Five; the number of times Sidney found me hiding in my pink room crying over wedding plans, the number of times he asked me if I wanted to elope.

Four; the number of times I said no. The fifth time he asked I couldn’t help but give it some consideration, but before I could answer I was stuck by another wave of nausea and bolted to the bathroom that I had come to think of as a second home of sorts. I was too busy expelling the contents of my stomach to reply, and he was too preoccupied trying to gather all of my loose hair in his hands and out of my face.

They said the new onset of morning sickness could be a result of a number of things, the first was that no pregnancy is textbook and just because I’d gotten past the first two months easily, didn’t mean I was safe. But the second was more likely, in the interest of giving baby Keller-Crosby the best start to life I’d decided to go off of all medication… cold turkey. After years of taking a medication cocktail to keep me going, my body had gotten comfortably used to the pharmaceutical chemicals and was not pleased to be going without them. It wasn’t an addiction, addiction is defined by the need to increase dosages regularly to achieve the same effects, but it felt like I imagined addiction withdrawal would. My father wasn’t happy about my decision to cut everything out, he worried it would lead to a psychotic break. While Sidney had promised to do everything he could to keep me healthy, Dad wasn’t convinced. But with the approval of my doctor in Pittsburgh and a psychiatrist I’d seen when I lived on the Island, there was nothing he could do to stop me.

When I was a kid and tried to imagine planning my wedding, I’d never imagined it would be as stressful as it was. The combination of unmedicated emotions, pregnancy hormones, and a short timeframe had me squeezed in a way Sidney had never seen before. He was scared and I knew it. I could tell by the way he fed me Ensure shakes every three hours like a newborn, handing me the can with a pink straw coming out of it and sitting beside me until I’d finished it. I couldn’t blame my restricted diet on my physical ailments alone, faced with uncertainty I was returning to my old habits. Guilt washed over me every I heard the can open and remembered that my future husband was taking care of me in a way no one should have to. Worse was seeing the irony in my actions, I’d given up the drugs that helped me function to give the baby a better start, but I couldn't force myself to eat like I was expected to. The thought of that alone was enough to send me head first to the toilet.

*****
I stood in my parents’ kitchen anxiously watching the clock on the stove. It was 10:34am and I’d already been up for over three hours. Sidney was at the gym with JJ, my dad was at work, my mother was meeting with her agent, and I was standing in the kitchen obsessing over the clock.

In five days, seven hours, and twenty-six minutes it would be our wedding day. Finally a summer of frantic planning and unexpected events would have some closure. But that wasn’t what had me in a staring contest with the clock. No that was because in a little under two hours Serena was going to arrive. I’d only spoken to her a handful of times since the night I told her about the baby. Each conversation felt burdened and awkward, both of us dancing around the subject and trying to find the rhythm of our relationship again. There was a certain emptiness I felt every time she logged off, like for the first time since grade school I was alone in the world. Only I wasn’t alone, I had Sidney and my family and baby K-C, but it wasn’t the same. All of the wonderful people in my life couldn’t fill the void left with Serena just out of reach.

Forfeiting my riveting competition with the clock, I took what remained of my mug of tea and made my way to my room, trying to take the stairs two at a time but giving up after the second set. Pushing the clothes off of my bed I flopped onto the soft surface and let out a frustrated groan. Despite my best efforts to control it, my mind was racing around in frantic circles. Since giving up the medication my mind had become a war zone. At any given moment I had at least a dozen thoughts crashing against each other, bouncing off the walls of my head like hyped up Jack Russell Terriers, all while trying to navigate through the hazy fog that came with pregnancy and withdrawal. I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion and even thinking about the jam packed days that lay ahead of me was enough to make my stomach churn and my head throb.

Rolling onto my side I looked at the shoe boxes piled on top of each other in my closet. In one was a pair of never worn baby blue Converse that had been tucked away for the wedding day, but the rest were full of pictures I’d collected over the weeks prior. Four boxes full of pictures of Sidney and I, some I’d borrowed from his parents, some I’d gotten from the frames around his house, and- although I hated to admit it- some found on the internet. I’d never get used to Googling my husband and millions of results, but at least I’d never run out of pictures of him. I’d decided early on that I wanted to keep the decorations minimal, just flowers and things I’d found at antique stores and Big Bea’s house, and of course pictures. I’d carefully slipped them into plastic covers and bought heavy duty fishing line that I’d string through the plastic and have them hanging on the branches of the trees, hanging low like a back drop to our wedding. While my mother and Helen and graciously taken on every other aspect of the wedding, the pictures were my pet project and I was unusually confident that they were the finishing touch on our perfectly planned day.

