“Fucking right Chicago! Woo! Biggest bunch of beauties in the league. Fuck yeah! Fucking worked our nuts off for this trophy. Woohoo!! No one will ever take this away from us, we’re the champs!” Corey Crawford screamed out. “That was my speech after we creamed you pussys in the Final!”

Patrice Bergeron and Corey Crawford were walking through downtown, hanging out together. Patrice had on a red and white Team Canada jacket with a pair of jeans. Corey had on a black shirt and jeans.

“I’m not letting you get to me, man. I mean...hey Corey, we never get to hang or talk. I just wanna say that you’re a spectacular goalie. If I weren’t playing for Tuukka, I’d gladly choose you!”

“Fucking right! We’d win all the fucking games! With you and Jonny! Shit, we’d be unstoppable! We’re the Chicago Fucking Blackhawks!” Corey shouted, enthusiastically. “Right on, man. Right on.”

“Uh, yeah…what about you being in Boston though?”

Corey halted and faced Patrice, who halted a few feet ahead. “Boston?”

“Yeah. What if you came to Boston?”

“You know what the difference is between a person from Boston and a baby?” Corey asked, smiling.

Patrice pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “Please, please don’t. Let’s not do this again...”

“The baby will stop whining after a while! Ha! I just learned that joke!” Corey elbowed Patrice in the shoulder.

“Very funny Crow.”

“I’m a fucking riot, right?”

Patrice sighed and looked around. There wasn’t anyone around, which was odd. Chicago was eerily quiet. It was almost too foreboding. He pushed the worry to the side...if he showed anything, Corey was bound to eat it up and spit out a clever insult chirp at him. And he wasn’t in the mood for Corey chirping him. He’d always heard Corey was the soft, easy-going one...this was someone who was off-the-charts. He was like a buzzed Brad Marchand.

“Ooh, ooh, I got like a ton more. Why are the Bruins like grizzly bears?”

Patrice spun to him and raised an eyebrow. “Crow...please stop…maybe this is why I don’t hang out with you...well at least that is my thought process now.” He folded his arms across his chest.

“Every fall they go into hibernation!” Corey spat poking Patrice in the shoulder.

“Yes, yes, I get it…” Patrice looked down and shook his head.

“Fucking right you get it!”

Suddenly there was thunderous booming sound. Both men halted in their tracks and spun around.

“Oh shit!” Corey gasped.

“Would you can the cussing man?” Patrice snapped.

“Why would I do that? It’s super hard...I mean, hell, I’m wired to spew out--!” Corey was cut off as a large hulk-like green figure stepped into view. He gawked at it in a snooty fashion, putting his hands on his hips. “What the FUCK is that?!”

“Corey!” Patrice scolded.

The big figure held two sabres in his hands. And he didn’t look very happy...but he did look familiar. He stomped toward them.

“Are we getting attacked by the Hulk’s smaller cousin, cause,” Corey pointed with a thumb at the big green guy and scoffed, “I’m not afraid of that!”

The figure leaned down toward them and let out a fierce growl. Spit and rank breath hit the two Canadians. That was enough for Patrice, who dropped onto all fours like an animal and let out a screaming growl which morphed into a bear roar. Fur came from his face which then spread down his body rapidly. As he transformed, his clothes were torn to shreds and the remaining pieces fell to the ground. There went another of his shirts. His face quickly turned into a snout and resembled a bear’s and the rest of his body joined the bear look. Claws unsheathed from his hands, which changed into giant bear paws and they scratched the cement sidewalk they stood on.

He pushed up and stood on his hind legs. Then he swung a massive paw at the creature with his claws out. His mouth was parted as he let loose another roar. The giant hulk man stumbled back a tiny bit.

“TYLER MYERS!!” Patrice snarled, spraying spit and drool around him.

“Who’d you know puny teddy bear?” Myers sneered.

Keith Ballard stepped out from behind the big man, wearing a smirk. “How’s it going Corey and Patrice?”

“Ballard!” Corey snapped. “Shoulda known it was you. The stench of illegal hits is too fucking strong!”

Ballard just smirked. “Insults and foul language? Really lowering yourself, eh?” He dropped to the ground and went through the same transformation routine Patrice had. His face and body grew fur and his clothes were ripped apart as he changed into a snarling, vicious-looking coyote. He flashed his canines at Corey as Patrice lunged at Tyler Myers with another shrill roar. “Come on, Crow...do your cute transformation thing and join the fun!”

“You’re going to eat those words, puppy dog!” Corey threw his arms to the sides of him. They transformed into a pair of black feathery crow wings. Then his body shrank and became a bird’s. As his body took shape, his face changed, a beak taking the place of his nose and mouth and his eyes darkened into a beady black. He opened his beak and faced Keith Ballard, who’d transformed into a coyote, “Let’s dance, puppy!”

“Alright little insult birdie!” Ballard leapt at the crow, who dodged his attack. The coyote landed on the pavement and skidded around in a circle. He scrambled back at Corey, who flapped his wings, almost egging him on. He darted back and leapt up again. This time he swiped a paw up and got Corey in the tail.

