“Holy shit, you’re married!” Travis exclaimed and threw is arms around me.

“Holy shit, I’m married!” I laughed and hugged him back. I’d been married for nearly an hour and the words still tingled my ears and made my stomach twitch with excitement.

“Mother fucking legally wed,” Teigh added joining our hug.

Our disney inspired bonding moment was cut short by the sound of Simon on the mic welcoming everyone to ‘pop a squat’ at a picnic table of their choice and get ready ‘for chow time.’ Sidney took my hand and made our way to a collection of tables at what would be considered the front of the room that had been reserved for the wedding party, and although I couldn’t quite get used to it, we were definitely the wedding party.

I sat between Serena and Sidney nibbling at a plate of home cooked food my mother had brought me from the buffet style set up and taking in my surroundings. Serena squeezed my knee and smiled, looking more like herself than she had in months. Everything about the event was peaceful, we’d opted to have a no cellphone rule and all the guests had complied, dropping their phones in a wicker basket on the front porch, music played softly in the background and lively conversations surrounded us. Sidney’s hand rest solidly on my leg and I marvelled at how wonderful it felt to have him touch me with so many people around. Like for the first time we were finally a real public couple, only we weren’t. Coming out to the media and the rest of the world would happen when we got home, but for now the little over fifty people who watched us were enough to make it feel like the world knew.

We sat snuggled together while my family and his made their hilarious and sometimes downright embarrassing speeches. Serena preformed an eloquent and well crafted rap for us, Taylor told us about all the times she wished she had a sister, my brothers provided Sidney and our friends with a detailed list of -almost- all of the stupid things I had done in my life, including when I was fifteen and tried to give myself a tattoo in the bathtub. But it was Big Bea’s speech that called the tears to return to my eyes.

“Little Bea, I knew from the moment I saw you enter this world that you were special. You’ve been destined for great things since John and Shirley found out you were coming. I used to say it was because of your name, that something extraordinary came with being a Beatrice Keller, but now I know you’re more than just our name. I have no doubt in my mind that you and this handsome man are going to have an amazing life together, and that grand baby of mine is just as extraordinary as the both of you are.” She went on to remind is that marriage isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. She told us about my grandfather who died just after I was born and how how he used to bring her sea glass he found while fishing, how she kept the sea glass all these years and it meant more than any jewels he could have bought. I wouldn’t have been able to hold back the tears if I tried and by the end of her speech I was wiping away the last of my eye makeup.

Hearing the words from our families left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside and even Serena couldn’t pull me away from Sidney’s arms as we rocked back and forth on the dance floor. The orchard was lit up with twinkling fairy lights and candles, the wooden floor put down in the middle of the grassy lawn as a dance floor was busy with people taking a break from the board games we’d scattered around the tables. It was casual, calm but exciting, it was the epitome of being home and I couldn’t have asked for more.

“So what’s this I hear about a new roommate?” I heard Beau’s voice behind me and let go of Sidney to face him. He looked at us uneasily and tried to smile.

“Not until the New Year,” I assured him.

“It’s just a small one, don’t worry Bud, you don’t have to share your room,” Sid teased and clapped him on the shoulder.

“So you’re not kicking me out?” Beau looked at us hopefully, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile.

“Not if you’re okay with the baby potentially ruining your ability to take home bar friends,” I said.

“I don’t think a baby will negatively impact my game at all, in fact, consider me your built in babysitter,” he smirked and walked away.

The party was wrapping up when Taylor found us sitting on the hammock and watching the sky. We’d had a chance to talk to almost everyone at the wedding except her.

“So,” she plopped down beside him and rest her head on her brother’s shoulder. “How does it feel?”

“Pretty great,” Sid smiled at both of us and pulled me a little tighter against him.

“Good,” she smiled. I could sense she had a reason for joining us but I was too comfortable to ask.

“How’s the wrist feeling?” Sidney focused the attention back to her.

“Pretty good,” she held up her now cast-free arm and wiggled her fingers. “Still a bit of rehab, but I should be good for the season.”

“Good,” he nodded, careful not to disturb either of us. “So?”

“What?” Taylor looked at us both suspiciously and I gave her an encouraging smile. “Okay fine,” she sighed. “I met someone.”

“Really?” I sat up, leaning across Sidney to hug her.

“What?” Sid said at the same time, frowning at my enthusiasm. “Who? Do I know him?”

“Yes,” She nodded tentatively and looked across the dance floor where a group of hockey players were laughing and drinking. “It’s Nathan.”

“McKinnon?” I grinned. “Good choice!”