I rolled onto my back and ran my hand along the curve of my now obvious belly. Coming on fourteen weeks I was no longer able to conceal my rounded abdomen under baggy shirts. Standing up, I pulled my shirt off and looked at myself in the mirror. I was definitely bigger than I’d imagined I’d be at fourteen weeks. At this milestone, Serena had barely started to show, and there I stood with the beginnings of a basketball protruding from my torso. I’d already had to put my tighter dresses and jeans away and was dangerously close to need a whole new wardrobe, once again I longed to be a size six. It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited to look pregnant, it was just a little startling and definitely surreal. A shiver of anxiety ran down my back as I remembered my wedding dress, I hadn’t tried it on since the fitting two weeks ago. The fear that it would already be too tight sped through me and I ran out my bedroom door and into the library where my mother had safely hung it, away from Sidney.

After immediately unzipping the white garment bag, I dropped my shorts and pulled the flowing white dress off of the hanger. Holding my breath, I stepped into the chiffon and lace gown and pulled it over my hips. The soft fabric draped effortlessly over my body and the lace details hugged my chest, the elegant lace straps held everything in place and the lower back allowed me to show off my multi-coloured skin art. I smiled at my reflection in the gold framed mirror that hang on the wall between two book shelves. I felt like some kind of etherial rock star and could help but sway my hips to a soundtrack playing in my mind. It wasn’t long before I was dancing around the room excitedly, paying no mind to how ridiculous I’d have looked to anyone who walked in, what with my beautiful wedding dress, hot pink bra, and messy ponytail. It felt good to move in my own space, the emptiness of the house was freeing and for the first time in a long time my mind wasn't completely consumed by worry.

Still wearing the dress, I returned to my room and reached down the side of my bed, pulling out the journal I still hadn't bothered to find a new home for. Careful not to wrinkle the fabric too much, I lay back on my bed and opened to a random page.

September 19th, 2004

I've been thinking a lot about the end of things lately. Maybe it's because summer just ended, or maybe it's because this is my last year of high school. Either way the end is scary. I used to think I wanted to leave the Island and move to a big city like Toronto or Vancouver, but now I don't know. Everything is so safe and warm here. I mean sure, there was a murder in Cardigan last month, but that was over stolen lobster traps, nothing serious. It's just so predictable here. I like that. I've never told anyone, but I'm scared to leave because of Big Bea, what if something happens to her? I don't think I could live without her. At the same time, I'm just as afraid to not leave as I am to leave. I'm scared I'll be 30 and hating my life, working a stupid job and weighing twice what I do now (which is already too much) What if I marry Jack and hate him because I never got to see the world? Better yet, what if no one will have me and Serena goes off and marries a movie star and I'm stuck here, the same old Beatrice Keller as I was last year and the year before. Am I even lovable?

I smiled to myself, reading the terrified words of my youth and flipped to the next page. Before I could read past the date I heard the door open and slammed the book shut, pushing it down the side of my bed and jumping up to close the door.

"Bean!?" I heard her holler before the door closed. "You home?"

"In my room," I called back, my stomach twitching anxiously and my palms starting to sweat. I caught a glimpse of my ridiculous looking reflection in the mirror and rolled my eyes at my panic stricken face. At least my logical mind knew how idiotic it was to be this nervous to see my best friend. This was Serena, not the Queen.

"Bean?" She pushed the door open and peaked inside. I didn't wait for her to register what I was doing before propelling my body towards hers and pulling her tightly into my arms. It felt like going home after a particularly long trip away. She felt like the piece I'd been missing.

"I'm so happy you came," I sobbed, tears trickling down my face and onto her shoulder. I'd tried to stop them but I failed miserably as my breath hitched.

"I missed you so much," Serena said, wiping the tears from my face, despite her own dripping eyes.

We stayed like that until Geno came up to find us, our bodies pressed against each other while we sobbed together, hardly speaking. There wasn't anything we could say that the other didn't already know. When we finally broke apart I finally saw the changes in her. She was smaller, fragile and pale with dark circles under her eyes that weren't just from the long trip back to North America. She'd cut her long blonde hair into a shaggy bob that she'd pinned out of her face, and the dark makeup she'd been wearing was smudged around her eyes. But underneath it all, underneath all the grief and heartache, I could still find my best friend.

"It's so beautiful," she grinned, admiring the dress I'd forgotten I was even wearing.

