Flight - Comments, page 8

@A Shruinger
Nevermind, I did the changes. They are up and ready. Feel free to let me know if you find anything else for me. ;)

@A Shruinger
6. She is in the HQs, but in a different part, yes. Yes, I can change that for you. :)
I'll get to these changes tomorrow I think... ;)

@EvelynaKitty
1-4: Awesome :)))
5. Oh, okay, that's fine! I just picture discs as CD discs... You are very welcome :)
6. Wait, so is Kelly in the HQs and just in a different part of it or is she not even in the HQs? I pictured her not in the scene, but in the HQs. Oh, okay, would you be able to put in the conversation for them to grab those two girls, though, because I was just expecting them to get Val and that's all since that's what they only mentioned. Thanks :)

@A Shruinger
1. Okay, I can do that. :)
2. Okay. I can look at that and fix that!
3. Oops...drat! I'll fix that. Nice catch! ;)
4. I'll look at this and try to figure out what I did wrong. :P This might be me being an idiot.
5. Pucks are often called disks, but I can just call them mini-pucks if it will help you out some. And I will certainly take out the description line. Thank you.
6. She did leave. She is at the HQ, but they have to go and get her. And Val, Brooke and Kelly are the friends. :)

Okay, so I read the next chapter you put up last night, and here's the mistakes I got:
1. "He was the only mortal to know that though." Uhhh...what's a mortal? Does that mean either all the superheros can never die since they're calling Toews, who doesn't have superpowers, a mortal or is that something superheros call people with no powers? More explaining needs to be done for this term.
2. "He rolled his eyes and sat down in his chair..." Alright, I though Brad was already sitting down! When did he ever stand up (unless he was standing up the whole time, so then maybe you can put that in.)
3. "She took Jonathan’s arm and led him toward the back part of the room...it was more private here and we could communicate better with one another." Uhhh...what happened to the third person, you went to first person with 'we'?
4. "Also, the heroine had the feeling that Jonathan Toews didn’t want Brad knowing about this." Okay, so Evelyn moved Toews far off from Brad so that he won't hear... "Yes. I did some looking into this Eric Strum guy." What the? Wasn't I just informed that they talked about Strum somewhere where Brad couldn't over hear their conversation?
5. "...some small black disks or mini-pucks (which were also deadly and used like firecrackers that created a fog or smoky cloud)..." Okay, it'll be a good idea to save what the black discs can do when they are brought into action. For now, it should be a mystery of what they can do. And are they black discs or mini-pucks? Are they thin with a hole in the middle (disc) or thick with no hole at all (puck)?
6. "One of the friends was the girl named Kelly MacKinnon.
Brooke Johnson and Val Nichushkin were the other two friends." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought they were just gonna get Val from the conversation I read! When did they ever mention that they would be getting these two girls? And isn't Kelly already with them since she was in the HQs with Brad and Evelyn in the earlier chapter (unless she left to somewhere else, then that's fine.)
So I hope that helps to improve your chapter :D

@EvelynaKitty
You are totally welcome :D

@A Shruinger
Okay! So she'll have absolute hearing I guess! Thanks! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
You can put that in when you list her powers in the beginning of the chapter.
The differences is how great the hearing is. Like absolute hearing is better hearing than enhanced hearing. For an example, someone with absolute might be able to hear a scream from miles and miles away while someone with enhanced hearing wouldn't be able to. So if you want her to have REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY good hearing, go with absolute hearing. And then peak human and supernatural hearing is in the middle. You get it?

@A Shruinger
Cool! Thanks! Um, where do you think I should make mention of the said "enhanced reflexes" and "enhanced strength"?
What's the differences between all the types of hearing? Or is it all the same thing and I just pick one!? :P

@EvelynaKitty
Okay, so I reread the chapter and it was MUCH better ;) The only thing is that with her powers, it seems to me like she also has enhanced reflexes and enhanced strength. So, you can put that in as well, if you want to. And if you want the...I forgot the word: right, professional, correct, ack, if you want the fancy names for her powers, they are these: flight, laser vision (yay, you got that one right!!!), and enhanced, peak human, supernatural, or absolute hearing (depends on how great her hear is). You don't have to use these names though, I'm just giving them to you for fun :)

@A Shruinger
Well that is true. Okay. I'll make the changes for you! ;)
I have made the changes and added in the dates. Feel free to read it all now again and make sure that it sounds right!! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
1. Alright, sweet! ;) Yea, she can just go by her name since maybe she couldn't think of a superhero name for her. Well, she can already have her powers, but Toews can name her Black Hawk. It's just that Toews can't grant her powers since he doesn't have powers himself. Does that make sense? I mean, I thought she already had her powers when she was saving Toews since she decided to save him, which meant that she should've already had her powers. Yea.
3. Alright, that'll be nice ;)

