Flight - Comments, page 6

@EvelynaKitty
1. Yes, that'll be good :)
2. Awesome! :D
3. Thanks! :DD
4. Alright, she doesn't have flight, she flies with wings! That's because the ability of her to fly comes from the wings, which do not come from her, therefore, she doesn't have flight, she has to rely on the wings to fly. There, got that cleared out! :) Cool, glad you put that in ;)

Alright, I got the critiquing for the new chapter:
1. "Patrick Kane sat in some kind of cell." I know that you put in some description about how he was held hostage, but can you put in more description like how the room looked like, where was his cell located, was it night time or day time, etc...
2. "He glowered at the blond, who took a step backward." Standing up? Heck, I thought he was sitting down! It'll be nice to put in if he was standing or sitting in the beginning or this chapter :)
3. "--“secret” handshake." How's this like? I just picture them doing a normal handshake and that's right. More description about that, please :)
4. So Kaleta is doing all of this just because he hates talented players? That's what I got. I hope there's a better reason why he's doing this. :P
5. Oh, and in your notes, you put in "Next up: Who's Spencer?" There was no Spencer mentioned in this chapter at all... You jumped ahead again, I take it, unless I missed it in .
No problem, I love this this! :D
And with cheesiness...I gotta say, it is on the cheesy side mainly with how the villains and hero are dressed up... This is my opinion, but I don't like the superheroes with like those colourful suits that are tight with their symbol in the middle--you know, like the stereotypical superheroes. That's why, if you noticed, my characters in AAOOOSC! don't have suits to wear when they fight (they fight in their street clothes) and in AAOOOSC!: The Mission, they do have suits, but as you should know (from the description and drawings), they're waaaay different than the other superhero suits. So just putting it out there: Superman suit, Batman suit, Spider-man suit, old 1970s X-men suits, DC Universe villains suits = NO GO. I don't do those suits. But hey, if you like those suits--awesome for you! :) But that's what I find cheesy the most ;)

@A Shruinger
1. Alright, can do. I'll stick it in maybe when they are talking in the lair, before Brad sends them off.
2. Okay. I gotcha. That's right I forgot about that. Ratings are so hard, but yeah I'll watch the blood in this. ;)
3. Okay. I can do that.
4. The wings give her flight...that's where the flight comes in. I described the wings some more. And I also put in how they are linked to the emotions. ;)

@EvelynaKitty
1. Yea, put it when Eve and Toews are first introduced together so that the reader knows about the date and cares somewhat about it :)
2. Oh, well...okay, I see what you're saying, but if blood is shown it turns the movies to PG-13 (I'm going by MPAA ratings, here) So you might want to consider that if you're planning to describe more blood in later chapters. Alright, that's good that you got rid of it since it seems like you want to keep the PG rating ;) All that stuff I just typed about the ratings and blood is just for your information for future references ;)))
3. Oh...well, it didn't seem like her style because it seems like she's the type of hero who would just go straight into the fight when she sees Tazer in danger without thinking twice about what she's getting herself into with the situation. Yea... Okay, please put in the describe of how she gets her suit on, please :)
4. So she doesn't have flight then, because she flies with wings. Unless they are used for 'decroation,' but I think the wings would get in the way if she has flight to fly with.

@A Shruinger
1. I don't think so, I can put it there though...not sure where though.
2. It's PG-13 (Lower-level), so a little bit of blood is okay...I won't have a lot. I just can't classify this as PG-13 though, cause it really isn't. Then again, I might just get rid of the blood, since it might be a problem, I'll fix that and watch out! :) I got rid of it.
3. okay. I can look at that. She should be feeling it out, I was going for it mirroring a "hockey fight", keeping with the theme. I thought it would be okay, but maybe it is too long. I'll look at it. ;) Um....yes, when her wings are out, she is in the suit, but I can further explain this. ;)
4. She flies with the wings. :)

@EvelynaKitty
Alright I read the chapter and here's what I have to say:
1. Is the date mentioned in the previous chapters, like the chapters before the scene of when Patrick is kidnapped? Because it's still kinda random when Eve and Toews are already at the date sight and Eve then says that she planned the date a long time ago... The date should be something the reader should already know a long time ago...
2. Another thing, I was suprised that you extended the chapter! But remember, this is PG, not PG-13, so no blood should be able to be seen in the reader's mind. Just a rating check there.
3. And Eve took WAAAY too long to start a fight. I thought that she was gonna immediately beat up Scott when she saw him grabbing a hold of Tazer, because that's how she's like, right? When I was half way reading their conversation, I practically said, "Fight already!" And did she ever change into her suit or not?
4. Another thing, if someone has flight, they would not need wings. One would need wings because they don't have the ability of flight. And one would not need wings because they have flight. Make sense? Pick a way for Eve to fly ;)
Other than that, it's all fine to me! Good job fixing up the other things I pointed out to you! :)))