"I know," I laughed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I wanted to make sure it still fit." I looked down at my stomach and avoided her eyes. We'd hardly mentioned the baby and I didn't want to make it harder for her than it needed to be.

"You're so round," she looked down with me and ran her hand along the bump of my stomach. I didn't dare look at her and held my breath while I waited for her reaction. "I'm so excited for us," she finally spoke, catching my eyes and giving me a reassuring smile. "The baby is the size of a lemon."

With Serena back I felt more prepared for everything, like somehow, her presence guaranteed that nothing could go wrong. For the first time in my life everything was complete. Never before had I had my family, my best friend, and my future husband under the same roof. In theory I should have felt at ease, safe, and relaxed, but despite the comfort there was still a string of anxiety tightly thread from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. It made my stomach tighten and the appetite I’d been trying to get back flee. It seemed as if one wrong move and it would snap, sending me toppling to the ground like a broken marionette, shattered beyond repair. I had to do everything I could to ensure that didn’t happen, not now, not when things were so close to being good.

The bridesmaids’ dresses hung with mine in the library, Sidney’s room was ready at Simon and Helen’s, and Big Bea had a speech prepared that she promised would be perfect. All I had to do was wait. Wait for time to pass, for the tables to be set up, the food to be delivered, the sound system to be assembled, my hair and makeup to be done, and to hear my queue to walk down the aisle.

With less than twenty-four hours before the biggest show of our lives, Sidney and I sat on the porch of my parents’ house feeling the ocean wind against our skin and listening to the rustling of the trees. There was a storm coming and any minute it would break. Thunder rolled in the distance and a flash of lightening lit up blackest sky I’d ever seen. Storms had never scared me, in fact, there was something exhilarating about the clapping of thunder and sound of the wind whistling through our old farm house. A storm felt much safer than any sunny day ever had, there were no expectations with storms, no one commented on the beautiful day you were supposed to be having, and it felt like anything was possible.

Sidney slipped his fingers between mine and squeezed my hand gently. In a matter of hours we’d go our separate ways to spend our last night alone. Not literally of course, I’d realized early in the pregnancy that I wouldn’t be able to take a baby on the road with us, which meant as long as Sidney was producing goals and doing what he loved, I’d be spending plenty of nights sleeping alone. I thought back to our break up, and the nights I spent cocooned in the blankets of my bed holding back tears and praying I’d forget about him, I thought about our fights, his schedule, and the road ahead of us. Was this what he wanted? To by tied down by a wife and baby in the prime of his career. Could we handle the pressure or would the official commitment ruin what we’d worked so hard to keep alive. A shiver went down my spine and I broke the silence that had enchanted us.

“You can still back out,” I said, looking up at the sky.

“What?” I could feel his eyes on me, but couldn’t look at him.

“I won’t be angry.” I closed my eyes and focused on the wind howling around us.

“Beatrice,” he pulled on my arm to get my attention. I slowly turned my face from the sky and opened my eyes to find him watching me, hurt written all over his face. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how horrible you think you are, you’re not. Not even close. If this is some kind of self deprecating thing, cut it out, but if you’re really having cold feet, I need you to tell me.”

I was surprised to find the tears not prickling my eyes, instead I felt numb. It was as if I’d finally run out of emotions. “I’m just scared,” I finally said.

“No shit,” he laughed and wrapped his heavy arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. “I’d be worried if you weren’t.”

“What if we can’t do it?” I mumbled into his chest.

“What if we can? What if it’s even more than we dreamed of? You can be afraid of standing in front of everyone tomorrow, and of dealing with the things that will come with being my wife. But don’t be afraid of us not making it. I don’t know how to show you how I feel about you, but I plan on spending the rest of my life figuring out a way. By the time we’re old and feeble you’re going to see how fucking wonderful you are, and that is a promise.” He held me so tightly against him that I couldn’t imagine how anything in our life could possibly go wrong. I wanted to tell him he didn’t need to do that, that it was my job to fix myself, but I didn’t. Instead I pressed my lips against his neck gently and snuggled closer to him, spending out last few minutes together in the warmth of his arms while the uncertainty of the future started to fade away.

****

I stood at the window watching as Sidney, his best man David, and groomsmen Max, Geno, and Beau walked down the lane from Simon and Mindy’s house where’d they gotten dressed. Their tailored grey suits looked crisp and with their hair carefully combed and tousled I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t hear what they were saying to Sidney, but I saw him grinning and nodding then looking up to the window and winking at me.