“I know right?” She chuckled and gave me a high five while Sidney sat between us, stunned.

In the end Sidney finally admitted that he was happy for Taylor, worried, but happy. He’d spent years telling her not to date hockey players, but when it came down to it, she was her own person and had a good judge of character. The week before we returned back to our lives in Pittsburgh we spent as much time as we could surrounded by family, including Taylor and Nathan, whose charmingly awkward presence reminded me of Sidney. It was bittersweet leaving our cozy lake house near the ocean and returning to the hectic buzz of the city. It was good to be home, to get back to a routine, but what made it particularly bitter was Sidney leaving less than twenty-four after we landed to attend the Olympic camp in Alberta. He’d invited me to join him, but I didn’t want to be in the way, he hadn’t had a chance to spend much time with his friends and he deserved a break. But it meant that for the first time since the wedding, hell the first time in months I was all alone. Worse, it meant he’d miss my first appointment with the midwife, and the opportunity to hear the baby’s heartbeat, an occasion I’d be anxiously awaiting since the sleepless nights began at the beginning of the pregnancy.

Shortly after watching him drive away I sat on the living room floor of the big quiet house, staring out the window at the empty street. It was eerie, the stillness of everything. I tried to think of something I could do to keep my mind off of the emptiness around me, but with Serena and Geno in Florida as a last ditch effort to save their relationship, I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. I considered calling one of my old derby friends, but the idea of hearing them talk about the sport that used to be my life was mildly depressing. I hadn’t played in months, and I wouldn’t be back on wheels anytime soon. I lay back on the hardwood floor and turned my attention to the high ceilings, staring at them with no real purpose. I must have let myself get lost in my self-pitying thoughts because I didn’t hear the front door open.

“What are we looking at?” Beau asked, joining me on the floor.

“Absolutely nothing,” I sighed.

“Sounds good.”

We lay there for well over ten minutes, neither of us saying anything, the sun streaming through the window and casting beams over our bodies. I felt myself drifting in and out of sleep under the warmth of the light, but was too hungry to commit to a nap.

“Do you mind if Nealer and I stay in tonight? He’s not heading to Alberta until tomorrow,” Beau broke the silence.

“Not at all, but don’t stay in on my account,” I said.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sure it’s pretty shitty to be alone when most people would still be on their honeymoon.”

“It’s not the greatest,” I nodded. “But Sidney and I are definitely not most people, so it comes with the territory.”

“I guess,” he sat up and spread his legs out in front of him, using his arms to keep him up.

“I think what bothers me the most is how much it bothers me, y’know? It’s like I’ve become some sad, dependant, little person who can’t get through a day without him. I’m not that person!” I covered my eyes with my arm, suddenly aware of how much I’d just said to Beau of all people. It wasn’t at all fair for me to do this to him. “Sorry,” I shook my head and sighed.

“No, it’s fine. I get it. I don’t think you’re like, sad or whatever to want to be around your husband. I mean you’ve been married like two weeks. No one wants to be away from their person so soon. And you’ve got the whole baby thing going on so there’s that. Basically I’m impressed that you even got dressed this morning. You totally could have spent all week in bed.” He smirked.

I was surprised by his maturity and how comforting he was. I’d always known there was more to the shaggy haired boy they called Sunshine, but I had sorely underestimated his compassion.

“Thanks,” I gave him a weak smile and slowly moved into a sitting position. “I guess it’s just a lot of change in a short period.”

“It is,” he nodded and placed his hand on my shoulder affectionately. “But you can do it. You’re like the most responsible and adult person I’ve ever met. You got this. And if you need anything, you know where I live.”

I looked at him with my eyebrow cocked, concerned. If I was the most adult person he’d ever met there was a serious problem with his judgement. I considered correcting him, but instead just laughed. I’d take it as a complement.

I stood in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, when James arrived. Being the most responsible of the three of us, I’d volunteered to make dinner and as I watched the rice boil over for the second time I was seriously regretting my offer. Despite the chicken being perfectly sautéed and the vegetables being cooked without losing their crispness, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out Minute Rice.

“Mrs. Crosby!” James called as I was dumping out the rice to try again.

“She’s not here,” I replied.

“Yeah I don’t know who you’re talking about, Bud,” Beau added, stealing one of the carrots out of the pan.

“What?” James looked at us bewildered and opened his mouth like a goldfish, then closing it without saying anything more.

“What is right, why are you looking for Sid’s mom? That’s just weird man.” Beau teased.

“I was talking about…” James pointed to me confused.

“Oh, you mean Mrs. Keller-Crosby, yeah that’s her,” Beau nudged him.