@A Shruinger
This chapter for now. But feel free to look at the others as well and read it all again. Maybe you might catch something else or maybe find a place where I can add some kind of hint about the date. :)

@EvelynaKitty
Alright, I'll read it! :D And are the changes only in this chaper, or are there some in the other chapters?

@A Shruinger
Yup. I'm done with the changes. Feel free to look it over again now. Let me know if you catch anything off!! And thanks for the help and feedback/criticism! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
Yup! XD
Okay, sweet! Tell me when you fixed the chapter and mention about the date in earlier chapters, okay? :)
Ahhh...okay, so that chapter's deleted then... Hm, okay, can't wait to see the new and improved version of the back story ;)

@A Shruinger
Haha. Careful, I can be quite funny sometimes...:P
I'm going to put it later on. but it's a surprise at the moment. :)
I put it as an explanation...you'll see it most likely. I just got rid of the backstory chapter and changed this current one. The others I left alone. ;)

@EvelynaKitty
Hahaha, I read what you put at the beginning of your reply during French class and I laughed! And then I kinda got in trouble for that, but it's fine.
Yes, yes, I see what you mean... Alright, that's fine.
Ohhhhh...so what's gonna happen to the other chapter that shows how Black Hawk got her name?
Alright, Ill check out your changes...But when did you mention that they are going on a date? Like which chapter?

@A Shruinger
No, no, before Kaner was kidnapped!! :P Of course, if it was after, that would be like screw you, I love Jonny more than saving his best friend. Haha.
Well it's her like "research" team, kind of like when a villain has henchmen to do his "dirty work" you know? That's sort of the role of the trio.
Yup.
And I'm going to be changing something else, so caution...the background of when she becomes Black Hawk is coming out and is being moved to a later time. The mission starts in the next chapter which means that Chapter 10 is "to Russia" so to say.
I hope this new organization will help it flow better and read better. And I went ahead and combined Jonny's kidnapping into this chapter too. Changes are made. :)

@EvelynaKitty
Yea, you can put in that Eve and Toews were planning for this date BEFORE Kaner was kidnapped because it'll be, I hate to say this, but it'll be stupid to plan a date after Kaner gets kidnapped--not good planning at all. So yes, tou can out in that this date was planned before Kaner was kidnapped (I meant you). And if her friends know that they have to go on this long-time planned date, then they should understand and be more than happy to help out to find Kaner while they are out (sounds really bad that a hero can't do this job, but oh well.) But yea, long-timed, planned date will let this chapter fit in...make it like their anniversery date.

@A Shruinger
What if I were to put something in that makes the date less random...maybe have her planning it for this date for a while, but there happens to be a case. She really wants to help Jonny out and save Kanerboo, but she has had this date. So maybe her friends help her out - Brooke and Kelly (Val wouldn't agree on it. Poor baby Russian.) Would this kind of information help it to fit easier then?

@EvelynaKitty
Yes, I am aware that Eve's friends are helping out, looking for information, but I don't think it's right just to go ahead and have fun while her friends are at work. She's the hero, the main hero, and her job is the save people (well, this time Kaner, even though she usually saves Tazer), so yea...
Don't worry, you don't have to give it away, it's fine. But I just don't like that she randomly goes out on a date with Toews even though there's work to be done and I believe she said that she was gonna get on with that work..., that's the only thing... I know that this chapter is gonna continue on to the next chapter because it was left in a cliffhanger and I know that this chapter was used so that Toews can get captured, I know that! I'm just saying that there can be a more better, works-with-the-plot, alternative way Toews can get captured. It was just not the right time to put in a date scene because the characters said that they'll work to find Kaner...and then they go on a date. It doesn't fit in. Thank you, that's what I was trying to say! Yes, it doesn't fit in with the story line at the moment. But I believe it will later on in the story once some of the action dies down, of course when the action starts buliding up, which I am waiting for. Do you get it now? 8|
It just wasn't the right time to put in a date scene and it didn't fit with the story in the place it was set in. I'm not saying, "No date scenes allowed!" I'm just saying, "No date scenes in this area of the story!" But you can place this chapter somewhere else later on in the story, like what I said, when some of the action calms down and then the action can raise with Toews being captured...again... Unless you don't want him to be captured twice, then you can change the ending to the chapter. You get it? :)

