid of everything else. You know I don't usually like the people you date, but despite his asshole tendencies, I think if you and Sidney could grow up and stop the power struggle you would make each other pretty damn happy."
I stared at her in disbelief. Serena was known for her honesty, but this was a step above telling me that dress did indeed make me look fat. I was so wrapped up in my own world with Sidney I had forgotten that other people could see our relationship in an entirely different light.
"Do you really think he's kind of a dick?" I finally asked, still shocked.
"Yes, and I think you're a big stubborn baby. Stop expecting fireworks and perfection, relationships fucking suck sometimes and you either have to deal with it or give up and get over it." She stood up and walked towards the kitchen. "I'm sorry to be so harsh, it's just that I hate seeing you so upset and I haven't taken a dump in three days. Both are giving me horrible cramps."

I lay in bed on night fourteen, Luna snuggled beside me and a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. Serena's words echoed through my mind. Either deal with it or get over it. While I thought I'd been doing a good job of getting over it, it seemed I wasn't quite committed to the dissolution of our commitment. That was made obvious by my still empty closet and the fact that I was rewashing my three pairs of underwear in the sink regularly. If I was really going to get over it all I had to move on. Flicking on the lamp beside me I sat up in bed and grabbed my notebook from the floor beside me. I had to make a list. A list of things to do to get my life back.
1) Get my stuff back
2) Tell the team we've broken up even if S.C isn't ready to
3) Exchange pleasantries with S.C in the hallways without feeling like crying
4) Go back to derby
5) Get a tattoo to commemorate it all
I read over the list a few times then smiled to myself. It all looked so easy and reasonable. Five simple steps to returning to my former glory. I was going to be Beatrice Keller: independent woman again, no matter what it took. Serena was right. I didn't need to be with someone who drove me slightly crazy and was a bigger control freak than I was. I deserved someone supportive and sweet, someone who didn't keep me a secret. Someone like Max, but not Max, just someone like Max. I turned out the light and fell asleep dreaming of my new and improved life.
Day sixteen and I still hadn't said a single word to Sidney. I stood in the locker room before their matchup against San Jose taking candidly with James. He'd been back on the ice for a few games and was feeling good but had a tight muscle in his shoulder he couldn't get out. Instead of taking him to the trainers room I sat on the bench beside him digging my fingers into tense area.
"Here?" I asked, digging my thumb in deeper.
"Yeah," he yelped.
"Sorry," I chuckled and continued to work the area. Across the room I noticed Sidney watching us while he taped his sticks.
"What, you can't make it to the trainers' room, Lazy?" Pascal teased as he got into his gear.
"I'm just so important I get room service," James grinned.
I rolled my eyes at the interaction but said nothing, focusing on the arm in my hands instead. A few stalls over Geno sat on his phone, texting and smiling.
"Would you put that thing away?" Sidney finally spoke, his harsh words directed to his teammate. "If you payed half as much attention to the game as you did your stupid phone we might have won the last game," he grumbled. They were on what could be called a losing streak.
Geno rolled his eyes and reached above his head to the shelf where he'd shoved his jacket, as he pulled down the black sport coat a pink rectangular box fell onto the floor in front of him. Tossing the phone aside, he lunged for the box but Beau got there first and snatched it up.
"Mat-er-na," he read out loud, snickering. "Prenatal-Postpartum vitamins," he turned to Geno for an explanation, both amused and confused.
"Shut up," Geno groaned and reached for the box.
"Prenatal vitamins?" Marc-Andre spoke up. "Those are really good for your hair."
The room collectively stared at him bemused, James swallowing a laugh and Sidney groaning.
"Nails too," I added. "It's the folic acid or something." They turned to me without saying anything. "What?" I cried. "It's normal that I know these things!"
"You worried about your hair big guy?" James asked Geno who was blushing a new shade of red.
"No," he said quickly. "Not for me! For Serena!"
"Serena's worried about her hair?" James asked, puzzled.
"No, Lazy. Serena pregnant," Geno chuckled nervously.
"Congratulations!" Pascal stood up and hugged him joyously.
"Way to go, buddy," Beau smiled and tossed the box back on the bench.
The team cheered and congratulated him while I sat by smiling. My heart warmed at the excited reactions of the people who would hopefully watch my niece or nephew grow up. I was glad to see that Serena would have such a supportive family around her. Someone asked when she was due and Geno shrugged, either not understanding the question or not knowing the answer.
"Early September," I told them. "She's around ten weeks." Finished with James I got up and left them to get ready for the game. It was a relief to be away from Sidney's watchful eyes. I hated the way he looked at me, the harshness to his face and the anger in his eyes. It would have been easier if he just stood up and screamed at me in the middle of the room. With his feet planted on the Penguin emblem, telling me I'd ruined his life and deserved to die alone. Anything but the cold stares and silent tension.