“Jesus, you’re taking this hyphen thing really seriously aren’t you?”

“Meh,” I pulled the rice off the stove and left it to simmer. “If I don’t take it seriously now it won’t be acknowledged. And for the record, other than the hockey stuff Sidney’s taking it seriously too, just ask to see his new licence.”

“You’ve got him whipped good, don’t you Mrs. Keller-Crosby?” James joked and I didn’t have the energy to play along. There were days I could find the humour in their sexist comments, but this wasn’t one of them.

“No, we are two grown adults who make mutually beneficial decisions and this was one of them. If he hadn’t agreed with it we would have found another option. Now shut the fuck up and come eat,” I wasn’t as angry as I sounded, and both boys knew it, but as I got further along in the pregnancy I noticed my tolerance and patience levels dwindling.

“Yes mother,” James murmured and sheepishly filled his plate, stopping to give me an awkward side hug before taking a seat. I rolled my eyes as they both sat there giggling.

We sat around the table like a happy family, eating and catching up on one another’s summer activities. Beau had spent most of the off season in California and James had gone home to Ontario, neither of them had any riveting or scandalous stories to tell me and I was admittedly disappointed. They were clearing the dishes and horsing around as I sat at the counter texting Sidney, hoping to catch him alone, when the doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so when I opened the door to find Pascal and his oldest daughter on the other side I was pleasantly surprised.

“We thought someone might want to come home to her mama,” Pascal grinned and came in carrying Luna’s pink kennel.

“Thank you,” I beamed and took the crate from him, immediately taking my scared black cat out and holding her tightly against me. “I’ve missed you kitty cat,” I purred, scratching the soft spot behind her ear. The house suddenly felt a little less lonely knowing I’d have her to sleep with me tonight.

“Sid thought you might want her back sooner rather than later.”

“I was going to call you tomorrow morning, today has been kind of crazy,” I admitted, still holding Luna tight in my arms and inviting them into the living room.

“I’ll bet,” he chuckled. “What a schmuck, leaving you to settle in all on your own.”

“Right?” I laughed, shaking my head. Schmuck was mild compared to what I’d wanted to call him the day he reminded me he was leaving as soon as we got home.

“Duper!” the boys cheered as they entered the room, still pushing each other into the walls.

“Young Miss Duper!” Beau added, addressing the blushing nine year old.

“Hi Beau,” she giggled, clinging to her dad’s side. I couldn’t blame her for the blush on her cheeks as he smiled at her. I can’t say I wouldn’t have had the same reaction if I was ten years younger and single. Despite Beau having taken on a role as ‘practice son’ there was no denying he was a looker.

“You two fruitcakes tormenting this poor woman?” Pascal joked.

“Nah, she made dinner so we’ll give her a break for a few minutes,” James shrugged and flopped down on the couch beside me. The force of his weight caused the couch to shift and he threw his arm lazily over the back of it and behind me.

“Gee, thanks,” I nudged him playfully, still holding Luna close to me.

“Bea can take it,” Beau patted me on the head like a dog, “She’s not THAT pregnant.”

“I heard about that!” Duper smiled. “Congratulations, you guys must be thrilled.”

“We are,” Beau answered for me, jumping over the back of the couch and sitting on the other side of me, leaving me sandwiched between two obnoxious man children.

“Absolutely delighted,” James added.

“Couldn’t be happier,” Beau said.

“It’s a true blessing.”

“God’s miracle.”

“Precious gift.”

I sat there watching them go back and forth, trying to hide my smirk. They were obviously making up for their good behaviour at the wedding and the months of peace I’d had.

“Pretty much,” I shrugged when they’d run our of stereotypical phrases to recite.

“It’s going to be a girl,” James declared. “No doubt about it, the universe is not so unbalanced that Crosby would have a boy.”

“Bullshit,” Beau rolled his eyes. “Definitely a boy, no doubt about it, the stars are aligned, the next Sid is among us.”

“$100 bucks!” James cried, startling Luna out of my arms and sending her running into the kitchen to hide. I had half a mind to join her, but I knew they’d find me.

“You’re on,” Beau reached across me and they shook on it.

“You both need to calm down, maybe it’s a girl who is the next Sid, or maybe it’s a boy who will be a really awesome jazz dancer. Or maybe it won’t decide to identify as either. Maybe I’ll have a totally bitchin’ androgynous gender fluid child who will kick both of your asses and hate hockey.” They both stopped and looked at me in horror, as if they had never heard something so ludicrous in their lives. I was ready to give them a lesson on the gender spectrum when Beau shook his head mournfully.