@A Shruinger
Val, Kelly and Brooke are. I had Evelyn say that. And I get that, but I think it can work right before something bad happens. Man, I don't want to give it away. Can you see if this works with the next chapter maybe? If not, then I can certainly consider moving it and shifting things around...
I'm just confused mainly on having the "date" scene...I thought it would be okay to have and to set up the next event...

No, no, you don't have to send me the outline of the story, it's okay.
But I'm not saying that Eve is not allowed to go on any dates at all, I'm just saying that it's not the right time to do that for the plot's sake and for the story's sake. It'll be better if she goes out on a date later on in the story when there's already some action and the plot's gone deeper... It just seems way too early for something this happy to happen. But how are they searching for clues during a date? Can you point that out for me (not including that their friends are doing the work while Eve and Toews just have fun)? What are you confused about, though? I don't want you to be confused... :P You're welcome :)))

@A Shruinger
Okay. I hear you. Can I send you the outline of the story that I have and see if it works? I understand what you are talking about, however....they are technically searching for clues....she can't go out with Jonny on a date though? I'm trying to understand more about what you are saying there...I'm just a little bit confused....but thanks for the feedback and helpful info. :)

So, I critqued and I hate to say this, but...just read what I got to say :PPP
Alright, so in superhero/action movies, all the love/romance scenes go during or after the action scenes... Why? Well, for an example in here, I was expecting Black Hawk and Toews to go save Kaner and then all of a sudden they randomly deicided to go on a date. Really? I was excited to see what they would do to save Kaner, but this happens. And Eve said that they were going to get Kaner right after she leaves, but lies and goes out with Toews instead. This is NOT a good heroic trait. Hero business goes before personal business. They should've just gone ahead and start looking for Kaner like what she told her friends she would do. And being a hero is like a fight against time--no time cannot be wasted when it comes to saving a person because heaven knows what the villain could do with the victim! I think you did this scene so that Toews could be captured because I sometimes make scenes because I just need one thing to happen.
So for a better alternative way to get Johnny captured is that he can be captured by the same villain that captured Kaner and that villain can use the same tactics to kidnap Toews (since he is the same villain, right?)/ And this can happen when Black Hawk is fighting off another villain (the villain that kidnapped Kaner can sneak in and grab Toews, since Toews can't fight).
I'm sorry if I just ruined this whole chapter, but you CAN move it later on into the story--it's just that the beginning has just been dragging on for way too long (NINE CHAPTERS!!!) and I think it's time to cut to the action, okay? ;) The characters are introduced, the plot it introduced, I am fully aware that Eve likes Johnny and Johnny likes Eve now let's cut to the chase!

Anyways, here are the normal critiques on this chapter:
1. "Evelyn floated off the pier and warmed herself up." Can you put in that she activates her wings, please?
2. "...moment with which to attach." You meant attack, right?
3. "She did somersaults, cartwheels, one legged moves, yoga poses and other various actions." And she can do this with wings or did she magically get flight?
4. "If I can think it up, I can do it!" Does she have mentifery? That's the ability to think of something and it come true.
5. "Evelyn’s wings flapped rapidly behind her." Okay, now I'm picturing fairy wings! I thought she had like metallic, metal, robot-like wings, which cannot 'flap rapidly behind her' because they are so thick and heavy. Anyways, aren't the wings NOT connected to her...? Therefore, the wings will not show her emotions unless they are connected to her, like fairy or angel wings.
6. "As the Blackhawk turned and started returning to the bench, she halted him, seizing his arm and yanking him to face her." Okay, so you know how a pier is like a catwalk? I thought that Eve was at the end of the cat walk in the air while Toews was watching her not from the pier, but next to the pier on the boardwalk... Is this true? And if this is, you would have to put in that Eve zooms over to Toews to kiss him.
7. "They remained there for the longest time, lips locked together in passion and romance a few feet from the edge of the pier." So are they kissing in mid air or is Toews still standing on ground?

Sorry about the terrible three paragraphs at the beginning, but I had to put it out there :P