Flight - Comments

@EvelynaKitty
1-3. Awesome! :D
4. Okay, cool! :)
5. Okay, I'll message you the limitations for Black Hole Creation ;)

@A Shruinger
1. :D
2. Okay, I'll look at that. ;)
3. XD
4. Okay. True, you are right. I'll put twinkling in then instead of flickering. :)
5. Understandable and yeah, I'll message you further with it when you reply next. And you can also list the limitations in the message too for me. The ones you find out from the page that is. :)

@EvelynaKitty
1. You're welcome! ;)
2. Um, the one like when Z says something like, "Stay out of trouble, Val," in Russian and all the Russian below that ;)
3. Hahaha! I also have a Russian keyboard ;) Cool! :)
4. Oh...that's more like 'twinkling,' not 'flickering.' Flickering is more like, suddenly, slashy, movements, making things disappear and reappear quickly, like a flame or a glitch. Twinkling is like sparkling, the brightness softly growing bright then dimming down. I think you mean 'twinkling' since stars twinkle, not flicker.
5. Yea, great power does come with great exhaustion when used! XD But it's not fun when two superhumans have the same limitations. :P Instead, maybe like let her struggle making the black hole, like let her have a hard time creating it and controlling it (with this, you'll have to redo the last chapter :P ) Or maybe there's this one limitation I read where when a user uses her power, then she can't use like her power for like a certain amount of time; applied to this: if Z uses her Black Hole Creation, then she can't use her powers for like, let's say, a week. I dunno. Those are some limitations there. But I can also go back to the profile of the Black Hole Creation to see the limitations on there. And she's gotta watch out with that hold too because she just might suck in some people/objects that aren't suppose to go in there X) But yea, you can email or message me about this if you'd like to :) I can't tell you, I'll spoil it for ya! ;) And that's right, I gotta get on typing up the update! I shall do that like right now ;)
You're totally welcome! :)

@A Shruinger
1. Hmmmm....okay, I remember double checking it and putting the right one in. But maybe not...I don't know, if it's wrong I'll change it. Thanks.
2. Weird...I normally do. What are the phrases that need translations??
3. I'll fix that via my handy-dandy Russian keyboard. :)
4. Yeah, like a star flickers in the night sky, that's one I am picturing, which should just be flickered. :)
5. Okay, yeah, what do you suggest with the limits for her then. And I don't want to go into too much detail here with it...it can happen in the sequel but that is a helpful thing to know. I mean Jonny can get so mad he exhausts himself and almost kills himself, so Zvezda should have something like that, that is true. But I'm not sure what limits to the Black Hole or her Power of the Stars can be. (We chat about this through email or the message system though.) It's not Tavy or Jonny though, right? It's NEMO!!!! Or Kari!!
Thanks! XD

Okay, I read and this is what I got:
1. For the subtitle for this chapter, I translated and the first part was translated to 'Star of my charcter...,' so I decided to help ya out and for 'Star is my hero,' I got 'Звезда мой герой.' ;)
2. Can you put in translations, please? 8)
3. 'ладно' needs to be capitalized: 'Ладно.'
4. 'Flickered away.' Can you describe this more beacuse I picture her just glitching into nothingless, unless that's what you're aiming for :P
5. Alright, so I think Z's unstoppable because she can make black holes easily. And no one would be able to stand up to her with that great of power (unless they have something that has to do with taking away powers or nullifying powers or having omnipotence, then it's fine). Maybe with her creating such a powerful thing, she should have like a cost to it or a struggle making it so that it can be difficult and the villains can have somewhat of an edge. Maybe put a limitation. Because if a character has very powerful powers, then it'll be easy for them and the plot wouldn't be that strong, including the climax and it's expected for that character to win easily due to the strong powers. So I highly recommand putting limitations on her-- Don't worry, I have a character coming up in Mission very soon that is going to have GREAT power, but he's gonna have many limitations so that he can be somewhat vulnerable and make things less easy for him ;) Either place limitations or have a villain that is very powerful (but not too powerful, of course)! Just a tip for creating a better superhero story ;)
Other than that, all good! :)