@A Shruinger
1. I will certainly add in times, it is much easier for me to write and keep track then. So I will be adding that in shortly. Oh okay...I wasn't sure about that but it makes sense like that. :) And I don't know what else...I guess she can just go by Evelyn and then when she saves Jonny...does that make sense that she saves Jonny and then is kind of made Black Hawk? Will that work?
2. :D
3. Yeah. She fangirls. But I'll look back at it. ;)
Thanks!! :D

@EvelynaKitty
1. Oh, okay...maybe you can put that in that this chapter was how she became Black Hawk..., like after the first sentence. Yea, it'll be a good idea to put in when the chapter takes place (you usually do that!) I don't like it'll be a good idea for an original name to become a taunting name...it doesn't make sense since that's what she was called by at first. Yea, you should change her original name ;) Errr...the only way a hero can gain powers by the person he/she saved if the person he/she saved has the power to grant him/her powers (Power Bestowal) or say what type of powers his/her hero should have (Mentifery or Belief Vocifery). But if the person who was saved does not have powers, it is very impossible for that to happen. That's like you saving me and then I say that you're my hero and you suddenly have superpowers. Doesn't work that way, sorry.
2. Alright, that'd be great ;)
3. But she knows that he's Toews... Why say it like she had no idea (unless she's fangirling, then I can understand ;)
Hope that helps! :D

@A Shruinger
1. Her job...everything basically. I think that it is fine. This is like her after training and the first real mission or case and then she finds Jonny in trouble and saves him and that's like her beginning. Finding and saving Jonny makes her become Black Hawk. I'm going to get a date with this chapter, but I am still thinking about it. It's before the previous chapter though...I'm thinking maybe 2010-ish and the Jonny predicaments are in 2010-2013 (Canuck can be 2010, Red Wing is 2011 and The Street Hockey one is 2012) Originally I did have the name Hawkette being like a "Kanerboo" type of thing, but since then I think I like it as both a taunting name and her original "super name". But I may change this again actually. I'm just trying to think of another name she can originally go by. (Can't heroes get their powers because of the people they save? So like when she saves the Blackhawk, Jonny, and proclaims herself as Black Hawk, would that technically give her the powers of the Hawk - vision, hearing...etc...)
2. I will clarify that. It's Chicago, after the game, at night and no one is around. And yeah...no one can witness it.
3. Um....this is a flashback to the first meeting remember. :P

@A Shruinger
I made "said" changes to the chapter (4 - Jonny's Predicaments), so check those out.
For the latest chapter (5 - Black Hawk's past), I'll get to that later on today. Thanks for letting me know about this all though. :) I appreciate the feedback. ;)

Okay, so here is what I caught in the new chapter:
1. "It started on my very first case under the ownership of Brad Hawley." Okay, so WHAT started out: her job as a superhero, her first time trying on her suit (she was wearing her suit in this chapter, right?)...? I was also confused at what period time this took place since later on in the chapter she said that her name is Hawkette and I never knew that that was her original name and I just thought it was like a taunting name her villains called her.
2. "...by ambushing him in the parking lot." That is great that you put in that it takes place in a parking lot, buuuuut which one: one in Chicago or St. Louis? And when does it take place: before the game, after the game, before practice, after practice...a time where no one's around to witness it except for Black Hawk?
3. "You’re Jonathan Toews aren’t you!?" Wait, didn't ALREADY know that he was Toews?
And I believe that's it! Great job on the action--that's something you're good at :)

@EvelynaKitty
1, 3-5: Awesome! Trust me, it'll make it less confusing! ;D
Okay, I'll do that! ;) That's fine! Okay, okay, good...just making sure! :) You are totally welcome! I love helping you out! :DDD

@A Shruinger
1. Okay. :)
3. Yes I can! ;)
4. Okay, I can do that!
5. That's true. I'll do that as well.
6. Um, I see what you mean...uh, maybe when I put up more stuff here, you can tell me then. I'm going to update now I guess, since I have time, but I should be leaving any second.... :P I'll fix the changes later tonight though. And again, you aren't being harsh, this is good, constructive criticism that I love. :) Thank you so much for it!

@EvelynaKitty
1. Yea, can you put in that they were just playing since it seems like they JUST got there and Brad's already ranting about hooking or something, which got me kinda confused.
2. Alright, cool!
3. Oh, okay, I get it now. Can you make that a bit more clear in the chapter since I pictured it another way.
4. It'll be great if you put in vague description in like just, 'a black car,' should be fine.
5. I think you should also put in that it was a random driver since chances are that the reader might think it's a villain doing it on purpose.
6. Yea...I found all these three circumstances pretty repetitive (Jonthan is having a good time, someone decides to put in a near-death situation, Black Hawk comes out of nowhere and saves him, end of story) ...but I'm still trying to figure out how these scenarios...ugh, how do you say it, how they tie into the story. Unless that question's gonna be answered later on in the story, then that's fine, you don't have to tell me ;) I'm sorry if this is harsh, I'm just being honest :PPP