Serena stood behind me doing up the clasp to my necklace while Taylor, Helen, and Mindy stood by in their pastel coloured dresses, waiting for our cue. It happened so quickly, the time lapse from waking up that morning, to hearing my father call up the stairs for me felt like a matter of seconds. In the blink of an eye I’d gone from being so scared I’d actually locked myself half naked in a hotel bathroom, to standing at the top of the stairs I’d run up and down my whole life, wearing a wedding dress and taking one more deep breath.

I’d anticipated more anxiety walking across the freshly manicured lawn towards him, but instead of nerves or hesitation I had to stop myself from running towards him. My father held my hand tightly in his and whispered for me to slow down, we were in no hurry. The sun was about to set, just as I’d hope it would and everything looked perfect. The pictures hung from tree branches and sunflowers decorated our makeshift alter where Sidney stood waiting for me under the lattice arch, surrounded by trees. He grinned at me, wider than I’d ever seen and I swore I saw him starting to tear up. White chairs with mismatched cushions were lined in rows on either side of the candle lined aisle, and filled with fifty of our closest family and friends. I wanted to laugh with every step I took, break out into hysterics only because I knew I shouldn’t. It was beyond what I could have ever imagined and I had to remind myself it was all real. I was doing well, keeping a simple smile, walking at a normal pace, until Serena grinned at me with her nose wrinkled and her eyebrows arched, pulling the most ridiculous faced I’d ever seen and flashing me a thumbs up. At that point I couldn’t hold it anymore, laughter erupted from me like water boiling over a hot sauce pan and I had to pick up the pace. Taking the last few steps in double time I hugged my father, who had made it very clear to me that morning that he was in no way ‘giving me away’ rather just walking with me for the sake of walking with me.

Sidney took my hands in his and squeezed so tightly I could feel the excitement coming through his palms. He was smiling so hard I could barely see his eyes and everything about him was glowing.

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah… So tweasuwe youw wove” Simon began after Sidney and I had had a moment to check each other out. We both stared at him trying to keep it together.
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together tonight to watch my baby sister fulfil my lifelong dream of acquiring permanent NHL season tickets, and to watch Sidney forever have in house medical care. When we found out these two crazy cats were hanging out, my brother John and I had two things to say about it, the first: Did he not realize we are die hard Flyers fans? and the second: Hot damn Beatrice Keller. Needless to say Bumble Bea we are so incredibly happy for both of you.” I should have known Simon wasn’t going to take the traditional rout when standing in front of a crowd of people.

“As you may not know, I’m not a priest,” he continued. “This is made particularly evident by the ring bearer who appears to have my stunning good looks, and because of this, Beatrice and Sidney have decided to opt out of the traditional religious readings and instead have given me some alternatives.” Simon cleared his throat and began reading.

“I've tried playing it cool
But when I'm looking at you
I can’t ever be brave
'Cause you make my heart race

Shot me out of the sky
You're my kryptonite
You keep making me weak
Yeah, frozen and can't breathe….” He recited dramatically and by the second line everyone was in a fit of giggles, including Sidney and I who were both bent over howling. There was something so perfect about the casualness of Simon’s officiating, it occurred to me later that other brides might have been furious to have the attention taken away from them, but for me it was a blessing.

“I’m sorry,” he flipped over the paper in his hand and shook his head, “That was Sidney’s choice, we weren’t supposed to actually read that one. In typical Beatrice Keller fashion we have an excerpt from Anne’s House of Dreams by Lucy Maud Montgomery:

“It was a happy and beautiful bride who came down the old, homespun-carpeted stairs that September noon - the first bride of Green Gables, slender and shining-eyed, in the mist of her maiden veil, with her arms full of roses. Gilbert, waiting for her in the hall below, looked up at her with adoring eyes. She was his at last, this evasive, long-sought Anne, won after years of patient waiting. It was to him she was coming in the sweet surrender of the bride. Was he worthy of her? Could he make her as happy as he hoped? If he failed her - if he could not measure up to her standard of manhood - then, as she held out her hand, their eyes met and all doubt was swept away in a glad certainty. They belonged to each other; and, no matter what life might hold for them, it could never alter that. Their happiness was in each other’s keeping and both were unafraid.”

Sidney and I smiled at each other while Simon read the words I’d almost memorized, my mouth moved along with his and in some way it felt as if I’d written them myself. It wasn’t just the words of the passage that I loved, how simple and relatable it was, but the meaning it held, the significance of the first wedding scene I’d ever really read being recited at my own. As Simon said the last words I knew it was my turn to speak. He gave me the best encouraging brother smile as he placed the mic in my shaking hands.