@EvelynaKitty
2. Okay, yea, think about it because there should be a good reason why mortals shouldn't know about superheroes! ;) Maybe if mortals know about heroes, then they'll want a hero for themselves and that would be impossible to do or something along those lines? Would that work?
;)

@A Shruinger
2. Okay....well...I might think a little bit, unless you have any ideas. But I was just thinking in general about any idea honestly, but if there's a key one then I'll certainly use that one, so it makes sense...
And that's fine...I can wait..."patiently" :P

@EvelynaKitty
1. :)
2. Well, I would say it like the X-men way: If people find out about people with supernatural abilities, then they would want to stamp them out due to their surperior abilities. I don't know about you though, but that's my reason why superheroes hide their identity...and that's like what my future stories are gonna be about. But maybe describe why it's bad for mortals to know heroes like Black Hawk and Captain Blackhawk in your own way that fits in the context of your story--there HAS to be a reason.
3. :D
4-5. Alright, cool! :)
Ohhhh...wow...that's A LOT of reading! I'll do that like maybe during President's week where I have no school, if you can wait that long. :P

@A Shruinger
1. Oops. I will change that. ;)
2. How would you say the reason is? Like what would you describe it as? I just know it is dangerous...but is it because if they know, it endangers the hero from villains? Isn't that it? I can definitely extend the description for readers though.
3. Okay :) Thanks.
4 - 5. Uh...my bad I will clarify this.
And I'm saying that you can go back over the whole story if you want now. Like starting from the beginning and all to see if I clarified and answered everything. :)

Okay, here are my critiquing points!
1. "But, I’m not sure I understand...how do you take their memories without hurting them.” That's a question.
2. Why is it so bad for mortals to know about the superheroes. Like, why is it so dangerous? I know the answer to it, but maybe the readers might not know.
3. Not a critique or anything, but the power Brad used was 'Memory Erasure': the power to erase memories
4. "Good bye Hawkley and it's nice to know the forgetfulness of people now." Who says this?
5. "Hopefully hell." Who says this?
Other than that, all good! :))
Wait, what did you want me to go over? I'm confused :P

@EvelynaKitty
Awesome! :D

@A Shruinger
Okay, I'm fixing them now! :)

@EvelynaKitty
1-2. Awesome! :D
3. Alright, that'll be great if you put more detail into that! ;)
Cool, take your time on them! You can tell me when you're done with the changes to that I can make sure there're good ;)

@A Shruinger
1. Okay. I can do that! ;)
2. Okay. I'll look at that. :)
3. Nevermind, I messed that up. Haha. Yeah, Anna was protecting Elsa at the end, but the ice reached her heart and then she froze...nevermind about what I said...but I think it can work if Jonny is hovered over Kaner in a protecting way. So I'll describe that better for you. :)

I'm going to make these changes probably tomorrow morning or later tomorrow...we'll see... ;)

@EvelynaKitty
1. Yea, let her slow down a bit, think about it, take it slow...
2. Maybe just reword the sentence into something like "Vanek had more experience with his powers than Toews, so that was like a disadvantage for Toews" or something along those lines.
3. Anna froze because there was ice in her heart that was growing thanks to Elsa who struck her when she was ALONE with her. That has nothing to do with this problem. OOO! You're saying that Kaner's blocking Tazer from getting frozen, yet fails to? Okay, because you're saying that Tazer physcially holds onto Kaner, not goes in front of him! Can you describe that more accurately then, because I pictured them next to each other, not Toews front of Kane.
4-6. Yay! :D

It's right now Sharks versus Canucks and Sharks are winning 3-0! :D Sharks are playing those disgusting Kings in the Levi Stadium! XP ;) GO SHARKS! :D

@A Shruinger
1. Okay, I'll take out her showing Val any kind of hints at affection or dim it down a lot.
2. Oh. Okay. So this is okay then? Sweet.
3. No, cause Vanek shoots it at people and it freezes them specifically. Like how Anna was frozen in Frozen (sorry...redundant comment)...does that make sense. He's blocking Kaner, so naturally he gets frozen, not Kaner.
4. Okay. I'll look at that.
6. I can. :)
7. I can do that too!

