Battle For the Ice: The Great NHL War - Comments, page 2

@A Shruinger
1. Yeah, it's flips and spins and twists/twirls...all of that. :) A lot of Hollywood type spy characters do it and they say "gymnastics moves".
3. He accidentally grabs his hand at first and gets the button and that deactivates his powers and all, then he does it purposefully at the end and that's when he knows. ;)
I made all of the changes, so thanks and yeah. XD

@EvelynaKitty
1. Okay, so when I read 'cool gymnastics moves,' I picture him doing a bunch of flips and twists in the air like what those floor gymnasts do in the Olympics. Is THAT what you picture? That phrase can go sooo many different ways. But it's a vague phrase to me and should be more elaborated on because that's what authors have to do for action scenes to make the readers know exactly what's going on without a thought of a confusion. So describe. Same thing goes with the 'dancing around' thing you put in to 'describe' Roberto's and Jamie's fighting. I'm sorry if I'm too harsh though, I just don't like this occuring in action description :P
2. Cool! :D
3. Okay...I didn't read that part but maybe that's because I scanned though that part of the chapter. But how did Jamie knew that that watch controlled his powers?
4. Awesome! :D
You're welcome! :DDD

@A Shruinger
Thanks!! XD
1. Uh....the cool gymnastic moves is enough description though. My editor told me that is okay. And the reader is smart enough to know somethings, so the gymnastics moves this is okay. As for the "dancing around" thing...I'm lost on what you exactly want me to do with that.
2. Okay, sorry about that. I'll fix that part up right away!
3. Roberto's watch activates his powers, which I do believe I put in the description and throughly showed as if rendered him to mortality (plus super strength)
4. Uh.....oops. That is my bad in terms of not getting rid of that. ;) I'll do that right now!
Thanks for the critique. XD

@EvelynaKitty
Did that! ;)
Really? Eh, it does kinda look like him now, but that's not the most 'Roberto-est' picture out there :P
Okay, so I read the chapter and here are my tips:
1. Describe the action. Show their moves more vividly. Don't put in 'cool gymnastic moves' or 'danced around' without putting HOW they did that. Don't be vague and lazy when it comes to action description--it takes LOTS of time to write good fights, since LOTS of description about the characters' actions needs to be clarified. So yes, please describe more about their moves. What I do is picture the fight like a movie, then put what I see into words, take a break, then reread over what I wrote and fix it up! :)
2. This part was bothering me, but when you put in that Jamie fell onto the benches, I pictured him falling onto the ground. But then after that sentence, you put in that he placed a cloud underneath himself so that he can have a safe landing, so practically in my head, I had to make him reverse back up into the air, place a cloud underneath him, then let him drop back down. So maybe to avoid something like this, say something like 'While he was falling,' or 'Before he crashed onto the ground,' or something like that, 'he created a cloud underneath him, making his landing softer.' You get what I'm trying to say?
3. What did Roberto's watch do? I didn't fully comprehend that :P
4. One more thing: never put somehow, like 'Robero somehow getting a wooden stick...' It makes you seem very uncertain and hesitant in your writing, like you are not sure how Roberto got that wooden stick. It's not a good impress on readers at all. Be confident and avoid using that word or other words similar to that during narrating! :)
Other than that, all good! :D

@A Shruinger
Also, can you send me that image through email, so I can add it....he's looks super evil in it!!!! XP

@A Shruinger
That is Luongo!! You're looking at Jamie!! XP I googled him, it is Luongo though I swear!! It's probably the green lightning covering it and it makes him look darker or something. XD
And that's fine, thanks. XP
Here's the unaltered image:

For the picture on the top of the chapter, that is not Roberto! It doesn't look like him! Sorry, I had to tell you, it was bothering me :PPP He's like this:

There we goes!
I'm gonna read the story later, I just wanted to tell you that! :) And I will tell you if the fight's good or needs imoprovement! ;)))

Here's an alternate battle image for Tavy vs Scott:

This is how I envision Sean Avery to look when he lights himself on fire:

Stupid

@EvelynaKitty
Awwww...well, kinda like Sid, right? Some stories Sid is nice and the others Sid is just plan mean! But it's okay if John doesn't have a set personality--it takes some time to do so ;)
Healers aren't gonna be around and someone gets hurt, right?
Ohhhh...okay, then, well, I'm picturing it as a dark locker room, how I pictured it like all this time. But not even a little despcription, like 'a dark, big room' or something like that? Describe it without so much detail?
Yay! :D Hahahaa! Well, if you have trouble assigning powers to players, ask me! ;) You're welcome! :))

@A Shruinger
Yup. This is one John that I have. Wait for the other two. :P John is like the one character I can't decide on how he should be. I guess I like him and how he is here the most though.
Just wait for it... :P
It's supposed to be vague. I purposefully did that. :P
Okay, I'll do John vs John. :) And thanks for your opinion there, I think I do like that idea the best and it will be the most awesome probably and easiest. I'm still figuring things out. Val is going to have powers though I think. "Baby Russian" Power XP No, no...I kid. Gosh, I keep forgetting it's Finn and not Fin. I can never remember. I'll change that though! Thanks! ;)

JOOOOOOHN! John saved the day! :DDDDD He saved the day with his awesome, humongous gun! YEEEEAAAA! :DDD OMG, that's just too awesome--awesome, awesome, awesome!
Well I know one thing for sure--no one's gonna get hurt in the good guys' team with two healers in their team! XDD
Alright, but I noticed that there was no descrption of where this was taking place at, so I was picturing it in the locker rooms with random tables! XD
Okay, so for John's battle, do John Scott--battle of the Johns! XDDD And I agree that the next chapters should be battles of each character. Wait, does Val have power or no?
Nemo's in it! :DDD And it's Finn, not Fin, unless you meant that he was a Sharks, then yea, I'd consider that fine :)

So, I'm going to be continually updating the powers and abilities, because I'm still working this out. Also feel free to request any powers for certain players, I'm being totally open-ended with this story. :)