“How could you say that about your own child?” He took my hand in his. “Not liking hockey? God Bea, that’s just unnatural.”

“Might not want to let Sid hear you say that,” Duper chuckled.

Pascal and his daughter didn't stay much longer, after witnessing the Neal and Bennett comedy hour they headed home with the excuse that bedtime was drawing near. But not before Duper gave Beau and James serious instructions to clean out the litter box and not let me anywhere near it. I watched in amusement as they both wrinkled their noses and reluctantly agreed. I made a mental note to learn how to bake and bring the Dupuis family an extra thank you treat just for that little lecture.

The three of us sat in the living room, Beau and James battling each other on the Xbox while I scrolled through the mommy blogs I swore I’d never read. Before getting pregnant I’d figured mommy blogs were just slightly narcissistic women showing each other up online, but now sixteen weeks along I realized they were more like the WebMD of pregnancy. I read in horror the account of one woman who’d thought she was having twins but later found one had eaten the other and she was left with one healthy alpha baby and a horrible mental image of uterine Hunger Games. But the pregnancy stories had nothing on the accounts of toddlers with poop in their hair and babies peeing in the mouth of the person changing them. I shuttered and closed the screen, scarred by the stories I’d read. Surely my little crotch creature would come out refined and well mannered. It had to, there was no way I could handle explosive diapers and projectile vomiting, and I was a medical professional. If I couldn’t deal with the potentially disgusting bodily functions of this tiny human, Sidney would be screwed.

Meeting the midwife alone bothered me more than I thought it would. We sat in the kitchen drinking tea and discussing the formalities of being under her care, and I couldn’t help but be embarrassed that Sidney wasn’t with me. Her name was Clementine and she’d delivered nearly 100 babies in her career, she wore loose fitting tunics and reminded me of my mother.

“So you have no problem signing a confidentiality agreement?” I asked her for the third time, sitting anxiously at the table.

“Not at all, confidentiality is an important part of all pregnancies and births, but if you’d like me to sign something because of your situation I’m more than happy to. Part of my job is to make sure you’re comfortable, Bea,” she smiled kindly and signed the form Sidney’s lawyers had prepared the same day we’d gone to talk to them about prenuptial agreements.

“I’m an asshole if I ask you to sign one and a fool if I don’t.” Sidney had told me while we waited in Nova Scotia for his Pittsburgh based lawyers to call. “I think I’d rather be a fool than an asshole, because if I don’t have you it doesn’t really matter how much money is in my bank account.” The sincerity in his words had left me tearing up and clinging to him, and echoed in my mind still.

“I really appreciate it,” I took the forums from Clem and put them in an envelope for safe keeping, Sidney could deal with the legal stuff later. “I’m really sorry Sidney isn’t here, I know he really wanted to meet you.”

“I understand,” she rest her hand on top of my comfortingly. “These things happen, especially in his line of work. How are you doing though, with him being away?”

I looked at her and tried to find the right words. Despite having only just met her, I trusted Clementine. There was a warmth in her matter of fact way of explaining everything that made me feel safe. She was older, but I felt her youthful energy.

“I’m…” I began, but found myself lost. “I’m angry,” I finally said, admitting my true feelings for the first time. “I’m angry that I’m so upset, and I’m angry that his job takes precedence over everything, and I guess I’m angry that I thought it would be any other way. I should just be happy that he’s got an amazing job and that I have him.” I shook my head and rest my forehead in my palm.

And then she said the one thing I needed to hear, “Your emotions are valid. Everything you’re feeling is okay and you have every right to feel the way you do.”

I heard the heartbeat for the first time that day. All the anger and hurt melted away when the whooshing sound with the rapid beats came through the speakers of Clem’s doppler machine. The overwhelming realization that there was more to my life than me hit me like a ton of bricks and I lay on the couch with tears pouring down my cheeks and Clem by my side holding the transducer against my stomach. She followed the heartbeat for nearly half an hour, allowing me to take a sound clip to send Sidney, before I let her move on with the examination. We didn’t do an ultrasound or any of the amniocentesis tests that a doctor might have offered, but I knew the minute I heard that heartbeat that Beau was right, it was a boy and I didn’t need high grade medical equipment to tell me that, I had my first dose of mother’s intuition and there was no way I could be wrong.

Notes

Sometimes I go back and read chapters... then I realize how many typos I have.. I'm sorry about that. The things that despite being an editor for others I can't do my own stuff, I also post very late so I am often too tired to catch things. So thanks for putting up with that.

Since Bea found out she's pregnant, I've had a raging baby fever that cannot be tamed. Dangerous business this is.

xx-T