Flight - Comments, page 9

@A Shruinger
1. Yes, they are in break. That is what is supposed to be happening. I can fix this for you...if it needs to be? :D
2. I can.
3. Brad gets it, but he's on the other side, on the sidewalk. Jonny's in the street. Brad and Jonny both went to go get it, but Brad got it and Jonny paused in the middle.
4. I don't need to do anything with this?
5. Should this be put in or is it okay as is?
6. Um...yeah. The difference with this one is that he didn't exactly know about the car coming toward him, since it was accidental. It's like an Earthquake happening in a movie. It's not so much "planned" as it is spir of the moment and unfortunate circumstance. Try to think of it like that. I think then, it might not be "so" cheesy...but yeah...this is why I don't do a lot of action movies with superhero stuff. I feel as though it is all pretty much the same and kind of cheesy. But I can see how it is entertaining and funny. :)

@EvelynaKitty
1. Oh, because Brad called someone for hooking...did they already played and decided to take or break or what? I don't understand why Brad said what he said in the beginning of the scene.
2. Neat! Can you put that in the chapter then?
3. Huh? Wouldn't Brad get run over too in that case? Or wouldn't the rest get run over? That makes no sense since Brad is the first one to get the puck, so he's out in the street and Toews is right behind him unless Brad crossed the street to the other side and Toews ends up in the middle of the road... I don't get it, I thought that someone just hit the ball over to the middle of the road and Toews decided to go after it.
4. Okay, that's fine.
5. A random citizen. Okay.
6. Wait, but did Jonathan scream when the car was coming towards him? I hate to say this, but yea, pretty cheesy :P The guy has to save himself sometime and not rely on her!
Oh, and if you want the correct power names for any character in this story--ask me! :)
Yea, all the things I pointed out above is what's the problem--the rest is fine ;)

@A Shruinger
Smart. Always keep a backup, just in case. ;)
1. Um...no they weren't playing I don't think. They were "breaking" in action I believe. Is this unclear in the wording?
2. You are correct! :)
3. He was going to get the puck, but Brad got it, so he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time or "set up".
4. I was going for just a "use your imagination" and it can be whatever van or car you think of. But if it has to be a certain car, I was envisioning a speeding black race car - like the shiny black cars in action movies - one of those. But it can be a van if you wish it to be. It isn't a necessary detail to the plot though.
5. Um...it was an unhappy accident. There was no certain villain with this. It was just a random driver.
6. That is going to be explained I think...when I get the next chapter up sometime tomorrow (probably late, after I arrive in SC.) She is supposed to have a "Jonathan's in trouble radar" thing. It's in her "Hawk Vision" - it's similar to Superman I think, where he has the x-ray vision to see through things to a certain scene. Sort of like that. Whenever Jonathan screams for help, she can hear it through her "Hawk Hearing"...wow this is incredibly cheesy.
She will fail...I think Patrick's kidnapping counts as a failure too. But she fails soon with Jonny. Don't worry, I'm getting there. :P
Let me know if some these should be explained in the chapter in greater detail for you. Thanks! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
It's okay, at least I wrote 'em down on my sticky notes, so I didn't really lose 'em! ;)
Okay, so here's what I got:
1. Were they already playing in the beginnning of the scene because I pictured them just standing around and talking by the word you put in: 'gathered.'
2. Where were they playing at? I pictured them playing in one of the arena's parking lot.
3. Why did Jonathan decide to go to the middle of the road in the first place?
4. How do you picture the car that was about to run him over? I pictured a white van with tinted windows.
5. Was the driver of the car someone insignificant or someone important? I thought it was a villain doing it on purpose. And did the driver intend to run him over or not?
*Is Black Hawk stalking Jonathan like 24/7 because it seems like she's saving him every single time he's in trouble with no problem at all. I mean, I know she's a hero, but she's gotta fail some time! All heroes fail their mission at one point. Is she gonna fail soon, though? And does she have other stuff to do other than to make sure Jonathan's not getting into trouble?

Yup, and that's all! :)

@A Shruinger
Aw...oh no. Well, I'm sure it is somewhere or so! Thanks! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
You're welcome! ;)
Wait, I typed out the critquing for the third part...where is it? Don't tell me I have to type it up again! X(

@A Shruinger
Okay...oh, yeah I was just thinking she wasn't in the air yet. I'll make that point clearer for you. I'll put how she landed on the ice too with him. :D Thanks for clarifying that!

@EvelynaKitty
Okay, so for #5, I was saying that I picture her in the air...
"She tightened her hold on Jonathan and dropped him off on the ice. He instantly zoomed for the bench, where the others were."
...but then you put in this:
"She sped forward and lifted off into the air."
Was she in the air already when she placed Toews back on the ice or did she land?