“Ow!” Corey cawed. “That fucking hurt, you piece of shit!”

Ballard snapped his canines at Corey, who avoided them and instead swiped a talon across the coyote’s nose. Ballard backed up, shaking his head from the stinging sensation, but his eyes turned a beady red color and he snarled and launched into the air straight at the black bird.

Corey saw him and zoomed off with the angry coyote in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, Patrice latched onto Tyler Myers with his claws but he was instantly thrown off. Patrice landed on the ground and avoided Myers’ big foot as he lifted it up and aimed to step on him. The bear rolled to the side and jumped back to his paws and rose up. When he stood up, he was even with Myers’ chest.

The green giant reached out for him, but Patrice sprang up with a snarl and raked his claws across the guy’s neck. Tyler Myers howled in agony but this time Patrice kept at him, slashing at him with his sharp claws. The giant bear drove the giant green man into a building, causing it to dent inward from the strong blast.

Myers kicked Patrice in the stomach and sent the Bruin stumbling toward the riverside. But he recovered and returned to action, jumping at Myers. If he could bite down on Myers’ neck...the battle would be over and he would win. Then he could finish off Ballard and help out Corey...even if the little crow was mouthy.

But Corey was innocent and he was a hero...and he was a talented Canadian goalie. Patrice suddenly felt himself get flung to the ground, which cracked and dented under him. Myers let off a bellowing hulk-like growl and slammed his fist into Patrice.

“Puny bear gonna get taught a lesson!”

Patrice winced in pain as the fist bloodied his snout. He swatted his paws at the villain, but only got air. Myers had the upper hand now. And that wasn’t good. Myers picked the dazed brown bruin up and lifted him into the air over his head, cackling. Patrice dug his claws into the giant’s skin and focused all of his energy.

Myers howled and let him drop. Patrice landed on the ground, but he shook off the impact and spun to see Myers flicking his hand about before him. Blood trickled from his wound. The Boston forward snorted.

“You draw my blood, I draw yours!”

“FUCK!!!!!!!!” a loud cawing scream came as Corey flew back into view and passed by Patrice. Ballard was still hot on his tail, snarling and snapping his jaws.

“I’m going to have crow for dinner tonight!”

“The fuck you are!” Corey spat, zooming behind a building and disappearing from view once more.

Ballard skidded on the sidewalk and made a turn, continuing after him. “Get back here, Crow!”

“You’ll have to catch me first you mangy mutt!” Corey snapped.

Patrice saw that Myers was distracted, so he leapt up in one bound and jumped on his back. As he clung to the beast, digging his claws in, he attempted to bit at his neck. However that was easier said than done, especially with the giant stumbling about.

That’s when the bear got an idea. He pushed against Myers, causing him to stumble toward the river. He tripped over the railing and Patrice instantly jumped back, so he didn’t go with him. He stood and watched as Myers hit the water with a powerful smack.The force was enough to knock him out...if even temporarily, it gave Patrice a cushion that he needed.

The bear raced off to find the crow and the coyote, finding them still in chase, running and flying through buildings. The bear skidded between them and caused the coyote to halt. Patrice grabbed him gently around the neck and pulled him close. “I want you and your friend to get out of here! Retire back to your leader, because we are done here.”

“I’m not!” Ballard snarled.

Patrice shook his head. “You are.”

The coyote swung his paw at the bear but Patrice dropped him and instead dodged the blow and swung one of his massive paws and clipped Ballard in the face, leaving him dripping with blood.

“I’m not known for violence, but when I say we are done, we are done. Collect your friend from the river and get lost!”

Ballard nodded now and gave them both one final glare, before he raced off to the river, where Myers was. A blood trail was left and Patrice knew that Ballard would carry that wound for a long time.

Corey flew to Patrice’s side. “Nice work...for a bruin.”

The bear turned to him and frowned. He rolled his eyes and then lifted his arm and brought it lightly into the crow, just as a message for him to knock it off. “You’re done cussing and insulting for the day, Crawford.”

“It’s my nature man. Shit, fuck, damn.” Corey recovered, shaking his head and pecked at Patrice’s ear. Patrice and Corey then indulged in a paw to wing cat fight.


Meanwhile, Keith Ballard raced to the river and found Tyler Myers sitting by the waterside. He was dazed and bewildered. And he was also back to being a human. He had found some new clothes and had put them on. The coyote halted before him, still bleeding badly. One of his eyes was swollen shut, so he looked beat.

“What the hell happened to you?” Myers asked.

“Doesn’t matter. You were supposed to kill the bear! I almost had that Insult Crow by his swearing tail feathers!” Ballard snapped, wandering to the water’s edge. He sat down and gazed at his reflection to see just how badly he looked. “Instead that bruin hit the hell out of me...he could’ve killed me!”

“But he didn’t.”

“How are we going to explain to Avery that Patrice and Crawford escaped? AND won!” Ballard growled, whipping his head around to glare at his partner.

Notes

Corey Crawford the Insult Crow, everyone! :P