Yay!! Sharks vs Kings...GO SHARKS!!!! :D

@EvelynaKitty
Okay, that'll be great! :)))

1. Just let her make the choice of liking Val like at the last chapter of this story; not right there in the same scene.
2. Yea, that'll be nice! I just thought you were trying to say that Vanek had more skill with his powers than Jonathan.
3. No, Toews was holding on to Kane when Vanek froze Toews. Shouldn't have Kane been frozen as well if he was holding onto Toews? Anyways, the ice grows where it wants to, so if Toews is frozen, Kane would at least be half frozen or something like that for Toews to be comepletely, fully frozen.
4. Okay, that'll be cool if you check it out! :) But it might be me, and I'm fine with that!
5. :)
6. Okay, can you put that in the chapter then? I'll clear up Toews unexplained love for Kane! ;)
7. Ohhh...can you put that in as well? 8) Thanks! :D

You're totally welcome! :DD

@A Shruinger
Okay, first of all, I don't remember putting Jonny being protective of Eve. Unless you are talking about the flashback? Which is fine, because it's a flashback, going back to the past, so of course they'd care. And he is, but they are friends, but the ONLY time that Jonny is protective is maybe in a caring...OH!!! I know what you are talking about now...okay, yeah it's all the same scene, as the previous chapter, but Jonny talked to her after he fought Val right? Hang on, I'll look at it, I think I understand what you mean.

1. Hm...I know...I'm not sure how to slow it down anymore than that though...I tried to think of another way, and I was hoping to ask you actually. I totally forgot to mention it in the messages...but yeah...any ideas??
2. Well, cause he gets exhausted real fast and can't control himself in situations - that's what I mean. I can add that description on maybe? Would that work?
3. Uh, Vanek wasn't holding him...you're talking about before Vanek grabs Kaner and then Jonny melts the ice, right? And if so, can't Vanek just freeze Jonny, does it have to be them both? Vanek can have good aim (which is better than he has in real life on the ice! Zing!)
4. Uh...maybe your sense of direction, I'll look at the wording there. It might be on me. :)
5. Uh...I'm not sure. I'll look at it...
6. Okay, this is because of his powers and Kaleta. What Kaleta did backfired and Jonny gained powers and also gained feelings for Patrick. He's in transition or "bi" phase as that works into him though. It's to ease the reader, at least that's how I thought of it as. He's straight and then bi and then gay from Kaner. :)
7. Uh, no. Brawler and Evelyn are battling in the audience on the flat level, where the tunnel spot is. And then he is finally thrown over the edge and into the pit. Meanwhile, Vanek and Jonathan are on the OPPOSITE end of the rink. :)

Thanks! :D

@EvelynaKitty
I don't understand why Jonathan is so protective over Eve when Val was going after her even though HE HIMSELF SAID that THEY (Eve and him) were OVER WITH because they have powers! I don't get that! Isn't he over Eve now?

Okay, now for this chapter:
1. It seems like Eve falls in love with Val waaaay too quickly--it was like right after Jonathan broke up with her when she falls for him :P
2. "...who was still learning his powers and what all he could do." It seemed like from the last chapter Jonathan was fighting in, he was doing good for his powers. Maybe you can change this to like he didn't have as much skill with his powers as Vanek.
3. Why wasn't Patrick frozen in an ice cube along with Toews if you put in that he was holding on to him tightly right before Vanek shot out his powers at Toews?
4. You put in that Vanek looks up to look at Jonathan, who was in the pit. Isn't he suppose to look down, unless my sense of direction got totally thrown off in this story, which usually happens :P
5. What do you mean by 'flickered'? You put that in after Toews was saving Patrick from like the flipping over of the ice chuck.
6. TOEWS IS GAY??‽!! What the heck, wasn't he just with a girl? Yea, I know he broke up with her, but he just falls in love with a guy? So he's bi, in that case.
7. Wouldn't the fight the Bawler is in would've interfered with the fight Vanek was in since the fight with Vanek practically took up the whole rink?

Other than that, all good! :)

@A Shruinger
I normally do. It must've been a mistake. Jamie just got hurt in the game...awwww.....poor Benny. :( Bad Lightning, don't hurt Jamie!!
With chapter 19, I'm so very confused about what you are talking about. Sorry. What's exactly wrong with it??? (Just for #1)