Anyways, you fixed everything and it all made sense now except for #4, which that repeat of Kris going to bring out the guys is there still...
You are welcome! :))))

Okay. Thank you. :)
I fixed 1, 2, 3, and 4 and 6. See if how I changed it works for you. ;)
For number 5, I am unsure what you are hinting at with that? Can you give me the line or paragraph where the problem is?
Thanks for the help again of course!! :D

@EvelynaKitty
Okay, so I got some critiquing on the second flashback:
1. Where did Toews get stuck on the ice (centre ice, behind the net, close to the bench, etc.) This will affect about how much time the zamboni has to run 'im over. I say that the time you put in the story should've made Toews dead because I picture him on the centre ice and the zamboni can go up to 9.7 mph (I researched it), so if you put that it wasn't on normal speed, then I'm picturing like a 20 mph zamboni.
2. Aaaaaand where did the zamboni end up? Did it crash into the boards or what? Must've created a mess :P
3. You put in after Black Hawk saved Toews and they both are on the Jumbo Tron that she 'seized him' in order to put him on the ice. Wasn't she holding on to him already?
4. You already put in when Toews just got stuck on the ice that Kris went out to bring in the rest of the team. And then you repeat that again when he actually brought out the team.
5. When Black Hawk was about to fight, you put in that she lifted herself into the air. I picture her in the air before she did that. Was she in the air before or on the ice?
6. I was confused when Black Hawk killed Red Wing. Did she use her hand or wing because you practically said that she made a fist and punched him with her wing.

So yea, that's what I got... I am so critizing today (it must've been all of those Honest Trailers I watched XD) Well anyways, I shall go do the third flashback now!
Oh, and your corrects made it made MUCH more sense! Great job fixing them! ;)

That is how it is. I have Black Hawk (meant to be two words, like the old way of the team's name, its for less confusion that way :P) but I have her arriving right after he is stuck. She comes through the roof and scoops him up to safety. And the Zamboni speed should be not like race-car fast, but I'm thinking like however fast it can go. I don't know. How fast CAN a Zamboni go? Have you seen or tried it out?
Haha. Sorry.
Thanks! ;)

@EvelynaKitty
Okay, you can do that, but what's gonna happen to the zamboni, since it's going really fast? I mean, it's heading STRAIGHT towards Jonathan and then he gets stuck on the ice, so...? I mean, I don't want him to get run over, I'm just saying that the most logical thing that's gonna happen is...that. Unless Blackhawk saves him like RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT after he gets caught.
Yea, that'll be nice if you put 'Jonathan' instead of 'target.'
I'll look more into the problems with the action to see if there's more. ;)

@A Shruinger
I made the changes to it. I think the "target" part you were talking about, is supposed to be Jonathan. I put his name in parenthesis, if that works for you. :)

@A Shruinger
Okay. Um, just let me know what the problem is and I will gladly fix it for you! I don't know what exactly is wrong with the action.
The Zamboni does not, because....OH, I see what you're getting at...yeah....um okay. I got a new idea. He's gonna get his skate caught in a crack in the ice (if that can actually happen). I forgot to mention that the ice would have to be melted, unless Black Hawk pulls Jonny out of his skates...The Zamboni does NOT run him over though. He is rescued, but I see how you are a little confused there I think. I'll change it! :D Thanks! ;)
I'll look back at the "target" thing...
Were these the only two action problem moments??

@EvelynaKitty
Oh okay, good :) That helps that my question will be answered in the story! But in the second flashback, the action there does not make any sense... So the zamboni was going fast...but then Toews got stuck on the ice...shouldn't the zamboni run him over? And somewhere in that action where it mentions about the zamboni with its target... What the heck is the target??? I'm sorry, but that paragraph that mentioned the zamboni with the target made NO sense at all... :P Sorry 8(

@A Shruinger
You have logical points. I like that you bring them up. And the answer to that question is coming up. I haven't answered it yet purposefully. In the next chapter I believe that is answered as to why they act like they don't know what's going on. (If that helps you out any.) I'm going to put a date or something for the flashbacks though, okay? That should help out, right? :)

@EvelynaKitty
Ohhh...I don't remember reading about that, but how can these be flashbacks when in the other chapter Jonathan and Patrick encountered that villain (I forgot his name) they seemed like it was the first time they saw something like that... I'm so confused, I don't get the point for these flashbacks at all :PPP

@A Shruinger
This is a flashback. I think I made mention of that in the beginning! The trio of Jonny tales are flashbacks! :P

Wait, I am SOOOO lost! I thought Patrick was kidnapped and the action is so confusing! AAAAHHHHHH HELP ME!!! 8O

I will! :D
That sounds exactly like me and my dad. We only like The Flash too!! :P
Ah, they are broadcasting Hawks-Bolts here!! The UC looks so majestic and powerful!!!! :P
That's a strong possibility, but I don't know. We'll see how it goes. :D I don't know, I just really wanted to have it all seem to "fit" together. :)