On day eighteen I said hello. I saw him after a game day skate and I said 'hey'. I'd been planning to do it all day, my palms were sticky with anticipation and I went over it in my head again and again, planning every detail of our second interaction post break up. When it happened I was in the trainers room putting away clean towels, literally looking for things to occupy my time with until he got off the ice. I was standing on my tiptoes, putting the towels on the top shelf when he poked his head into the room, it was obvious he was looking for anyone but me. His eyes widened when he saw me looking at him and I took a quick breath.
"Hey," I said, careful not to sound too excited or friendly.
He didn't reply, just smiled politely and walked away, leaving me with a pile of clean towels to mop up my shame.
When I text Max later that night and told him of the awkward interaction he reminded me that Sidney took longer than the average person to get over things, then sent me a picture of a cat in a sweater-vest. I was momentarily cheered, but quickly returned to my former state of misery and crawled into bed with my new boyfriend, Netflix. One episode of Private Practice turned into three and for those short hours I was granted a Sidney free mind.

It was stereotypical; to wake up on day twenty-one and feel the overwhelming desire to change something. I paced my room, trying to think of a way to satisfy the urge without getting into hard drugs or a pyramid scheme. I still hadn't come up with a plan when I grabbed my car keys and let the apartment door slam behind me. There was no way I could get a tattoo on such short notice, well not one I'd want on my skin forever, and I'd already tried the one night stand rout. I drove around semi-aimlessly, Bruce Springsteen blasting through the crappy speakers. I needed to find a mall or a giant bookstore, some capitalist establishment that would take my money and give me a sense of accomplishment in exchange. Restless, I parked on a road lined with boutique shops and set out to find my answer.
After browsing through a few cliche stores with knickknacks and overpriced costume jewelry I found myself in the chair of an empty salon.
"So how long has it been black?" my stylist, who introduced herself as Lexi, asked while brushing the knots out of my long hair.
"Since an act of rebellion in high school," I admitted.
"And you want me to do what with it?" she glanced at my reflection in the mirror.
"Change it," I smirked.

"So what was his name?" Lexi asked, slathering the creamy chemicals on my head.
"Sidney," I sighed. "How did you know?"
"You're not the first person to come in here and ask for a change. Nine times out of ten it has something to do with a breakup," she laughed. "Was it messy? I find the bigger the change the messier the situation."
I smiled and shook my head slightly. "It wasn't the cleanest. Still isn't, we work together."
"That sucks," she pulled a shower cap over my head. "At least he'll see your new look."
I left three hours later with an itchy scalp and half of my hair, Lexi had cut off four inches and I lost the rest to chemicals. In order to achieve my desired colour, we had to bleach my hair twice, something that Lexi didn't personally recommend but was willing to do in the name of moving on. The sore scalp and thinned hair were well worth it because for the first time in my life, I was blonde. Marilyn Monroe, Dolly Parton, Bridgette Bardot blonde. The kind of blonde that was dangerously close to being white, but still held on to some tone and colour. I felt powerful, sexy, fresh. I felt like getting over him.

Serena screamed when she saw me walk through the door, then told me it was an impulse buy like no other, but it didn't look bad. I took that as a compliment and sent a picture to Max who pretended not to notice a difference.
“Is this some kind of midlife crisis?” Serena asked, flopping on the couch beside me with a muffin in her hand.
“Only if you expect me to die at fifty,” I scowled at her.
“You know what I mean,” she took a bite of the muffin.
“I just wanted a change, “ I shrugged.
“Did this change help you get over a certain well known person?”
“Maybe,” I lied to both of us.
“C’mon, Bea,” she gave me a knowing look. “We both know this isn’t how you get over things.”

“Maybe not,” I stood up. “But it’s a fucking great distraction.” I left her alone on the couch and slammed my bedroom door. I didn’t need the inquisition, I just needed to forget him.

Notes

Happy Holidays guys. Hope you have a good one :)
xx -T