“Sidney,” I smiled, suddenly aware of my own voice. “The first conversation we had was about your tweaked trapezius. Never in my life have I been more thankful for a finicky shoulder muscle. This time just a year ago, if someone had have told me I would soon be marrying and growing our tiny human I would have asked them what drugs they were on and if they were willing to share, because that would just seem too good to be true. In this last year we’ve travelled over 37,000 miles, had four hospital visits, decorated a ten foot tall Christmas tree, got engaged in a bathtub, and fallen consummately in love.

I promise to continue loving you until we return to star dust and haunt the ocean side, and even then I don’t think I could stop. I promise to stand beside you through the good games and the bad, the lost teeth and long road trips. I promise to tell you how I feel instead of throwing socks at your head and breaking things. I promise to always consider you opinions and points of view, even if they are as ridiculous as naming the baby Lord Stanley.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve finally got it all right. I choose you, Sidney Patrick Crosby. And if I have to recite this to you for everyday of our lives together, I will, because this is a beautiful start to our lifelong love letter.”

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and took a deep breath, still smiling and took the mic from me. Before Sidney began, Serena handed me a handkerchief she’d had around her bouquet and held it tightly in my hands. I had a feeling she knew what was coming.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you go first,” Sid chuckled, still gathering his composure.

“Beatrice Elizabeth Keller, you appeared in my life when I had absolutely no intention of falling in love. You skipped in with your colourful skin and radiant personality and I knew the second you started massaging my trapezius that I was done for. I have spent so much of my life focused on my career, but when I met you, my focus easily shifted. I am so incredibly lucky to have found such an amazing, strong, and lively woman to share this life with.

Bea, last night I told you I would spend my life doing everything I could to make sure you saw the incredible person you are, I promised you I’d spend everyday making sure you know how much I love you and I have no problem standing in front of everyone making that promise again. I’m going to be there when things get hard, I’m going to be there when you need someone to take care of you, or someone to watch horrible Lifetime movies with. I’m going to be there when it feels like nothing is working, and when you’re on top of the world. I promise to actually listen when you talk, and never blame hormones for any mood you may or may not be in. I promise to be honest with you instead of protecting my masculinity. I promise to let you roller skate in the house as much as you want, and not complain too much when you make me listen to the same album over and over again, even if it’s the most horrible boyband I’ve ever heard in my life. I promise not to hold the fact that you are a Flyers fan against you, even though I think it’s weird, and I promise to love your pain in the ass cat as if she were a dog.

Honey, I cannot wait to spend the rest of my days with you and baby Keller-Crosby. You’re sweeter than peanut butter and jam sandwiches, you’re more exciting than Olympic gold, and you’re better than anything I could have ever dreamed in my mind. I’ve never been more committed to anything than I am to you, and I will be until the end of the earth.”

Serena had been right to hand my the handkerchief because by the time he’d gotten to the part about my colourful skin the tears were pouring out of my eyes. By the end I was a sniffling mess, clutching his hand in mine and trying not to ruin my make up completely. We stood there, both of us wiping away tears and grinning at each other.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve been waiting for,” Simon took the mic back and continued on before we completely broke down. “Do you, Beatrice Elizabeth Keller, take Sidney to be your husband and partner?” he asked me. I looked between Sidney and Simon, then to the smiling faces of the groomsmen and back to Sidney. I’d worried I would have some hesitation, that saying the words would be harder than I could anticipate, but I was wrong.

“Absolutely, I do!” I said, and it was the easiest thing I had ever done in my life.

“And do you Sidney Patrick Crosby take Beatrice, to be your wife and partner?” Simon asked and Sidney squeezed my hand.

“I do, yes!” he said without hesitation.

“Oh good!” Simon laughed. “Then by the power granted to me by the Government of Prince Edward Island, I now pronounce you husband and wife, partners in the eyes of the law.”

We didn’t wait for Simon to tell us to kiss, the second he said we were married Sidney’s lips met mine and for the first time that day, the first time as a married couple he kissed me with the same tenderness he had the very first time. His arms around my waist and our bodies pressed together, I didn’t want to let go. When we finally did, we turned to the audience and Simon announced us as Sidney and Beatrice Keller-Crosby.

Notes

Now that's a wedding!

It's been a long time coming but I hope you all enjoyed it. I finally finished at my summer job today, so I should have more time to update both this story and Longest Time. It's been a pretty crazy summer for me so I do apologize for the wait time. But I'm hopeful that things are going to improve.

If you haven't already, go follow @BeaKeller87 for more Bea updates and general fun.

xx-T